Dr. Nicki J. Monti - Stuck in the Story No More: Breaking Down the Defenses

Stuck in the Story
No More

Breaking Down the Defenses

Dr. Nicki J. Monti

Copyright 2014 by Dr. Nicki J. Monti.

Cover Art and Illustrations: Russell Naftal
Photographs: Linda Vanoff

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013910351

ISBN: Hardcover 978-1-4836-5056-2

Softcover 978-1-4836-5055-5

Ebook 978-1-4836-5057-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

To all readers of this book all names, dates and locations are totally fictional. The author has created all names, images and locations out of mind during the course of writing.

Rev. date: 02/19/2014

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Contents

Hit (Connection) Defenses

Run (Disconnection) Defenses

D R. N ICKI J . M ONTI is a psychotherapist in private practice. She works with individuals, couples, and groups, specializing in interpersonal relationships and addictions (to drugs, food, money, people, sex, work).

A graduate of the University of Wisconsin (BA in communications), Sierra University (MA in psychology), and Pacific Western University (PhD in clinical psychology), she received additional training at the highly esteemed Southern California Counseling Clinic and at the Sojourn Shelter for abused women and children. She has studied with such innovators as Hal Stone (creator of Voice Dialogue) and internationally recognized author and teacher of self-realization, W. Brugh Joy, MD.

In 1987, she began her private clinical practice, also presenting lectures, workshops, and courses on a wide range of topics, including a pilot treatment program she cocreated in 1985-86 for Adult Children of Alcoholics; the Genesis series (since 1987, focusing on healing traumatic childhood wounds); a popular weekly lecture series (Any Wednesday) on using basic psychological understanding for everyday needs (1988-1990); Revelations (since 1991, a six-month course on how personal history influences current difficulties); and Metamorphosis (since 1994, a six-month course emphasizing the integration of mind, body, and spirit).

Dr. Montis newest course series is Stuck in the Story No More. Based on her foundational book of the same name and its companion workbook, this course offers a unique, breakthrough examination of the devastating impact that unconscious psychological defenses can have on individualsand how the crippling patterns of those defenses can be identified and broken.

In addition to her extensive personal and clinical background, Dr. Monti brings to her work a lucid, lively, results-oriented presentation style that has been praised for being both high-minded and intensely practical.

Dr. Monti and her husband Konrad live in Southern California. She travels nationwide to present her lectures and seminars.

Who is constantly evolving as a husband

Who is amazingly relentless as a partner

Who is unfailingly persistent as an emotional and intellectual provocateur

Who is passionate as an advocate for me (and us)

Whose encyclopedic mind makes him a brilliant teacher

and

Whose huge heart makes him an extraordinary friend and enduring partner

First, I thank John Niendorff, the incredible word warrior, who was as much a writing instructor as he was my editor throughout this book project. He is the sculptor who molded this clay into comprehensible shape.

All along the path of my life, I have had astonishing mentors. From the start there was the late Basil Burwell, my first important teacher, who guided me sure-footedly over the rocky terrain of my childhood. My second important teacher was my profound friend Bodhi, who, over two decades ago, introduced me to a deeper version of spiritual exploration. Though Bodhis body has passed, I feel as if he guides me still.

Among the living teachers, I thankfully acknowledge Nancy Steiny, MFCT, whose constant, gentle insight and sly humor helped me grow up (in my life and in my work). I also gratefully acknowledge, above all other teachers, the brilliant, wondrous, and challenging W. Brugh Joy, MD, whose perspectives entirely changed my personal and professional view of the way we human beings work, inside and out, and whose teaching style required new levels of emotional integrity from me.

For the constant professional and personal faith they have shown in my work, I thank my goddaughter, Elizabeth Shara; Cameron Thor and Alice Carter; William and Kazuko Hefner; Carmine and Bill Hogan; and Lee Garlington.

I wholeheartedly thank Margaret Cho for writing a generous foreword. Her professional success is a wonderful example of how great creative work can (and does!) flow out of an individuals difficult personal history.

A particular thanks to Russell Naftal, whose ability to turn our cartoon brainstorms into charming visuals both delighted and surprised me.

A hats off to my glorious team: Hutt Bush, Donna Carsten, and Nina Knepper. All of them have valiantly contributed in pushing this book project forward.

A special thanks goes to Bill W., whose perspectives infuse and inform my life.

Also, I salute the greatest of teachers: my mother and my two fathers.

Finally, I would have no book at all without the countless clients who, over many years and on a daily basis, have trusted me to assist them with the deepest concerns of their lives. They have elaborated my understanding and opened my heart. Many were brave, others were hesitant; some screamed, others joked; some resisted, others persisted. Each one added to my understanding and appreciation of how we each can walk the often perilous but ultimately rewarding road of emotional recovery.

When you work with Dr. Nicki, expect nothing less than a complete transformation.

I walked into her office, what now seems like a hundred years ago, in a state of utter depression. The darkness would not lift no matter what I did. After a short period of sobriety, I was a compulsive overeater, a shopping addict, a sexaholic, and a drama queen. Not only that, I thought that since I didnt use drugs or alcohol, I had it all under control.

I was angry at the whole world, taking it out not only on myself but also on my long-suffering boyfriend. Lashing out at him for virtually no reason at all, I was a nightmare to be with. I realized I needed help. It wasnt that I cared about our relationship all that much; it was the magnitude of my rage that terrified me.

Why was I so unhappy? Why did I hate my body? Why did I loathe and despise men? No longer able to deny my feelings, I realized I had to face my troubles head-on. I went to Dr. Nicki, not knowing what to expect. I had been in therapy before, and it made me hate myself even more. Just listening to myself whining to a stranger was the last thing that would help meor so I thought.

Nicki looked less like a doctor and more like a fairy godmother. Here was this green-eyed, red-hot mama draped in black and ivory silk, jangly with expensive bracelets, with a fiery shock of auburn hair framing a calm and serenely beautiful face, ready to hear all the pain of the world with her bejeweled ears. I thought, Oh, good. Auntie Mame has finally gotten her therapy license.

I sank in her rose damask couch and told her that when my boyfriend held me in his arms, I wanted to punch him in the face. I told her a little about my history, my story that I was stuck in, the neglect and violence I had experienced that never failed to get a reaction from even the most hardened listeners.