First published in Great Britain 2018 by Trigger
Trigger is a trading style of Shaw Callaghan Ltd & Shaw Callaghan 23 USA, INC.
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Navigation House, 48 Millgate, Newark
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Copyright Priscilla Silcock (Sapphira) 2018
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
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British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available upon request
from the British Library
ISBN: 978-1-912478-42-2
This book is also available in the following formats:
MOBI: 978-1-912478-45-3
EPUB: 978-1-912478-43-9
PDF: 978-1-912478-44-6
AUDIO: 978-1-912478-86-6
Priscilla Silcock (Sapphira) has asserted her right under the Copyright,
Design and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work
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Proceeds from all Trigger books go directly to
The Shaw Mind Foundation, a global charity that focuses
entirely on mental health. To find out more about
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www.shawmindfoundation.org
MISSION STATEMENT
Our goal is to make help and support available for every
single person in society, from all walks of life.
We will never stop offering hope. These are our promises.
Trigger and The Shaw Mind Foundation
A note from the series editor
The Inspirational range from Trigger brings you genuine stories about our authors experiences with mental health problems.
Some of the stories in our Inspirational range will move you to tears. Some will make you laugh. Some will make you feel angry, or surprised, or uplifted. Hopefully they will all change the way you see mental health problems.
These are stories we can all relate to and engage with. Stories of people experiencing mental health difficulties and finding their own ways to overcome them with dignity, humour, perseverance and spirit.
Sapphiras story is an intriguing journey from a strict religious upbringing, navigating a drug induced psychotic episode, to discover her own identity. Burlesque or Bust is an inspiring tale which shows readers that is possible to come back from an episode of severe mental illness including a stay in a psychiatric hospital - and go on to follow your dreams.
This is our Inspirational range. These are our stories. We hope you enjoy them. And most of all, we hope that they will educate and inspire you. Thats what this range is all about.
Lauren Callaghan
This book is dedicated to my husband
and our friend Marc Durif,
My sister, who is my guiding star,
Jack the Bear, who is my guardian angel.
Disclaimer: Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
Trigger encourages diversity and different viewpoints, and is dedicated to telling genuine stories of people's experiences of mental health issues. However, all views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this book are the author's own, and are not necessarily representative of Trigger as an organisation.
When I dance you see yourself
I am your mirror
When I sing you hear your song
I echo your love
When I write you read your truth,
I channel your story
I am you
You are me
We are one
Mirror Image,
Sapphira
CONTENTS
Chapter 1
BREATHE
Is it nature or nurture? I pondered silently, holding my own gaze steadily in the streaky backstage mirror. I hoicked the curve of my bosom into my sequinned corset. My plan was to give myself the perfect lift, one that would later have the audience wondering, Has she or hasnt she had a boob job? as I cruised through the bar.
I drew the final arch over my eyebrows, accentuating the wicked gleam that twinkled in my eyes. I was wearing false lashes and crystal jewels, and my lips were smothered with glitter for that perfect please sir, put it in there pout.
I mean, what is it that makes someone do what I am about to do? I continued in contemplation.
I could only draw conclusions based on my colourful past, but my answer was this: for most of us its a combination of things the need to be seen, to express something we cant express in any other way, to be worshipped with undivided attention. And possibly, in our weaker moments, to seek validation from our peers.
You see, I am a burlesque artiste, an ecdysiast if you prefer the more sophisticated term. Or, for the hoi polloi who dont quite grasp the detailed artistry and emotional intelligence of the dance, Ill put it more bluntly:
You could call me a stripper.
Even as I type those words something jars within me. The term is so crass. Sure, I take my clothes off slowly, writhing around to seductive music. But what I am doing is also something far more complex.
Its cathartic. Its a craft.
Its theatrical. Its therapeutic.
Its healing. Its expressive.
To be quite honest, I think Id die without it. As, in fact, I nearly have.
If one wants to really understand all the factors that brought me here to this dressing room on Brewer St, Soho in downtown London miles away from my provincial hometown of Melbourne, Australia, slipping my delicate foot into a royal blue satin stiletto, sliding my hands over my supple legs encased in fishnets, and smoothing double-sided tape onto the back of my newly acquired Agent Provocateur nipple tassels, a seductive gift from a female lover then one needs to travel with me back in time.
Way, way back. Back to the very first time I felt like this. Back to the very first time I felt her. Back to the very first time I became this creature I am about to become on stage.
Because she is not me. Shes someone else.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, you are about to meet the real author of this book.
Even as I sit here, warmed by the dim flicker of the candle on my desk and the gentle haze of my desk lamp, I can feel her coming on.
She is the one who wants the story to be told.
She is the one who calls the shots.
She is my alter ego, and she has a different name.
Her name is Sapphira.
And she must be obeyed.
Its hard to say what psychological state your mind is in at different times in your life, fundamentally shaping your behaviour. My knowledge of psychology is limited, but I have always been fascinated by Freuds theory of the Id, Ego and Superego and Maslows Hierachy of Needs. I became aware of these names and philosophies at school, but their principles stuck with me. They resonated deeply with my own experiences of life.