Phil Edwards - Fake Science 101: A Less-Than-Factual Guide to Our Amazing World

The world is full of questions, and science provides every answer. Once you learn these answers, youre guaranteed to half-remember them for the rest of your life. Dont wander around the world without a clue about how things work when, instead, you can have a vague impression about how things work. If youre uncertain about anything, science is the answer. Maybe.

Science is all around us, waiting to be discovered by somebody like you. And while some people will insist that you need years of training, intellectual rigor, and medium to high intelligence, those people probably havent heard of this book. Please dont tell them about it, either. Theyre the type of people who know lawyers.

Who are scientists? Scientists are people who invent amazing things and then, a few years later, invent new things to save us from their earlier inventions. Scientists are people who shout the truth to the world through dense articles in scientific journals that circulate to eight, or even twelve, people. Scientists bunk and then debunk our continually amazing world.

Derived from the word scio, which means hard in Latin, science has guided our culture for thousandsif not billionsof years. Theres a good chance youve already encountered science in your living room, unless that was your television, not science. Still, the lesson stands. Also, you should really upgrade to HDTVthe picture quality is amazing!

By reading Fake Science 101, youll finally be able to answer all of lifes unanswerable questions. Some of your answers may even be correct. But no matter what, theyll all be answers. As long as you speak in a loud, clear voice and look the other person in the eye, they probably wont even notice that you just said physics is spelled with an x.

So read on. Well cover biology, geology, and all the other top -ologies. If we remember chemistry and physix, well talk about them too. Once youre done, you can share the worlds secrets with your family and friends. If you dont have family and friends, strangers will suffice.

When should you use Fake Science? Only use it when the facts are too confusing. So, in simpler terms, you should use it all the time.

SCIENTIFIC FACT

Introductions are useful tools to make textbook authors believe that someone actually cares what they think.

What does science provide the answer to?

a. Everything

b. Naughty questions

c. Mans existential void

d. This quiz

Where does the word science come from?

a. No one knows

b. Inside a volcano

c. Scientists invented it

d. A mixture of benzene and butterfly kisses

Why should you pursue science as a career?

a. A chance to confuse your friends

b. An opportunity to have journalists misinterpret your theories

c. Its cooler than math

d. Tap dancing doesnt pay like it used to

Is it possible to have too short a chapter for a chapter quiz? If so, why are you so lazy?

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Scientists around the world work hard every day. Whose work do you want to coast off of? How will you pay for the inevitable lawsuits?

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Write your own 3,000-word introduction to Fake Science 101 and craft a short note giving the rights for Fake Science to use it in a future edition of this book. Please send it to the Fake Science labs as soon as possible, preferably typed. But really, anything will be accepted. These deadlines are brutal.

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Science and the arts occasionally have a strained relationship. Still, its important to learn about the arts. Write a short essay about what you would do if you met a poet, a musician, and an artist. Then describe how you would use science to cure them so they could do something useful with their lives.

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