Rose B. - The Gift of Sobriety: A Spiritual Transformation

Copyright 2022 by Rose B

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Contents

This book is dedicated to my sponsor and all those who selflessly gave of their time, knowledge and love to help me in my journey of recovery from alcoholism. It is also dedicated to all those who still suffer.

It is a pleasure to write this foreword for Rose. I have known Rose for over ten years (the last two as her therapist). Ive watched her ups and downs as she has dealt with great loss, and significant emotional challenge. Rose is a highly intelligent, successful career woman and educator with numerous talents, high energy and a keen spiritual curiosity. Shes also an alcoholic.

Once Rose started the 12 Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, she delved deeply into her search for understanding of the disease, and her own descent into it. She has made a sincere search for self-awareness, humility and spiritual connection. This has meant a leap in her well-being, improvement in all her relationships and the foundation of her equanimity. I have been witnessing to Roses changes in the last year and it is rare that I see someone dedicate themselves so earnestly and completely to their recovery as she.

This book started as a journal for her own healing, for her recovery, and as a record of her experiences. Her decision to turn her own journal/journey into a book for the public comes from her desire to be of service. I think you will find it as engaging and informative as I have.

If you or anyone you know struggles with the disease of alcoholism this book will educate and inspire through the narrative journey of this singular woman.

Frances Fuchs, PHD

April, 2018

I am writing this journal because I feel that I am changing and I want to chronicle what I am feeling and thinking so I can understand, at a later time, how these changes came about.

My name is Rose, and I am an alcoholic. I understand that now, but I did not know that for a very long time. I was brought up in a Swedish Lutheran family from Kansas. All I knew about alcohol was that we drank it at dinner at Easter and Christmas (when I was an adult). I could have one drink of wine or maybe two. But that was it.

I was raised to be a wife and a mother. I married at 19 as had my mother and my two sisters before me. However, for me, that ended when my husband of four years walked out of the marriage suddenly. I came home from work one summer day and he was not there. There was no note and I couldnt understand where he was. I looked in the closet and saw that his clothes were gone. I called the bank and was told that he had withdrawn half of our checking and savings accounts. I was devastated and felt ill. I was numb for several months and tried desperately to figure out what to do. My parents told me that it was my fault. That did not feel accurate to me. My dad took me to talk to their minister and I felt totally misunderstood and judged. I realized I was on my own in figuring out who I was. So, I decided to take a trip with a new male friend, who had lived in Spain for two years and was fluent in Spanish, through Mexico, Central and South America. I had always wanted to see the world and had taken a trip to Europe with my husband. It was seven months before I came back home to California. During that time, I had time to reflect, to read about and start doing hatha yoga and to realize that everything I had been taught was relative to the culture I had been raised up in. I learned some Spanish and talked with women as we travelled from town to town. I would ask them about their lives, hopes and dreams. They usually did not have any and rather felt certain that they would spend the rest of their lives in the hot dusty town they were born in. They were probably right. I realized I had many options being born white, a woman, and in America. I felt a huge responsibility to do something with my life and I decided to return to college.

I shopped around at colleges in Northern California. I was into tarot cards at that time and whenever I asked about one college in particular the Sun card would come up which is a major arcana card that represents attaining the highest spiritual level. I didnt know what that meant exactly but felt it implied that good things were ahead. So, I moved to a small town in the valley of California to attend a State University. I got my Bachelors and Masters degrees (in Psychology and Counseling respectively). I also got a Black Belt in Kodenkan Ju Jitsu. I lived alone in a small house my folks had bought for me to stay in and loved it. I could do anything I wanted day or night and felt like I was finally getting to know who I was.

A fter graduating and working for about a year and a half at the college I had attended, I decided it was time to get more education to promote my professional career. At that time, I was interested in becoming a counselor so I decided to enroll in a private doctoral program in Clinical Psychology in Berkeley, California, commuting between the town I lived in and there. I was supporting myself by doing massage by appointment in the dojo which I helped to run. This was a type of full body massage designed to promote general health that I had learned when I was studying Ju Jitsu. I had very little money but I felt I was on the right track.

Then suddenly my life fell apart again. I had a series of three dreams a week in a row the nights before I would return home from Berkeley. The first one was innocuous enough just a black belter friend talking to me. But it happened verbatim as I had dreamed. I didnt know what that meant, but I trusted the next two when they occurred. The last one was of my then husband of a year and a half, my Ju Jitsu instructor, being with another woman. That weekend I found him with that woman and realized that that marriage was over. I again was shocked and devastated and did not know what to do.