Sophie Hannah - How to Hold a Grudge: From Resentment to Contentment—The Power of Grudges to Transform Your Life

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Scribner

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Copyright 2018 by Sophie Hannah

First published in Great Britain in 2018 by Hodder & Stoughton, a Hachette UK company

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Scribner Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Scribner hardcover edition January 2019

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Cover design and Illustrations by Jonathan Bush

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 978-1-9821-1142-7

ISBN 978-1-9821-1144-1 (ebook)

This book might never have happened if my sister and I had not had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: Im thinking of writing a self-help book called How to Be a Doormat one that, on the face of it, advocates being a pushover, and describes what will happen to you if you are one. The real aim, of course, will be to show that its not a great idea to be a doormat. Itll be a reverse psychology self-help book.

Her: You definitely shouldnt write that book.

Me: Why not?

Her: Because youre not a doormat, or a pushover. Any book on the subject should be written by a true doormat.

Me: And... Im not one?

Her: No.

Me: Oh. Then what am I?

(Dont I sound so much like a doormat at this point? Asking to be told what I am? I mean, who does that?)

*presses rewind*

Me: Oh. Then what am I?

Her: Youre someone who holds grudges.

Me: Ha! Well, obviously. Who isnt? Everyone holds grudges.

Her: Not the way you do. You devote more care and attention to the collection, analysis and maintenance of grudges than anyone Ive ever known.

Me: Hold onI always give second chances, though. I never cut anyone out of my life, no matter what theyve done. Remember Dillon from Indianapolis, who kept attacking me on Twitter? I ended up suggesting that he and I do an event together at a literary festival, where we could discuss in front of an audience whether I was okay or a horrendous person.

Her: Did that happen? I didnt know about that. Did you really suggest that?

Me: Yup.

Her: Well... that was fucking stupid of you. Are you seriously denying that you hold grudges?

Me: No, I definitely do, but... not in a bad way. I hold good grudges.

Her: Is there a difference?

Me: Of course.

Her: What is it?

Me: Is that a serious question? Do you honestly not know? Maybe I should write a book called How to Hold a Grudge though there are probably dozens already. Let me look online...

Guess what? Before I wrote this one, no book on the specific subject of grudges existed. Nobody, it seemed, had ever undertaken a thorough analysis of grudges as a psychological phenomenon, or suggested how we should handle and think about them, or examined the role they play in our lives. Can you believe it? I couldnt. Grudges are so universal, such an important and fascinating part of human experience. They inspire songs, movies, books, political careers and even architecture (see Chapter 5 for details!). Weve all held a grudge, tried to shake one off or discovered that someone we know is holding one against us.

It was January 2016 when I had the above conversation with my sister, and the world urgently needed a book on the subject of grudges. Since I was surrounded on all sides by lazybones who werent showing any signs of producing that book, I decided to write it myself.

In these pages, youll find everything you need to know about the many different types and themes of grudge, how to grade a grudge, the difference between a grudge and Not a Grudge (which isnt as obvious as it seems), when we should let a grudge go, how to manage your grudge budget (or grudget), and how to honor your grudges and distill lessons from them that will turn you into a better, happier person, for your own good and for the sake of spreading good and limiting harm in the world. You will also find plenty of my grudge stories and many sent in by other people. In nearly all of these, certain changes have been made to names and other minor details. Dillon from Indianapolis, for example, might in real life be Garry from Helsinki, and I might sometimes refer to people no longer in my life as if they are still around.

The opinions, advice and theories offered in this book, unless attributed to others, are mine and mine alone. I am not a psychotherapist and not a trained counselor or mental health expert of any kind. Im someone with forty-seven years of active and regular grudge-holding experience (remember: You devote more care and attention to the collection, analysis and maintenance of grudges than anyone Ive ever known.Sophies sister) and a strong interest in the subject, and you are welcome to disagree with me about any or all of it! Id love to hear from you, whether you agree or disagree, and you can contact me via the contact button on the home page of my .

I asked two experienced therapists whom I admire and trust to read an early manuscript and send me their thoughts and responses. They are Helen Acton and Anne Grey, and Ive included some of their insights in the text. You can find more information about Helen and Anne at the back of this book on .

People believe that in order to live a happy life that they enjoy, they have to be delusional and sugarcoat everything. They pretend that bad things arent bad, that mean things arent mean, that people are good for them who really arent. Its better to be realistic and find a way to cope with the negative stuff. Dont sugarcoat anythingrecognize the problem and deal with it. People think that to forgive and forget is the healthiest thing. Its not.

Phoebe Jones, age sixteen

Secretly we all hold grudges, but most of us probably think we shouldnt, and many of us deny that we do. To bear a grudge is too negative, right? Instead, we should forgive and move on.