Chuck Klosterman - How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found: An Essay from Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

An Essay from Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

Chuck Klosterman

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This essay was previously published in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs copyright 2003, 2004 by Chuck Klosterman.

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First Scribner ebook edition September 2010

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ISBN 978-1-4516-2484-7

Im having a crisis of confidence, and I blame Jesus.

Actually, my crisis is not so much about Jesus as it is about the impending rapture, which I dont necessarily believe will happen. But I dont believe the rapture wont happen, either; I really dont see any evidence for (or against) either scenario. It all seems unlikely, but still plausible. Interestingly enough, I dont think there is a word for my particular worldview: Nihilism means you dont believe in anything, but I cant find a word that describes partial belief in everything. Paganism is probably the closest candidate, but that seems too Druidesque for the style of philosophy Im referring to. Some would claim that this is kind of like agnosticism, but true agnostics always seem too willing to side with the negative; they claim there are no answers, so they live as if those answers dont exist. Theyre really just nihilists without panache.

Not me, though. Im prone to believe that just about any religious ideology is potentially accurate, regardless of how ridiculous it might seem (or be). Which is really making it hard for me to comment on Left Behind.

According to the blurb on its jacket, the Left Behind book series has more than 40 million copies in print, which would normally prompt me to assume that most of America is vaguely familiar with what these books are about. However, that is not the case. By and large, stuff like Left Behind exists only with that bizarre subculture of good people, most of whom Ive never met and never will. These are the kind of people who are fanatically goodthe kind of people wholl tell you that goodness isnt even that much of an accomplishment.

Left Behind is the first of eleven books about the end of the world. It was conceptualized by Dr. Tim LaHaye, a self-described prophecy scholar, and written by Jerry B. Jenkins, a dude who has written over a hundred other books (mostly biographies about moral celebrities like Billy Graham and Walter Payton). The novels premise is that the day of reckoning finally arrives and millions of people just disappear into thin air, leaving behind all their clothes and eyeglasses and Nikes and dental work. All the humans who dont evaporate are forced to come to grips with why this event happened (and specifically why God did not select them). The answer is that they did not accept Christ as their personal savior, and now they have seven years to embrace God and battle the rising Antichrist, a charismatic Romanian named Nicolae Carpathia, who is described by the author as resembling a young Robert Redford.

Everything that happens in Left Behind is built around interpretations of Pauls letters and the Book of Revelation, unquestionably the most fucked-up part of the Bible (except maybe for the Book of Job). Its the epitome of a cautionary tale; every twist of its plot mechanics scream at the reader to realize that the clock is ticking, but its not too latethere is still time to accept Jesus and exist forever in the kingdom of heaven. And whats especially fascinating about this book is that its a best-selling piece of entertainment, even though it doesnt offer intellectual flexibility; its pop art, but it has an amazingly strict perspective on what is right and what is wrong. In Left Behind, the only people who are accepted by God are those who would be classified as fundamentalist wacko Jesus freaks with no intellectual credibility in modern society. Many of the Left Behind characters who arent taken to heavenin fact, almost all of themseem like solid citizens (orat worstnormal Americans). And that creates a weird sensation for the Left Behind reader, because the post-Rapture earth initially seems like a better place to live. Everybody boring would be gone. One could assume that all the infidels who werent teleported into Gods kingdom must be pretty cool: All the guys would be drinkers and all the women would be easy, and you could make jokes about homeless people and teen suicide and crack babies without offending anyone. Quite frankly, my response to the opening pages of Left Behind was Sounds good to me.

Things in Left Behind get disconcerting pretty rapidly, however, and part of what I found disconcerting was that its main character is a reporter named Buck Williams, which was also the name of a retired NBA power forward regularly described as the leagues hardest worker. As a result, I kept imagining this bearded six-foot-nine black guy as the vortex of the story, which really wouldnt have been that much of a stretch, especially since the real Buck Williams was involved with the Jammin Against the Darkness basketball ministry. If the Rapture came down tonight, Im guessing Buck would be boxing out J.C. by breakfast.

A mind-numbing percentage of pro athletes are obsessed with God. According to an episode of Bryant Gumbels Real Sports on HBO, some studies suggest that as many as 40 percent of NFL players consider themselves born again. This trend continues to baffle me, especially since it seems like an equal number of pro football players spend the entire off-season snorting coke off the thighs of Cuban prostitutes and murdering their ex-girlfriends.

That notwithstanding, you cant ignore the relationship between pro sports and end-of-days theology, and its acceleration as an all-or-nothing way of life. In the 1970s, the template for a religious athlete was a player like Roger Staubach of the Dallas Cowboys, someone who was seen as religious simply because everybody knew he was Catholic. The contemporary roster for Gods Squad is far more competitive; if youre the kind of fellow whod be left behind, you dont qualify. These are guys like Kurt Warner of the St. Louis Rams, a person who would consider being called a zealot complimentary.

Warner is an especially interesting case, because his decision to become born again appears to have helped his career as a football player. Here was a guy who couldnt make an NFL roster, was working in a grocery store, and was married to a dying woman. And theninexplicablyhis life completely turns around and he becomes the best quarterback in the NFL (and his wife lives!). Warner gives all the credit for this turnaround to his almighty savior Jesus Christ, and that explanation seems no less plausible than any other explanation. In fact, I find that I sort of want to believe him. In the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXXVI, Warner made a break for the end zone against the New England Patriots; at the time, the Rams were down 173, and it was fourth and goal. Warner was hit at the one-yard line and fumbled, and a Patriot returned the ball ninety-nine yards for what seemed to be a gameclinching touchdown. However, this play was erasedquite possibly wiped clean by the hand of God. For no valid reason, Patriots linebacker Willie McGinest blatantly tackled Ram running back Marshall Faulk on the weak side of the play, forcing the referee to call defensive holding. I remember thinking to myself, Holy shit. That made no sense whatsoever. I guess God really does care about football. St. Louis retained possession and Warner scored two plays later, eventually tying the game with a touchdown pass to Ricky Proehl with under two minutes remaining.