Shannon Mullen - The Best Youll Ever Have

Table of Contents

Whats a Nice Girl Like Me Doing in the Sex Toy Business?

While checking out this book at the bookstore, you probably glanced at my photo on the back. As you see, I am a normal-looking woman: Midwesternish, midthirties, auburn hair, straight teeth. Not homely, but not a knockout either (although I do my best). I dont have deep cleavage, big teased blonde hair, a leather dress, or latex underpants. Nor do I look like a shrink with fifty years of couples counseling under my belt. I probably look like someone you know. I may even look like you. I may be like youan interesting, curious, happy person, if somewhat ordinary. Until a few years ago, I worked at an advertising agency, went to dinner with friends, dated whenever I got the chance, and looked forward to the weekends and my next vacation. A typical American woman.

Chapter 1

Im not quite so typical anymore. Most American women dont sell sex toys for a living. But more are joining me every day because lots of women buy themor should. Ive learned that much since the creation of Safina, the company I founded to provide sex information and products for women. Im now an official, if unorthodox, sexpert. Unlike the majority of sexperts, I have never appeared in a porn movie. I dont do inner sex goddess classes with hand mirrors and chanting. I havent hosted couples retreats in the mountains where I advise lovers to gaze into each others eyes and breathe in sync. You will never hear me spouting new age psychobabble about sexuality. My approach is the result of my personal, I dare say, typical sexual experience as a civiliannot a professionalsexual being, and a lot of research.

That said, I have also presided over hundreds of Safina Salons (more on Salons later), Ive spoken with and lectured to thousands of women nationwide about sex, and Ive conducted seminars and classes through the Learning Annex and other organizations on how women can improve their sexual pleasure. Ive made gathering sexual information job one and have interviewed dozens of groundbreaking doctors and researchers in the United States and beyond. Ive studied the history of sex from the ancient Greeks to modern presidents. For the last few years, my life has been all sex research, all the time. My life has made a 180-degree turn since my days as an advertising executive. It all beganthe idea to start the company, and to devote myself to sexual educationwith a question. A question that is common to most women but that often goes unasked. If Safina does nothing more (although it doesmuch, much more), I hope we adequately address the query, Am I normal?

Dragging Sex Out of the Closet

I was living in Brussels for an advertising job when the President Clinton/ Monica Lewinsky sex scandal broke. The Europeans were bewildered by our governments reaction to the scandal. I was constantly asked to explain why our government cared about our presidents sex life when the women he saw were clearly over 18 and consenting. When I returned to New York, I noticed a concrete shift in our culture. Sex was a topic of open discussion on TV and in restaurants. Of course, people talked about sex before. But Id never heard newscasters saying oral sex previously or Barbara Walters asking Ms. Lewinsky if the president made her as a woman, happy and content. It was my turn to be shocked. Meanwhile, Sex and the City was not just beloved in New York as it had been when I left, but it had become wildly popular all over the country. The ribald honesty of the characters made Madonnas formerly shocking behavior seem quaint in comparison. Victorias Secret had boomed in my absence too and was now having runway shows broadcast on network TV with their Very Sexy collection, which was more Fredericks of Hollywood than their formerly Victorian style. Staid magazines like Redbook, once full of recipes and mommy tips, now blazed tantalizing cover lines that were just as raunchy as Cosmopolitan.

You turn your back on a country for two years and look what happens! While I was gone, sex had moved to the forefront of the American culture agenda. And yet, when I met my girlfriends for drinks and the subject turned to their own sex lives, all I heard were the same vague statements theyd always made like, My new boyfriend is awesome in bed. No one spoke as explicitly, it seemed, as Ms. Lewinsky, and she did so only under subpoena. The new national openness was great in the abstract, but on a woman-to-woman level, sexuality remained a sealed state secret.

Why Is Sex Such a Mystery?

Eating is essential for survival, like breathing, drinking, and sex. What could be more essential for our species survival than sex? We know a lot about how to eat, breathe, and drink. And although everyone can recite reproductive mechanics, youd be surprised by the huge educational gaps in basic sexual anatomy and the physiology of pleasure. Dont believe me? Tell me then, how long is the clitoris? Whats the difference between the vulva and vagina? Where and what is the prostate? The perineum? What are the four stages of arousal? I could go on (in fact, I dofor the rest of this book). We are all interested in sex, fascinated by it, obsessed with it. So why dont we know everything there is to know about our bodies and what they can do? Whats standing in the way?

Im convinced that the gap is due to how information is presentedas either too medical sounding and therefore impersonal or too explicit and therefore embarrassing. Sleazy sex book covers can be downright mortifying. Ive long felt that buying one would reflect negatively on me (although who would care anyway? Strangers and cashiers?). Sex toy packaging and the dark, shady stores where you buy the stuff are even more off-putting. Even the outsides of those stores are sleazy. Why arent sex toys presented like cosmetics or lacy underwear instead of deviant gizmos for hookers? Sex equals sleaze in our consumer culture (and in our creative culture). No wonder people hesitate before seeking information and buying products or admitting the naked truth to their friends.

Hesitancy about sex dovetails into hesitancy about talking about sex with a partner. If I had a nickel for every time a woman told me, If I tell him what I want him to do to me in bed, hell think Im slutty or greedy or demanding, well, Id be drowning in nickels. Its amazing that women can tell a hairstylist or a waiter in precise detail how to trim their bangs or cook their food, but women cant bring themselves to say not there, there to the most important person in their lives.

I believe that open, honest, straightforward talk should be the norm in all relationships. This must include sex talk. Otherwise, you carry on, not enjoying sex as much as you could. Resentment and/or boredom grow. The result: isolation within a relationship. It seems contradictory to have fear and silence in a love union. Its not healthy, but as Ive learned, it is typical.

When I was in my early twenties, I had a boyfriend who was enthusiastic in bed, but he had the attention span of a flea. Hed leap from one thing to the next too quickly. Id just be getting into his hand motions when hed suddenly change pace or completely stop to start something else. It was unsatisfying for me, but he seemed to be having a great time. I should be enjoying this, I kept thinking. He was doing his best, after all. In frustration, I tried to keep him on track by saying, That feels fantastic and Thats perfect. But he didnt take the hint. It must be me, I decided. I take too long to get into a groove. Its my fault. I vowed to just get used to it. I didnt get the chance though. He dumped me for an ex-girlfriend. I was stunned. Our sex life didnt come up in the its not you, its me exit interview, but I wondered if he knew it wasnt good for me. His no-longer-ex must have been happy with his style. The fault rested in my lap. Again, something was wrong with me.