Dennis DiClaudio - The Paranoids Pocket Guide to Mental Disorders You Can Just Feel Coming On

THE

Pocket Guide to Mental Disorders You Can Just Feel Coming On

DENNIS DICLAUDIO

Heres the thing about mental disorders: theyre not all that funny in real life. When theyre happening to you, or to someone you love, theyre sad. Maybe a little frustrating and confusing as well, but definitely sad.

As such, I had a more difficult time writing this book than I did with its predecessor, The Hypochondriacs Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have. Not to say that diseases arent also a pretty big bummer when theyre happening to you. (They are. Very much so.) But its easier to externalize the bad guy with diseases. Most pathogens and parasites are unmitigated pillocks, and I have no problem putting that down in print. You can quote me!

But when the culprit is a hiccup inside a persons own brain well, it makes my job a bit harder.

All this to say that it is definitely not my intention to mock anybody unlucky enough to get saddled with any of the absurd conditions catalogued in this book. Cerebral glitches run deep in my genetics, and I personally dont get on so well without a daily measure of chemical supplements. So, I am rather empathetic to people who are going through some difficult stuff.

Im also well-practiced in scouring a bad situation for some way to laugh about it. And theres some value in that. Its both trite and untrue to claim that laughter is the best medicine (in my experience, that would be fluoxetine), but theres no denying it helps take the edge off.

In an effort to divorce the mental disorder from the mind its affecting, I thought it might be useful to add a feature to the entries of this book: the Inner Monologue. Each monologue is a narration by the disorder itself. Its my attempt to portray the disorder as one of those little cartoon devils that rests on its victims shoulder and twists his or her view of the world.

As in the previous book, every disorder recounted herewhether neurological or psychological in natureis completely real, researched, and explained to the best of my ability as a person who is approximately half as smart as he thinks he is.

I hope that you enjoy reading this book as much as I did not enjoy researching it.

Dennis J. DiClaudio, Jr., B.A.

Because lifes too short not to spend it worrying.

(ALSO BRAIN FAG, BRAIN FATIGUE)

Because theres only so much information your brain can handle before it just snaps.

QUIZ YOURSELF

Do you sometimes feel intellectually overtaxed?

Do you suffer from anxiety or nausea when called upon to think?

Are you absolutely certain you answered these questions correctly?

INNER MONOLOGUE

You have to concentrate. Focus on this equation in front of you. Youve been at this for hours. Days. But if you just concentrate hard enough youll get it. It cant be that complicated:

Well, T stands for string tension. Thats easy enough. And is the target manifold. What the hell is a target manifold? Who made this nonsense up? This cant mean anything in real life. Theyre trying to get to you. They made up this ridiculous equation with a bunch of squiggly lines just to make you squirm. But it wont work. Youll show them. Youll show them all.

Theyre watching you through the walls. Theyre watching through the book. They want to drive you mad. Well, would a madman take off all his clothes, slather himself down with cream cheese, and streak across campus, loudly professing his sanity? Thatll show them.

DIAGNOSIS

Cerebropathy, often called Brian Fag, occurs when you push your intellectual energies to their absolute limit. Imagine a gauge inside your head with the needle wavering nervously in the red zone. Your brain reaches a point at which it cant rev any harder, so that the slightest additional input causes the gears to snap violently. Following this snap, it becomes difficult to remember even simple details. Concentration on anything becomes nearly impossible. Your brain simply feels exhausted. Cerebropathy may also lead to an inability to sleep, extreme anxiety, depression, and possibly full-on dementia.

CAUSALITY

The disorder has been linked to severe mental stress resulting from intellectual over-stimulation and lack of sleep. It may also be caused by an overexposure to other people. It has been known to occur among Japanese office workers, who will sometimes spend more than 80 hours a week at their desks, as well as in West African students struggling to adjust to a Western educational system.

Concentration on anything becomes nearly impossible. Your brain simply feels exhausted.

TREATMENT

Probably the simplest way to treat Cerebropathy is simply to remove yourself from the stressful situation in which youve landed. If you havent returned to normal in a few weeks, you may want to seek professional treatment, most likely consisting of psychotherapy and possibly anti-anxiety medication, such as lorazepam.

Of Note

While classic Cerebropathy is considered to be a psychological disorder, the name is sometimes used to describe Encephalopathy, a neurological disorder caused by any number of physical problems, such as liver disease, kidney disease, or a shortage of oxygen to the brain. The symptoms can be virtually identical; however, if left untreated, Encephalopathy may lead to coma and possibly death. So if you find yourself with a case of Cerebropathy, just remember to calm down and try to relaxotherwise youll die.

HYPEREKPLEXIA

(ALSO STARTLE DISEASE)

Because everything, everywhere, is always shocking.

QUIZ YOURSELF

Are you easily startled?

Do loud noises cause you to recoil more than they should?

Do your muscles ever clench so tightly you become all but paralyzed?

What was that noise?

INNER MONOLOGUE

Good idea bringing her to Count Draculas Bloody Hellhouse of Horrors and Freakatorium for your first date. This is a good change of venue from that French bistro place; that hasnt always worked out so well. There was that one incident when you brought that cute redhead from the video store and the couple at the next table ordered champagne. Waiters should warn you before they pop those bottles open. Jeez, you really freaked out the redhead. Too bad she didnt let you pay her dry cleaning bill.