Timothy Keller - On Marriage

Why bother to get married at all?

In the words of the traditional Christian wedding service, God has established and sanctified marriage for the welfare and happiness of humankind. While true, that cannot be the end of the discussion for modern people.

This is a more pressing question now than it has ever been in previous times. In the past it was a given that to become an adult member of society you married and had children, and the vast majority of people did so. But younger adults in Western countries today postpone marriage at unprecedented rates. Nearly a third of all millennials in the United States may stay unmarried through age forty, and 25 percent may not marry at all, the highest proportion of any generation in modern history. Why? There are two reasons that so many marriages never begin: economic stress and the rise of individualism in culture.

The economic factor is seen in the widespread belief of single adults that they must be financially secure in a good career before they marry and that, of course, their prospective mate should be as well. The background assumption is that married life is a drain on resources, especially with the arrival of children. Before marrying, it is therefore believed, you should have a guaranteed income stream, adequate savings, and perhaps even an investment portfolio.

However, this view flies in the face of both statistics and tradition. Traditionally, you got married not because you were economically secure and stable, but in order to become so. Marriage brings with it unique economic benefits. Studies show that married couples save significantly more than singles. Spouses can encourage one another to greater levels of self-discipline than can friends. Spouses also provide each other with more support through the trials of life, so that they experience greater physical and mental health than singles.

The other factor in the decline of marriage to which experts point is expressive individualism. This is a term popularized by sociologists to describe a growing cultural trend. In traditional cultures our personal identity was worked out in our relationships. Who I am was defined by my place in a family and community, and perhaps by my place in the universe with God. I became a person of worth as I fulfilled my responsibilities in these relationships. In modern times, however, we have turned inward. Who I am must not be determined by what anyone else says or thinks about me. I become a person of worth as I discover my own deepest desires and feelings and express them. Once I determine who I am, then I can enter into relationships, but only with those who accept me on my own terms.

This modern approach to identity is instilled in us by our culture in countless ways. In the 2016 film Moana, the crown princess of a Polynesian island has been told by her father that she is the islands future leader and will have to submit to many traditional responsibilities. But instead, Moana has a desire to set out to sea to find adventure. Her grandmother sings her a song that tells her that her true self resides not in her duties and social responsibilities, but in the expression of her inmost desires. She tells Moana that if a voice inside her heart tells her to follow her desires, that voice inside is