Caroline Millington - Kindfulness

www.readanima.com

Where do you come on your To Do list? Between juggling the demands of work, potentially toxic friendships, never ending life-min, parenting guilt, trying to be the best partner you can be or looking for love life can be totally overwhelming. And for so many of us, its the bits were not #winning at that appear to be flashing in neon lights as a daily reminder.

Thats where kindfulness comes in blending mindfulness with being kind to yourself. Simply, remembering to treat yourself with kindness in all instances. That means no more self-flagellation over so-called failings, setting boundaries to get the best out of your relationships and making your emotional wellbeing a priority.

From managing the impact of social media on your mental health to building self-confidence, Kindfulness will help equip readers with the tools they need to have a more positive mindset, put themselves first, identify the triggers in their life which can cause anxiety and generally take better care of themselves.

Contents

For my sister, Leanne

This book does not claim to help those experiencing mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any medical condition.

If you want to talk to someone about your mental health or a loved ones turn to page 191 where there are details of organizations that can help you. You are not alone.

The kindfulness survey took place in 2018.

On paper, life was good. I had a fantastic job at a national magazine where Id recently been promoted, had journalism awards on my bookshelf, a wonderful family and smorgasbord of friends to keep me entertained at weekends and evenings. But there were glaring gaps when it came to ticking those winning at life boxes. At least to me.

I spent too much time comparing myself to others who seemed to be climbing the career ladder quicker than Ed Sheeran climbs the charts and smashing their life goals.

There was no boyfriend, let alone a husband.

No pets, let alone kids. I could hear my biological clock quietly ticking away like a time bomb in my womb.

My body image wasnt great.

Something had to change. And it had to be me. More specifically, the way I looked at my life. Because, when its all a bit First World problems not the big, serious stuff like grief, unemployment or health issues the guilt sets in too. So, not only do you feel dissatisfied with life and not good enough, you feel guilty about feeling that way. Which is, quite frankly, pretty shit. Depression and anxiety had hovered around in my life at times in the past, and they were uninvited guests to my future.

I shared my feelings of frustration with a close group of friends, and one recommended her therapist. My decision to go to therapy was simple: you dont wait until youre in the middle of a battle to put your armour on. You dont have to be experiencing mental health issues before you decide to start to look after your mental well-being. So I made it a priority.

Little did I realize, this was my first true act of kindfulness.

What is kindfulness?

Lets start with my definition of kindfulness.

Ive clearly merged two of my favourite words:

mindfulness (noun)

The quality or state of being conscious or aware of something; a mental state achieved by focusing ones awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting ones feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

kindness (noun)

The quality of being friendly, generous and considerate; a kind act.

My definition of kindfulness :

Being conscious, aware and accepting of ones feelings while demonstrating kindness and consideration towards oneself. The quality of being mindfully kind towards oneself and generous with self-compassion.

Buddhist monk and author Ajahn Brahm described kindfulness as a practice that strengthens our ability to look after ourselves looking after our own minds to become a kindful force for good in the world.

Talking about yourself feels very self-indulgent. It seems so un-British to pick apart your life when, the reality is, youve got a great one.

I didnt think I was depressed or experiencing anxiety at the time, but I knew that I was in danger of slipping back in that direction. And I could and should be happier. What the hell did I have to be fed up about?

I was keen to get to the root of why I felt so frustrated as I unpicked different aspects of my life. It wasnt an overnight epiphany. But therapy allowed me to unravel the tapestry of my life to see the frayed bits, worn patches and holes made from wear and tear like your favourite pair of jeans that have been destroyed by thigh rub. All those threadbare bits had been worn down because I wasnt making myself a priority; I hadnt been setting personal boundaries; I didnt give myself enough space to grow into the person I wanted to be; and I allowed others to project their issues onto me, absorbing them like an overused bath sponge. I just wasnt kind enough to myself.

In fact, some of the character traits I was so proud of were actually detrimental to my mental and emotional well-being.

It became clear very quickly that I liked to please. And hated to disappoint people. So guilt was wrapped around acts of kindness, and my priorities were skewed. At work, with family and friends in every aspect of my life.

Armed with this revelation, Ive spent the past couple of years learning to be kinder to myself. Im so much happier for it. And its had a positive impact on all my relationships, too.

Kindfulness is not about treading on others to make sure your needs are met first. Its about understanding that its OK in fact, absolutely essential to recognize your own needs and to be vocal about them. Its not about being self-centred but recognizing and acknowledging the negative thoughts you have about yourself and reframing them to be more positive. To love yourself, despite not being societys idea of perfect. And to celebrate who you are instead of comparing yourself to others.

Id always thought that putting yourself first was selfish. And that friends who were used to getting their own way were self-centred and spoilt. I was wrong. They had learnt to put themselves at the centre of their world exactly where they should be. Making yourself the most important person in your life, shaking off the idea were brought up with that we should always put others first, is not about feeding your ego its about finding what makes you happy.

What felt self-indulgent at first became a glorious feeling of self-empowerment. Caring for myself felt good. Learning to spot negative patterns in my behaviour or seeing how changing my own priorities and ways of communicating had a positive effect on my relationships with others was uplifting.