Shozan Jack Haubner - Zen Confidential: Confessions of a Wayward Monk

The best account I have ever read of the education of a Zen monk in America.

Leonard Cohen

This is the funniest, most genuine spiritual memoir I have ever read. It feels odd to call it a memoir, given how it is chock full of genuine Buddhist insight. A must-read, especially for those of us who have been accused of being in gay porn films.

Lodro Rinzler, author of The Buddha Walks into a Bar...

The best reason to read Zen Confidential is that its a lot of fun... no, wait, the best reason is that its all about how to have a life... wait, no, the best reason is that its a great ride. Zen Confidential has a virtue rare in spiritual booksit includes the whole of life. The only way out is through, and Jack Haubner takes it with gusto and style. Here we have sex, bathroom customs of the monastery, politics, suicide, drugs, meanness, marriage, standup comedy, Las Vegas, koans, and a 105-year-old Zen master. Its a window into a magical world that pretends to be ordinary and an ordinary world that is magical. Its deep, reflective, and boisterous at the same time. Haubner has an acute eye for the ridiculousness of the world and a larger-than-life way of seeing. Its a fresh, living account of this kind of Zen in America and of living well and serving the way.

John Tarrant, author of Bring Me the Rhinoceros and Other Zen Koans That Will Save Your Life

ABOUT THE BOOK

These hilarious essays on life inside and outside a Zen monastery make up the spiritual memoir of Shozan Jack Haubner, a Zen monk who didnt really start out to be one. Raised in a conservative Catholic family, Shozan went on to study philosophy (becoming de-Catholicized in the process) and to pursue a career as a screenwriter and stand-up comic in the clubs of L.A. How he went from life in the fast lane to life on the stationary meditation cushion is the subject of this laugh-out-loud funny account of his experiences. Whether hes dealing with the pranks of a juvenile delinquent assistant in the monastery kitchen or defending himself against claims that he appeared in a porno movie under the name Daniel Reed (he didnt, really) or being surprised in the midst of it all by the compassion he experiences in the presence of his teacher, Haubners voice is one you'll be compelled to listen to. Not only because its highly entertaining, but because of its remarkable insight into the human condition.

SHOZAN JACK HAUBNER is the pen name of a Zen monk whose humorous essays have appeared in Tricycle, Buddhadharma, the Shambhala Sun, and The Sun, as well as in the Best Buddhist Writing series. He is the winner of a 2012 Pushcart Prize. The events described in his book are true. Shozans name has been changed to protect the innocent.

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Zen Confidential

CONFESSIONS of a WAYWARD MONK

Shozan Jack Haubner

SHAMBHALA

Boston & London

2013

Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Horticultural Hall

300 Massachusetts Avenue

Boston, Massachusetts 02115

www.shambhala.com

2013 by Shozan Jack Haubner

Portions of this book have appeared in different form in the Sun, Shambhala Sun, Tricycle, Buddhadharma, Utne Reader, The Best Buddhist Writing 2010 and 2011, and Pushcart Prize XXXVII.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Haubner, Shozan Jack.

Zen confidential: confessions of a wayward monk/Shozan Jack Haubner.First edition.

pages cm

eISBN 978-0-8348-2905-3

ISBN 978-1-61180-033-3 (pbk.)

1. Haubner, Shozan Jack. 2. Zen BuddhistsUnited StatesBiography.

3. Buddhist monksUnited StatesBiography. I. Title.

BQ962.A85A3 2013

294.3927092dc23

[B]

2012048993

For Papi-san
Who feels the tree branches swaying in his gut

Great things are done when men and mountains meet;
This is not done by jostling in the street.

WILLIAM BLAKE

A Zen masters life is one continuous mistake.

DOGEN

Contents

This is the best account I have ever read of the education of a Zen monk in America.

I was ordained a long while ago. Shortly thereafter my teacher let me know that I was a pretend monk. That was true. I was in it for the robes.

Shozan Jack Haubner has trained for more than nine years with a teacher whom I love, on a mountain that I know. Difference is, he is the real deal. He stuck it out while (many years before he arrived) I escaped.

But now this punk of a monk, who should be tending to his own affairs, has decided to infect the real world with his tall tales, and worse, to let the cat out of the bag. And what a sly, dangerous, beautiful, foul-smelling, heartwarming beast it is. We can almost forgive him.

If you are interested in these matters, this is a book you will enjoy. If you want to go a little deeper, this is a book you will need.

A chance not to take a bow before your favorite readers, but to recognize your cowriters:

My dharma aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews. You are the bravest people I know.

Tom Tom, my legal eagle; Markus, for carefully nosing his way toward the notes that matter; Jikan-san, who dropped a hand from above when I needed it, and gave me a yank; the inji, without whom I would be growing immature in direct proportion to the increase in my chronological age.

Dave ONeal: a good editor makes you realize youre not as good as you thought you were, and then makes you better than you were before.

The editors at the Sun, Tricycle, and the Shambhala Sun, especially Andrea Miller, Rod Meade Sperry, and Melvin McLeodthe brilliant guidance of this powerful trio puts a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

The Baldy boys, from every generationyou keepers of the flame, you mechanics in the mensch factory!

Pops, Mom, Mona, Helen, Beth, Andrew. My people, now and forever. Baboo!

My mentor.

My teacher.

AN INTRODUCTION/AFTERWORD

A Zen Buddhist monastery is a laboratory where you are discovering the natural properties of your true self. You are both the subject and the observer of an experiment that often gets ugly. There are explosions, nasty messes, volatile interactions, strange smells, more explosions, and finally, fascinating, unpredictable results. Something new is bornor rather, uncoveredfrom all of this experimenting. That something is you: your fundamental nature as a human being.

Training at a monastery is simply the organic process whereby you learn to get out of your own way so that the life you were meant to live can fully emerge. I can truthfully say that this approach to spiritual work has utterly transformed me. It has also nearly driven me batshit with frustration and despair. Although Ive been doing this work full-time for close to a decade now, I am no religious expert. I am simply someone who has had his resistance to reality thoroughly worn down by spiritual techniques.

A year into my stay at the monastery, in an attempt to process everything I was going through and to share the experience with others, I began writing personal vignettes dealing with the more mundane, nitty-gritty realities of spiritual work. With my missives from the mountaintop I hoped to leave my mark on American Buddhism, like a teenager stealing through a parking lot, leaving behind a row of elongated, mushroom-shaped items drawn in the dust on the car windows.