Maddox - F*ck Whales: Also Families, Poetry, Folksy Wisdom and You
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- Book:F*ck Whales: Also Families, Poetry, Folksy Wisdom and You
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In this third book from Maddox, the reigning king of Internet satire delivers a collection of humorous, unapologetic essays in the same voice that propelled him into comedic stardom. With all-new material, F*ck Whales doesnt fail to deliver on his personal brand of satire, complete with self-promotion, petty rants and brilliant essays on anything and everything Maddox deems worthy of his ire.
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Gallery Books
An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
Copyright 2017 by Maddox
Image credits on .
Certain names and identifying characteristics have been changed, whether or not so noted in the text.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Gallery Books hardcover edition October 2017
GALLERY BOOKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or .
The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.
Interior design by Jaime Putorti
Jacket design & illustrations by Ella Laytham
Author photograph By Robyn Von Swank
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
ISBN 978-1-4767-9497-6
ISBN 978-1-4767-9498-3 (ebook)
First, fuck dedications.
Second, this is for the same person I dedicated my first book to.
You mean the world to me.
I love you.
No other animal gets as much of a free pass as whales do, and no other animal deserves it less. What has a whale ever done for you? Thats not a rhetorical question. Think about your first day of school, or when you learned to tie your shoelaces, or the long summer you worked to earn your first car, or applying to college, or having a child. Everything youve ever done, from folding loads of laundry to locking your door when you go to sleep at night, was done without the aid of a whale. These pale gray abominationsand they are gray, lets not kid ourselves with fairy tales about them being bluehave never done anything for you or anyone you care about.
Whales Suck at Everything, Including Death
If a whale fulfills its lot in life, it will likely end up on a beach, where it will spend its time rotting under the sun, emanating a waft of pungent sea-funk that will serve only to ruin beach outings for months to come ().
Removing the whale carcass presents a unique challenge because the job requires a complete disregard for ones own happiness and olfactory health. The most useful outcome for a dead whale should be to end up on our plates, but whales even suck at being food. The mercury levels in whale meat can exceed the recommended limit by 200 times. That means if youre pregnantand I assume you are, until I know otherwisesimply doing your part to dispose of a dead whale, by eating it, will give your child birth defects. That brain damage, in a roundabout way, could be the only positive thing that can be said about whales. It could potentially employ a neurosurgeon.
Fig. 1: Heres a fat, stupid, idiot whale ruining everyones day at the beach by dying all over it. Fuck you, whale.
).
Whales are always in need of saving. No other being, except for the queen of England, has ever needed so much saving as a whale. At least with the queen, its up to God to save her, as opposed to us. Its like the ocean is one giant level of Super Mario Brothers, and the princess is 150 tons of blubber. Every time you save one whale, it proceeds to have offspring that also need saving. Its like trying to save a cat from a burning house while it gives birth to a litter of kittens that all run around the burning house. Theres no way to help whales, except with a harpoon. However, thats a waste of steel. In an ideal world, people would be more concerned about saving the harpoons. Harpoons have uses; whales do not.
Fig. 2: Just another unemployed bum begging for scraps. Get a job!
Whales Are Drinking All Our Water and Eating Our Sailors
Whales are drinking our water, but theyre not even good at doing that, because theres still some left. They need to drink all the oceans dry, so every last whale is beached on a desert of his own creation. When whales arent eating our sailors, which is never, theyre luring them into blasphemous, lifelong obsessions.
Years ago, I wrote a celebrated article titled When Was the Last Time a Whale Did Anything for You? Over the years, this essay has elicited much angry hate mail from whale apologists. Heres one such exchange:
From: Ashley
Subject: Think again!
You know NOTHING about whales. Whales are loving creatures! They DO NOT eat people! Nor do they drink water other than when they suck in water to feed on krill. Did I mention a killer whale has NEVER hurt anybody in the wild? The only thing to blame is humans. They slaughter them, and put killer whales in captivity! Whales go mad in captivity! Next time research before you write!
From: Maddox
Subject: Re: Think again!
Whales are the #1 killer of sailors and thats a fact.
From: Ashley
Subject: Re: Think again!
Nope, youre thinking of jellyfish. Ive seen a picture of a cat kissing a beluga whale and a whale with a diver.
From: Maddox
Subject: Re: Think again!
Might wanna check your facts. Just because youve seen a picture of a whale with a cat or a scuba-diver doesnt mean either survived the encounter. They were probably killed immediately after that picture was taken.
From: Ashley
Subject: Re: Think again!
Yeah right. Get YOUR facts straight!
From: Maddox
Subject: Re: Think again!
Whales are vicious killers. See for yourself!
From: Ashley
Subject: Re: Think again!
The whale is being KILLED BY HUMANS... now they seem like vicious creatures! Oh and in case you couldnt tell its called sarcasm. Watch blackfish you idiot.
From: Maddox
Subject: Re: Think again!
Blackfish is a fictional movie with three writer credits. When whales arent killing humans, theyre drinking all our fresh sea water, killing turtles, jelly fish, dolphins, and wreaking havoc on our ecosystem.
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