Lucien Edwards - Horrorscopes: A Little Book of Misfortunes

Your indecisiveness will prove to be your biggest shortcoming. When faced with a tough decision, such as whether to confront a horde of hungry zombies or retreat to a dark, windowless basement, remember that your first instinct is generally your best.

Beware of: Clowns with sharpened teeth

Finding the time to pursue your dreams can be difficult, especially when a restless spirit continually tries to take possession of you. Just keep your eyes on the prize and a bottle of holy water in your pocketeverything else will take care of itself.

Dark days: Monday, Friday

With your good looks and easygoing nature youre destined to attract many admirers. Some will have your best interests at heart. Others will attempt to lure you into secluded parks where no one will be able to hear you scream. True wisdom is being able to tell which is which.

Unlucky numbers: 81, 203, 205

You possess great courage and are unafraid to lead the charge when the battle cry sounds. This resolve will be invaluable to your commanders when you take part in the coming war between vampires and humans.

Beware of: Real stuffed animals

You are uncomfortable with change and would rather endure a bad situation than search for a way out. While this approach might work in some scenarios, finding yourself buried underground is not one of them. Use caution around abandoned mines and open graves.

Unlucky numbers: 3, 77

A free spirit who is always on the lookout for excitement, you are apt to party all night and live like there is no tomorrow. You dont know how right you arehave an especially good time tonight.

Beware of: Possessed vehicles

Accidents will happen, especially ones that involve drinking a chemical formula that transforms you into a muscle-bound maniac with pointy claws and sharp teeth. For your own protection, carry an antidote with you at all times.

Beware of: Whats beneath the snow

To get ahead in life you must learn to control your temper. It will not only create obstacles in your career and social life but might also culminate in the uncomfortable condition known as spontaneous combustion. To achieve success, keep your cool.

Unlucky numbers: 492, 619, 758

You are fortunate to have so many friends willing to lend a helping hand whenever trouble arises. For your own good, graciously decline any offers to lend a head, arm, or leg.

Dark days: Wednesday, Thursday

A gourmand through and through, you take great pleasure in sampling experimental dishes seasoned with exotic spices. You should abstain, however, from those delicacies that contain too nutty an aroma. Cyanide, you will recall, has a fragrance nearly identical to that of almonds.

Dark days: Friday, Sunday

If youve been suffering from mysterious aches and pains of late, remember that voodoo dolls are easy to come by, and enemies are, too.

Beware of: Gigantic, disembodied eyeballs

If a tree is cut down in the woods and falls directly on top of the tent where you are quietly sleeping, does it make a sound? A good question to ponder before your next group camping trip.

Unlucky numbers: 9, 23, 711

As the saying goes, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. In your case, when life hands you an antidote for the poison you just drank, take it as quickly as possible.

Dark days: Tuesday, Thursday

Friends know you never lose your head, even when under pressure. It follows, then, that in order to save face, you should avoid guillotines at all costs.

Unlucky numbers: 4, 800

You enjoy problem-solving, and youre happiest working your way out of a difficult mental labyrinth. A real labyrinth is a different matter. Should you find yourself in one of those, remember that minotaurs, like analytical conundrums, are best conquered by quiet contemplation.