Table of Contents
To my husband,
who has always followed his inner voice
and by doing so
has helped me find the courage
to follow mine.
Authors Note
WHILE THIS IS A WORK of nonfiction, most of the names and certain identifying characteristics of the people who appeared along my journey have been changedwith the exception of my family members (because I found it difficult to camouflage them, and after all, my mother is my mother) and my best friend, Lena, who (being that its hard to camouflage my best friend too) agreed to be named in this book. Seong Yoon Lee, my husband, appears as Su Nim (which means monk in Korean) in the first half of the book. He reverts back to his birth name after he leaves the monastery. The city of Sendai, Japan, my home for two years and the backdrop of Lesson Five in this book, was hit by a devastating earthquake and tsunami on March 11, 2011. My heart goes out to all of the people affected by this tragedy, especially to my dear friends and students.
Introduction
THIS BOOK IS CALLED Lessons from the Monk I Married, but while reading it, you may notice that it would probably be more accurate to call it Lessons from My Experiences with the Monk I Married.
But Im not going to change the title. First off, the more accurate version doesnt have the right ring to it. Secondly, there is a very clear, if not auspicious, reason why I chose this title for the book, which you will discover in the pages that follow. Lastly, my blog, which now has a fairly large readership, has the same title.
When I started my quest for peace and my lifes purpose, I somehow had the belief that Id find my answers in the pages of self-help books, or in the astrology section of the Sunday paper. True, these did help, and I am very thankful for all the wisdom I acquired from various sources along the way, but I had to make that wisdom my own. If there was one lesson I received from the monk I marriedthe lesson to top all lessonsit was that I have to walk my own path and find my own wisdom through my own experiences.
It took me a very long time to realize this. I initially believed that wisdom came from somewhere else or from someone else. Even when this book first took seed, I still believed that the lessons I learned had come from my husband. It was only through writing the book and retracing my stepswhich was a journey in and of itselfthat I began to see clearly that the lessons I learned came from my own experiences, and that all the people and experiences I encountered along my path merely functioned as mirrors, through which I was able see myself more clearly.
What I also discovered is that it is very easy to surrender ourselves to the laws or rules made up by others without even realizing it. Now, Im not advocating for people to go out and break the laws set up by society. Im just saying: Think for yourself. Make your own decisions about what works or what doesnt work in your life.
This doesnt mean that you cant get inspiration from others. Where would our lives be without inspiration? Inspiration from those around us is often what spurs us into action and finally makes us listen to that quiet yet relentless voice inside thats been trying to get our attention all along.
So yes, I believe we can get inspiration from others and even learn lessons from othersbut if we are brave enough to face ourselves, we will find that the adage You are the one youve been looking for really rings true. At least thats my experience.
I have practiced Vipassana meditation in the tradition of S. N. Goenka, from India, for more than fifteen years. He is constantly reminding the meditators on his courses this:
To witness ultimate truth, you have to remove this curtain of apparent truth.... Direct experience is required.
He also says that this ultimate truth is the truth that you experience. Not the truth of anyone else. Still, there will be those within this organization and other organizations that will miss this point completely and have you believe that their laws are the Laws of the Land. This is the point where spirituality gets lost and dogma or religion takes over.
So, with all these lessons Ive laid out here in this book, I hope you wont take them as the Laws of the Land. These are lessons Ive learned on my journey. This is my story, and Im sharing it because Ive gotten so much inspiration from others along my path. And I hope, by sharing my story, you will be inspired to find your own truth, peace, inspiration, love, and so on. The details of who we are, what we do, and how we live may vary, but the things most of us are looking for on a larger scalepeace, love, a sense of purposeare ultimately the same.
There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but we all get to enjoy the view if we are willing to keep going, despite all the difficulties we may encounter along the way.
And when you reach the top of your own inner mountain (or mountains), on whatever path suits you, Id love to hear your story.
Love doesnt have any east or west,
Love doesnt have male or female,
Love is beyond our imagination or fixed mind
of what we think it is,
Love is the source of all beings,
Love is our origin... I dont know... you know?
Love, love... what is love?
my husband, Seong Yoon Lee
Lesson One:
Let Go of Expectations
As it is, not as you would like it to be.
S. N. GOENKA
LETS GO BOWLING! the monk exclaimed, striking his hands together in a clap that simulated thunder. The startling sound broke our in-the-moment-silence and prompted me to drop my metal chopsticks into my cal guk su bowl. I looked at my friend Becky, whose eyes widened to the size of quarters. I managed to force a smile and blurt out, Okay, that sounds... nice.
More than six months had passed since Becky and I first arrived in Korea to teach English. And while wed certainly had our share of amusing experiences during that time, nothing quite compared to this particular afternoon.
It was March 1996, and the trees along the river outside the noodle-hut window were just starting to form buds. Sitting on an ondul (heated) floor at a low wooden table, we tried to hone the skill of noodle-slurping while we listened to the monk expound on his recent pilgrimage to Buddhist sites throughout Thailand and India.
A week earlier, Su Nim (which literally translates as monk in Korean), had appeared in Beckys free-talking class. She was so intrigued to have this monk show up that she couldnt help but inundate him with questions. Finally, he said, You seem very interested in monk life. Would you like to have lunch? It appeared he was inviting her out on a date.
When she told me about it, she asked, Isnt that taboo? I had no idea, but I knew I wouldnt be missing this adventure. I invited myself along, saying it wouldnt be so taboo if there were three of us.
For days before our meeting, I was giddy with anticipation. I couldnt believe my good fortune: Soon, I would be in the company of a real live monk. My reasons for coming to Korea had always eluded me in the past, but now things were getting clearer.
But to explain why this meeting with a monk felt so propitious, I need to take a step or two back.