Diamond - Trans/love: radical sex, love, and relationships beyond the gender binary

When I became a transman (female-to-male transexual), my frame of reference regarding mutual attraction and having a love life changed drastically. Formerly dyke-identified, as I worked to understand and reformulate my new gender identity I figured I could throw everything I learned about finding sex and love as a woman out the window. Even though I lived in San Francisco, a place seemingly overrun with trans people, I wasnt quite sure who was going to date me. Ultimately, my life would be filled with romance found on city streets, in bars, and through the Internet, with much less struggle than anticipated.

To help paint the picture of how I explored my gender identity within my relationships and sex life, I would like to point out the two women that have made the biggest impact on my life, Kate and Rachel. Without the kindness, openness and trust of these two women I would have struggled much longer to find equilibrium in my body and mind. These two loves were especially poignant during the physical and emotional transition into my own version of manhood. Kate was there in the beginning, as my transition gained traction, meeting me a week after I changed my name to Morty. Rachel was there at the end, when I reached my final destination with acceptance and love for the trans person that I had become.

I met Kate on the streets of San Francisco in the late 90s, a time of dotcom money and a new burgeoning trans community. Be it luck, fate, or whatever brings two people together, this was a match made to last. A pair of Scorpios, eyes shining bright with lust for each other, we rollicked in the streets filling our hearts with all that our young love was about: dancing, drinking, blood, scars, and killer sex. Even though my male identity was only tentatively bubbling forth, it seemed to be the last thing on our minds when we were together. I cannot recall one moment when I had to explain myself or qualify my feelings about who I was becoming. I was simply Morty, her tranny man, and she was my girl, herself a bit skewed from traditional gender norms.

A high femme warrior, always dressed to the nines in high heels and blood red lipstick, Kate exuded strength and humor. When men would mess with her on the street, she would tell the guy to fuck off while laughing right in his face. She taught me the art of holding my own, be it in the streets or at some tedious temp job, she told me to never compromise myself for anyone. And I didnt.

Soothing me with reassuring words, Kate was the woman who held me as I injected my first shot of testosterone. The first six months of being on T were tumultuous. Within the first three months, I was thrust into a second puberty, complete with acne, and a voice that cracked every other sentence. I also experienced head and muscle aches as my body adjusted to the new surge of male hormones in my bloodstream, and during the times I felt like a wreck, Kate put me back together. She soothed my senses when they were frayed and became my cheerleader simply by staying in love with me while I melded myself into the person emerging. I am convinced that Kate ferried me to the other side when I could not do it alone.

Our love was complicate and within the five years we were together many facets of our personalities were revealed, both gorgeous and terrible. The one thing that stayed true was our ability to see beyond gender. Knowing ourselves, it came as no surprise that we had an emotionally intense breakup. I regret very few things in my life but the way the relationship ended tops that short list. Kate will always be the woman that, in my fledgling moments of becoming trans, supported me and allowed my transition to be filled with a glowing, exuberant love.

After Kate, I believed I would never again have such deep love in my life. I just didnt think it was possible for a guy like me, whose trans experience did not follow the normal trajectory. Most trans people I know go on hormones and have surgery as soon as possible. I had waited over a year to begin testosterone and another three years until I decided to complete my transition with a double mastectomy (or chest surgery). Since beginning to identify as transgender I have struggled almost constantly with my gender identity. I will never forget meeting a psychic before I even thought of transitioning who said to me, You know you dont have to choose between being male and female. In that moment I didnt understand what she meant, but years later, I do.