Katie Piper - Beautiful Ever After

For my Big Pug

First published in Great Britain in 2014 by
Quercus Editions Ltd
55 Baker Street
7th Floor, South Block
London
W1U 8EW

Copyright 2014 Katie Piper

The moral right of Katie Piper to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

PICTURE CREDITS

Daily Mirror Pride of Britain Awards/Pete Mariner
Daily Mirror Pride of Britain Awards
Mirrorpix/Phil Harris
Rex/Jonathan Hordle
Fabulous/ David Bailey
Rex/Roger Askew
Rex/Jonathan Hordle
Getty/Neil P Mockford

All other pictures supplied by the author.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

HB ISBN 978 1 78087 656 6
Ebook ISBN 978 1 78087 657 3

Consultant: Clare OReilly

You can find this and many other great books at:
www.quercusbooks.co.uk

July 2013

To my baby,

Right now youre growing safe and warm in my tummy, your whole life stretching out ahead of you. Your possibilities are endless. Youre perfect. You can be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do, go wherever you want to go. Your potential is limitless. I wanted to write you this letter so you can always look back and know how much you have been loved, right from the minute we first knew you were coming into our lives.

Though Im your mum, you will be in charge of your own destiny. I can try and steer you, try and advise you, but if youre anything like I was as a child, youll always make your own choices and forge your own path, learning as much from your failures as from your successes.

Ive thought long and hard about what I want for you in your lifetime. Itd be simple for me to say Id love you to be a doctor like Mr Jawad, the man who saved my life and gave me back my face, but there are also far simpler things I want for you; basic building blocks which will make you happy, foundations that have nothing to do with your career path or future decisions.

I want you to be healthy and never to know physical pain, the smell of hospitals or the bleeps of machines. I want you to be strong, both physically and mentally. You will always be able to lean on your dad and me, but finding your own strength inside and knowing you can rely on it will carry you through whatever hardships life throws at you.

I want you to be fearless and free and confident. Dont live by anyone elses rules; I hope you design and live by your own. Dont measure yourself against others; fulfil your own potential. As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and swear with unflinching honesty that youre the best version of yourself you can be, youll always sleep well and feel proud of who you are.

I want you to be tender and gentle, but fierce and brave. I want you to see the best in everything, the light in the dark, the hope in despair. I want you to know compassion and never to judge. Everyone has their own story; you never know whats going on inside them.

I will always try to protect you from evil but I will also teach you that there are a vast many more good people in the world than there are bad. Ill help you understand that life can be hard sometimes and can rip you from the path you thought you were on, but with strength and courage you can grow to accept and love the new path you have to carve out for yourself, and you can reach the destination that was meant for you nonetheless.

You will grow up seeing disfigurement as a badge of honour, not one of shame. A mark of how far people have come, not of how different they are. You, my miracle child, will learn that beauty is only skin deep and that the courage in your heart will carry you further in life than the shape of your cheek bones. This is everything I now know to be true and hold dear.

I want us to be close always. I want to make you proud of me and I want you to know Im always here, that theres nothing I wont do for you, and that my love for you is infinite. I hope you wont take it for granted, but dont ever doubt its existence.

Well find our way on this journey together; we will learn, explore and grow together. After all, were both new to this, and while Im filled with fear and trepidation about getting it right and not messing up, my heart is bursting with love for you, and that feels like a pretty good starting place.

Love,

Mummy x

As the faint blue line grew stronger, so did my heart, beating in my chest. Pregnant. Pregnant with the impossible. Pregnant with my future. Pregnant with my happily ever after. Pregnant with the child Id believed to my core would never grow inside me.

But soon elation and shock gave way to a deep feeling of unease and fear about a future so precious. The weight of responsibility felt overwhelming. How would I keep my child safe? Away from hurt and harm? How could I look my child in the eye and promise my protection? Promise that Id keep him or her safe from evil when I know what brutality exists in this world?

I was just twenty-four years old when, in 2008, my ex-boyfriend Danny Lynch got a man named Stefan Sylvestre to throw industrial-strength sulphuric acid in my face, burning away the old Katie Piper and changing my life forever. Three days before, Danny had raped me, beaten me and held me hostage in a hotel room for hours. After finally letting me go, hed convinced me not to go to the police. Id then avoided him completely until he sent me a series of begging texts, pleading with me to go to an internet cafe to read an email he said hed sent me. I stepped out from my London flat into the cold March air, already a shadow of the carefree, twenty-something Katie Id been just days earlier. When the large cupful of acid hit my smooth, soft, line-free skin, trickling down my throat and partially blinding me, he almost succeeded in extinguishing the last of the old Katie. Almost.

As I felt the searing heat and smelled my burning flesh, I was sure I was going to die. I didnt, but I have spent the six years since going in and out of hospital, enduring over 250 operations and working through thousands of hours of counselling and therapy to help me cope with both the emotional and physical scars that the attack left me with.

For the longest time I was certain that my chances of a normal future had gone. In the immediate aftermath of the attack I was horrified by my own reflection, barely recognising the image of myself in the mirror. I would play back memories of all the relationships Id ever had, trying to ingrain images and emotions into my mind of what it felt like to be loved, to hold hands, to kiss. I was sure that if I survived Id never be attractive to anyone again, never be intimate, never be wanted. Never be loved.

Then in 2011, when I was told that the drugs Id been prescribed to help restore my vision could have a huge effect on my fertility, I spent months reconciling myself to the idea that, even if I did find love, Id probably never bear my own child. I would never experience a swollen belly and feel butterfly kicks in my tummy. Little did I know what my future held, and how I would be proved wrong on this too.

So, in July 2013, when I finally saw the positive pregnancy test my blue lifeline from the future it presented me with endless possibilities and infinite opportunities, but it also gripped me in a tailspin of fear.