Satya Doyle Byock - Quarterlife: The Search for Self in Early Adulthood

Why do I feel lost?

Why is my life such a mess?

Why am I stuck?

Whats wrong with me?

I hear it all. From subtle doubts to unrelenting panic, there is undeniable, epidemic suffering among people in their late teens, twenties, and thirties. Crippling anxiety, depression, anguish, and disorientation are effectively the norm. Suicide rates are unspeakably high, as are overdoses. Compounding the problem, the common diagnoses and solutions being offered to those suffering frequently add to the chaos and stress, as if this stage of life has caught individuals and the healthcare system by surprise. Its not just a question of mental illness. At root, there is not a deep understanding of what is unfolding in this time of life. There isnt even public consensus on what to call these twenty years or so following adolescence.

I call this stage Quarterlife, derived from the term Quarterlife crisis, originally coined by Abby Wilner in 1997, and on the rise when I was entering adulthood in the early 2000s. Quarterlife is a distinct period of human development in need of its own road map and soulful guidance. It neednt be a time relegated to expectations of cascading crises, familial hand-wringing, and personal shame. Nor should it be a time during which problems are primarily attended to with medical solutions.

This book is about the alternative.

I became a psychotherapist focused on working with people in this stage of adulthood because I lived through disorientation during these years myself. When I went looking for insight and answers about why I felt so emotionally overwhelmed, I found very little information or support. The life that Id been raised for through years of school did not seem to align with the life I was expected to be living on my own. Like most people in this age group, I was sent up the ladder of academic development: first grade to second grade, fifth grade to sixth, all the way through high school and college. Then I was released into the world as if Id been trained for a life beyond academia. But I hadnt been. I hadnt been taught how to cook healthy meals or change a tire, let alone how to ask myself who I was or what I wanted out of life. Moreover, I hadnt been offered tools to make sense of living in a world beset by countless overlapping social and environmental catastrophes. As much as my peers and I had been led to believe that life is a tidy, incremental staircase toward certain goalscareer advancement, marriage, home ownershipat some point we each discover that it is not. The linear impression of adulthood is based on antiquated, heteronormative gender roles and racial and economic hierarchies that suggest that a fulfilling life can be achieved through the checking of boxes. It cant be.

Quarterlife is not a sterile journey. It demands the gathering of experiencesmessy, embodied, uncharted experiences. Full psychological development cannot be accomplished without complex relationships, failures, risks, longings, and adventure. Indeed, despite Western cultures desire to mitigate mess and chaos, psychological development in Quarterlife doesnt follow a simple plan. Experience is the basis of finding ones own life, a life that, by nature of it being entirely unique, does not have its own map or clearly defined path. As the mythologist Joseph Campbell said when reflecting on the journey of life: If there is a path, it is someone elses.

But there are common patterns that can serve as guideposts along the way.

The chapters that follow will offer some insight into the timeless journey of Quarterlife, first through exploring some historical depictions of this time of life in literature and memoir, and then through the stories of four clients from my psychotherapy practice: Mira, Conner, Grace, and Danny. These stories, beginning in Part II, will model how four very different Quarterlifers learn about themselves and start to find their way.

Understanding this time of life begins with identifying the two types of Quarterlifers, their goals, and what I call the four pillars of growth. Ill present Meaning Types and their search for stability through the stories of Grace and Danny, and Stability Types and their search for meaning through the journeys of Mira and Conner. Whether youre a Quarterlifer primarily in search of meaning, or one primarily in search of stability, the ultimate goal is to have bothan experience of wholeness and ease within ones own life.

The four pillars of growth are like wayposts of development: Separate, Listen, Build, and Integrate. These are not linear stages or tasks to be accomplished, but areas of important psychological work in Quarterlife that can lead to significant shifts in well-being and satisfaction. This work requires both receptivity and dedication. It is not easily accomplished, and there are countless structural, systemic obstacles that add to the difficulty and disorientation. And yet, remarkable transformation, even from egregious traumas and suffering, can happen, and knowing some of the patterns of development can help.