Edward M. Hallowell - Dare to Forgive

DARE
TO
FORGIVE

DARE
TO
FORGIVE

The Power of Letting Go & Moving On

Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

We gratefully acknowledge permission to reprint the following cited material: Robert Frost, Forgive, O Lord and Dust of Snow from The Poetry of Robert Frost, edited by Edward Connery Lathem. Copyright 1923, 1969 by Henry Holt and Company, copyright 1951, 1962 by Robert Frost. Reprinted with the permission of Henry Holt and Company, LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hallowell, Edward M.

Dare to forgive / Edward M. Hallowell.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
eISBN-13: 978-0-7573-9951-0
eISBN-10: 0-7573-9951-7
1. Forgiveness. I. Title.

BF637.F67H35 2004
155.9'2dc22

2003068582

A Human Moments Book
2004 Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, Florida 33442-8190

Cover design by Lawna Patterson Oldfield
Inside book design by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

For
Peter Metz

Contents

O n the cover of this book, a little bluebird sits on a wire, and the same bird appears in other places in the book. I wanted to explain why the bluebird is here.

My mother taught me more about forgiveness than anyone else. She had a very hard life, full of disappointments and pain. However, she never, ever lost her optimism, hope and positive spirit. She never held a grudge. Although she could get angry, she always forgave. One of the maxims she lived by was, Never go to bed angry.

One of her favorite symbols of happiness was the bluebird. For that reason, I asked the publishers of this book if they could possibly find a bluebird to put on the cover. I love the image they found. Like my mother, and like forgiveness itself, this bird stands alone, vulnerable but brave.

I love the acknowledgments section of books. As a writer, I know how heartfelt the words in these sections usually are. I fear that many readers skip over this section, because, after all, the acknowledgments section is not the reason they bought the book. However, while writers write alone, every book is a group effort. For me, my twelfth-grade English teacher is coauthor of everything I write. For others, it might be an editor, a spouse, a buddy or even a dog. My point is that you can learn a lot about the writer and the book by reading the acknowledgments.

This book appeared out of nowhere. I was standing at the door of an auditorium in which I was about to give a lecture on happiness when a person standing next to me asked what I planned to write my next book about. I am thinking about writing a book about forgiveness, I said. I had never thought such a thing. I have no idea where that remark came from. However, it wasnt a lie, because the moment I spoke the words, I knew thats what I wanted to do. Therefore, the first person I must thank is that anonymous woman who asked me what I was planning to do next.

Once I started in on forgiveness, just about everybody I spoke to helped me. Some helped me with their stories, like the two cab drivers whose stories you will find in this book, the woman whose son was killed on September 11 and my friend in Seattle who threw a stone at a window for reasons youll discover early in the book.

Will McDonough, the great Boston sportswriter who died in the winter of 2003, helped me by showing how hidden a forgiving attitude can be. Will had a reputation for being a tough guy, a guy who got even, a guy who didnt forgive. I came to know him only a few months before he died. I wanted to write a book about him but was brought up short when he said, The trouble with this book is I dont want to hurt anybody, and to make the book interesting Id have to tell the truth and a lot of people would get hurt. So we nixed the idea of the book and planned a book about the New England Patriots instead. Will died before we could get that off the ground. However, I will always treasure the gift of the all-too-brief friendship we had. Will McDonough was one of the most interesting, most intelligent, most engaging, most honest men I have ever met. We all miss you, Willy.

Charles Bennison, Episcopal bishop in Philadelphia; Tom Shaw, Episcopal bishop in Boston; and Bob Tobin, rector of Christ Church in Cambridge all helped me with their extensive knowledge and capacious hearts. Charles pointed me to Hannah Arendt, whose thinking is central to the main thesis of this book. Tom helped me by shaping some of my ideas when they were still on the pottery wheel. Bob inspired me with weekly sermons that always stressed the importance of finding a nonviolent way to peace.

However, this book is not primarily a political book. It is a personal book aimed at peoples personal lives. I would like to write down the name of every friend I have who has ever forgiven me; it would be a very long list! I thank them all for helping me to learn about forgiveness personally.

Of course, I thank my agent, Jill Kneerim, for her extraordinary care and attention to my needs and foibles. She is the best!

I also am grateful to Tom Sand, Bret Witter and Peter Vegso at HCI for their faith in me and their vision in putting this book on the stands. I hope sales justify their taking a chance on me and on the unsexy topic of forgiveness.

Finally, and always, I thank Sue, my wife. She is from heaven, as are our three kids, Lucy, now fourteen, Jack, eleven, and Tucker, eight. I had a pretty crazy childhood myself, but thanks to Sue and these three spirited rogues, I am getting to participate at last in the unbeatable joy of happy childhoods. Thank you, God, for allowing us this.

Forgiveness Is a Gift
You Give to Yourself

W hen a well-known sportswriter in Boston died not too long ago, something terrible happened, a terrible something that happens so often that nobody usually comments on how terrible it is. The terrible thing was that a man who had once been a close friend of the sportswriter stayed away from the funeral. The erstwhile friend was still bitter over a disagreement the two of them had had a couple of years before the sportswriters death. An argument blew up and burned them both. Resentment took root, and like the weed that it is, it grew fast. Soon, what had been a trusting, fun-filled friendship was overrun by an impenetrable thicket of anger and self-justification. Two men whod been good friends for years became enemies. As so often happens, one of them died before they could find a way to forgive each other and resume the friendship they both had so much enjoyed.