Mark W. Baker - Overcoming Shame: Let Go of Others Expectations and Embrace Gods Acceptance

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

All Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Cover by Jason Gabbert Design

Cover photos Rocket Photos, Slippazz / shutterstock

Published in association with Hartline Literary Agency, LLC, of 123 Queenston Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15235.

The examples used in this book are composites of real-life stories and no example is intended to represent any one particular individual. In addition, all peoples names and details of their situations have been changed in order to protect their privacy.

OVERCOMING SHAME

Copyright 2018 Mark W. Baker

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97408

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

ISBN 978-0-7369-7130-0 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-7131-7 (eBook)

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Contents

Dr. Mark Baker marries faith and modern psychology into a book certain to open both the mind and soul. His brilliant insights are grounded in science and undeniably imbued with Gods inspiration.

D OUG R ICHARDSON

Screenwriter and novelist; movies include Die Hard 2, Bad Boys, and Welcome to Mooseport

Overcoming Shame is a great read written by an experienced psychotherapist. Dr. Baker draws on many concepts from Scripture and positive psychologyhumility, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, and love, to name a few. This book will lift your head, lift your spirits, and lift your eyes toward Jesus.

E VERETT L. W ORTHINGTON , J R , P H D

Professor of psychology, Virginia Commonwealth University

Author of 30+ books on forgiveness and related areas including Heroic Humility (with Scott Allison)

If left unchecked, shame becomes a malignant cancer that extends itself from personal pain to potential violence to self and others. Dr. Baker not only rigorously addresses the destructive power of shame, but he also provides the only guaranteed step-by-step process for being eternally healed from this progressive source of internal and external life-threatening hurt and pain. The timing is right for Dr. Bakers exceptionally well-written book Overcoming Shame. This book is a must-read, a solution for a time such as this.

M ACK H ARNDEN , P H D

Clinical psychologist, founder and president of the Forgiveness Institute

Though shame is seldom discussed in churches, its an emotion that all Christians deal withmost often poorly. We tend to deny or ignore it, which doesnt work and in turn causes more humiliation and pushes us further on the downward spiral of shame. Thankfully, Christian psychologist Mark Baker explains a better way. Rich in detail and depth, Overcoming Shame will also help people deal with guilt, resentment, envy, jealousy, and even narcissism. I know of no one who couldnt benefit from this insightful book, and I especially recommend it to pastors and other church leaders in order to help people defeat a problem that has destroyed individuals, families, and communities since, well, we emerged from Eden.

R ICK S TEDMAN

Pastor and author of 31 Surprising Reasons to Believe in God

I feel really bad, Ethan confessed, looking down.

Okay, I responded, trying not to interrupt what he was struggling to say.

I mean, I think Im a good person arent I ? he said, looking up at me.

I gave him a slight smile, encouraging him to go on. I could tell this wasnt actually a question, but more like he was pleading with me to talk him out of what he had already concludedthat he wasnt a good person.

You know me. Im a by the book kind of guy, Ethan continued. I follow the rules, and I expect others to do the same. Thats the only way you can get respect these days. Our world is so out of control; its just crazy out there. Ive provided for my family and always tried to do the right thing. Well, until now, I guess. I dont know...I mean, I dont know how this happened. I feel so bad.

Actually, Ethan was a pretty good person. I had come to know him well since he started therapy with me. He originally called me for help because his wife had discovered some e-mail messages between him and a woman at work. She was a colleague, one whom he respected and considered a friend, a good friend. At first they found themselves talking about work, and both felt supported by how much they had in common and the perspectives they shared. Then, over time, their conversations became more personal. They started sharing feelings about other people at work, friends they had in common, and eventually about their marriages. This became a slippery slope into even more intimate conversations that they werent having at home with their spouses. Now they were saying things to each other that were far too intimate for just friends. Without realizing it, Ethan had fallen into an emotional affair. It wasnt something he was looking for. It just happened.

The most common place for affairs to start is at work. Most people dont see affairs coming because in most situations they think they are just talking to a friend. But if a person isnt careful, just friends can change into something more than that very easily. And since Ethans wife had gotten involved, he had been struggling to figure out just how he felt about everythingespecially himself.

Ethan was confused just as most people are confused about how they should feel when they do hurtful things. Was he feeling guilt for what he had done, or was he ashamed of himself? Often we use the terms interchangeably, so that makes the dilemma even more confusing. All he knew is that he felt bad, and he had come to me to help him sort out his feelings.

G UILT OR S HAME ?

Guilt and shame are not the same. Guilt is the bad feeling you have for having gone too far. You did something you should not have done, and now you regret it. Shame is the feeling you get for not going far enough. You feel regret for being inadequate. Guilt is about what you did ; shame is about who you are . Both are bad feelings, but knowing the difference is imperative.

If you never felt any guilt or shame, you would be what psychologists call a psychopath a person with no conscience. Psychopaths dont feel bad about anything they do, and they never feel bad about themselves despite the horrible things they are capable of doing. We dont know exactly what causes psychopathy, but you dont want ittrust me. Ive been to a maximum security prison and talked to psychopaths. There are some very bad people on the planet, but ironically the reason they are so bad is because they never question their badness. If you feel guilt and shame, you should be grateful. At least you are not a psychopath.

The Bible has a lot to say about guilt. Mostly guilt feels bad, but it exists to help us. Paul talks about a godly sorrow that leads people to repentance and produces good things in their lives (2 Corinthians 7:11). So guilt is a useful antipsychopathic tool for normal folks. What I call healthy guilt is the capacity to feel bad when you have hurt someone else, God, or even yourself. Healthy guilt is motivated by love. You want to be a good person, and if you hurt someone, your healthy guilt stimulates you to do the loving thing. In most cases, you take action to make amends for what you did wrong. Guilt comes from doing something wrong, so it is corrected by you doing something right. Healthy guilt motivates you to do the right thing to restore damaged relationships. It comes from having a conscience, and that in itself is a good thing. God created guilt to guide us toward restoring our relationships with him, but it works as a guide for restoring relationships with one another as well.