Bennett Libby - Finding and revealing your sexual self: a guide to communicating about sex

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F I N D I N G A N D

R E V E A L I N G

Y O U R S E X U A L

S E L F

Mantesh

F I N D I N G A N D

R E V E A L I N G

Y O U R S E X U A L

S E L F

A Guide to

Communicating about Sex

Libby Bennett and Ginger Holczer

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD PUBLISHERS, INC.

Lanham Boulder New York Toronto Plymouth, UK

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Published by Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

A wholly owned subsidiary of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706

http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com

Estover Road, Plymouth PL6 7PY, United Kingdom

Copyright 2010 by Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Bennett, Libby, 1958

Finding and revealing your sexual self : a guide to communicating about sex

/ Libby Bennett and Ginger Holczer.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-4422-0036-4 (cloth : alk. paper)

1. Communication in sex. I. Holczer, Ginger, 1960- II. Title.

HQ23.B44 2010

306.7dc22

2009042612

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information SciencesPermanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to all of our clients who had the courage to share the struggles of their relationships and taught us the intricacy of human sexuality.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments ix

SECTION I ARE YOU TALKING TO YOURSELF?

Speaking of Sex: Beginning the Journey

Whispers of Childhood: Revisiting the Past

Echoes of Sexual Secrets: Healing the Wounds

Expressions of Sexual Response: Acknowledging

Your Differences

Acceptance of Lifes Challenges: Affirming Your Journey 79

SECTION II ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? 101

Dialogues of Sexual Communication: Engaging Each Other

Messages of Expectations: Expressing Your Needs

Interpretations of the Relationship Dance:

Negotiating the Steps

Sighs of Passion: Fanning the Flame

v i i

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v i i i

C O N T E N T S

SECTION III IS ANYONE LISTENING? 187

Talking with Your Therapist

Talking with Your Health-Care Provider

APPENDICES

A

Male Sexual Disorders

B

Female Sexual Disorders

C

Sensate Focus

D

Having the Talk with Your Children

Notes 241

Resources 247

Bibliography 255

Index 259

About the Authors

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

We are grateful to many people who have helped with the creation of our book. We will only be able to mention some by name, but were thankful to so many who encouraged and supported us over the years with the concept of this book.

Foremost, our thanks go to Suzanne Staszak-Silva and the staff at Rowman & Littlefield for believing in us, new authors to this great publishing company. Suzanne, your friendly, lightning-quick responses gave us guidance and hope when we found ourselves questioning our writing or direction.

Our colleagues at the office have also been there to encourage us.

Special heartfelt thanks go to Dr. Kathy LeMon, who has been a mentor to us both and enthusiastically supported us in every one of our endeavors. We dont want to forget Hal Davidson, who moved on from our office but is still in our hearts. We learned so much about human sexuality and keeping a sense of humor from Hal.

To our office staff, DeAnna and Emily, we are forever grateful! You are two beautiful women, both inside and out. You keep us running with precision, support, and great humor.

We are indebted to the sex therapists, counselors, and educators of AASECT, an amazing group of people. They have provided us with i x

x A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S

invaluable books, DVDs, conferences, listserv insights, workshops, and conversations that allowed us to pursue our dream of writing this book.

From Libby: I want to thank Dr. Ginger Holczer, my coauthor, office-mate, and friend. We have taken on so many endeavors, and this one has been an amazing journey! We shared the driving, navigated together through the muck, and always made the final stop in wine country. Im glad to have made the trip with you!

Special thanks go to Dr. Mark Skrade, the president of Forest Institute, who encouraged me to pursue my certification in sex therapy. The certification has introduced me to many valuable therapeutic tools and wonderful friends through AASECT, and it has allowed me to teach and present in the exciting field of human sexuality.

On a personal note, I want to thank my parents, sister, and friends, who have believed in me and loved me over the years. I am grateful for your encouragement and support. Asante sana! Jon Davis, thank you for cheering me on. My deepest appreciation will always be for my two children, Ryan and Ellen. You have been my greatest inspiration for creation, passion, and strength. Your love, wit, intelligence, and sweet hugs are my dearest treasure.

From Ginger: I would like to thank my partner in this endeavor, Dr. Libby Bennett, who worked so diligently to make sure all the details were attended to for the book. Thanks for the skeleton that made this book a reality for us, and for letting me be part of such a wonderful experience. Thanks for feeding me every weekend, and for the evening

wine tastings. Im glad we were able to become such good friends and cant wait to see what the future holds for us!

Thanks to my mentors, Dr. AnnElise Parkhurst and the late Dr. Robert Murney, who taught me in so many words that not only was sex okay to discuss in therapy, but must be discussed in therapy.

Big thanks to my parents and brother for always encouraging my academic pursuits, and to my extended family for being my cheerleaders.

Thanks to my friends who allowed themselves to be put on the back burner while we worked on the book. Special thanks to Aunt Peg for listening and understanding throughout the years.

To Corey, Katy, Brent, Emily, Justin, Lacey, Tyler, Wyatt, and Llewellyn; you are the center of my worldthanks for your undying Mantesh

A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S x i

love and support. You provide me with so many laughs and such love for life! Lastly, to my partner Tom, who picked up the slack in our lives during the time Libby and I were busy writing. Thanks for going on this journey with me even when the path was unsure and scary. I cant think of anyone Id rather have walking beside me.

ARE YOU TALKING TO YOURSELF?

Sometimes I feel like I dont know myself very well. When I was growing up, my family didnt talk about sex, and Im not sure I know what I want for myself sexually.

Female, age 36

SPEAKING OF SEX

Beginning the Journey

We have avoided talking about sex for so long now; I dont know where to start.

Male, age 40

Are you able to talk easily about sex?

Do you hope your sexual problems will just go away?