Barbara Rainey - My Heart, Ever His: Prayers for Women

Personal loss of any kind reveals our fears about God and ourselves: Is God in control? Does He see me? How am I supposed to live with whats happening in my life right now? The Psalms pose similar questions. They are earthy, gritty, raw. Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? P S A L M 10:1 David and others wrote these prayers, laments, and songs with words that shock us in our present walking-on-eggshells culture. No one knows what to say or not say for fear of offending at work, at school, with neighbors, or with strangers. Then at church there is an atmosphere of niceness, a false everything-is-okay exterior mask we feel compelled to wear to prove God is making good. when its just me and God... how do I talk to Him? How do I not offend the Creator of the universe? I feel silly sometimes talking to Him, because normal, shallow relational approaches feel ridiculous or embarrassing before the throne of God Almighty. how do I talk to Him? How do I not offend the Creator of the universe? I feel silly sometimes talking to Him, because normal, shallow relational approaches feel ridiculous or embarrassing before the throne of God Almighty.

Suffering has been a very unwelcome part of my life. Winter came again recently for me. Not like other winters, for God doesnt copy and paste, but works perfectly and individually for what I uniquely need to know and experience of Him. This new season of loss took a completely different shape from previous winters of my life. A different kind of cold settled in; not the sharp, brutal sub-zero kind, but a cloudy, damp, chills-to-the-bone cold. Like a slowly creeping fog that settles and stays, this season of loss was an ill-defined cloud, daily thickening to zero visibility or lifting enough to see hints of sunshine through the mist.

Ive learned through the years that Gods light shines the brightest in the darkness, so I should have remembered His faithfulness more confidently. I havent always seen His glow in the middle of the hardest moments of my life, but over time He has revealed hints of Himself in ways He knew Id recognize, ways that were best for me. Surprising me, God inspired me to write in this season of loss, to put into words the emotions and experiences of my life as a woman as I rode those rough, relentless, pounding waves. Ive never been a good journaler, always afraid someone might read my raw revelations and be shocked at my depravity. But in this season I was fully convinced of my wickedness, and I resolved that if God sees all and loves me, what someone else might see is irrelevant. The ink began to flow.

The Psalms were my daily companion every day for months. The words of groaning, complaining, anguish gave voice to my heart and became comfortably familiar to me. The descriptors of emotion felt right, not rash. These prayers of mine are not happy life-is-great prayers, though like the Psalms, some are praises for what God has taught me. Ive realized I am more drawn to the throne of God when life is hard. When the sun is shining and the days are easy, I just move through life enjoying the ride.

The wrongness of hard times presses me to Jesus because I know He understands better than anyone else. But I stepped into prayer writing slowly, cautiously, and carefully. I wasnt sure I could or should be as real as the psalmists. Adding to my fear of such blunt honesty were memories of my strong teaching to my children to not complain. We memorized as a family, Do all things without grumbling or disputing (Philippians 2:14). When my children complained, my comprehension of God expanded as I recognized what He endured from me, from us all, when I grumbled.