Hart Kevin - I cant make this up: life lessons

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Disclaimer: Im perfect. So if you feel that there are any inaccuracies in the chronology or details of this book, its not because I remembered some things wrong or have a drinking problem. Its because my memory is better than everyone elses, except for the times when it isnt because Im busy looking to the future. All perfect people have this problem. Dont take my word for it: Read all the incredible quotes on the back cover and then take my word for it. Im also a nice person, so I changed some names and identifying details (and created a composite or two) to protect people who are less perfect than me. Thanks for reading the tiny print at the beginning of this book. No one but you looks at these things, you know. Thats because youre perfect too.

P.S. I may or may not have been drinking when I wrote this disclaimer.

Copyright 2017 by Kevin Hart

For photo credits, see .

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Interior design by Laurie Griffin

Jacket design by Albert Tang

Jacket photograph by Martin Schoeller/August

Author photograph by Art Streiber

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBN 978-1-5011-5556-7

ISBN 978-1-5011-5558-1 (ebook)

T o my mom, my rock, my angel.

I am who I am because of you. My commitment to my craft and to becoming the best version of myself is all because of you. The lessons that youve given me are beyond priceless.

For that, I thank you.

Let him who would move the world first move himself.

Socrates

A sliding board cant be slid on if you aint got on the right pants.

Chocolate Droppa

T his introduction is mandatory.

That means you have to read it.

You cant just skip ahead to the sex scenes.

Because in order to get the most out of this book, there are three important words youre going to need to know and understand.

The first word is: Huh?

Its pronounced short and sharp, as if someone just hit you in the stomach. Typically, its spoken while pulling your neck back, raising your eyebrows, and quickly scanning the room to make sure everything looks normal and youre not in some weird-ass dream.

The dictionary definition of the word is: Did you just say what I think you said? Because it literally makes no sense and my mind cant process it right now, so Im going to have to ask you to repeat it. Its the kind of thing you might say when your dad comes home bleeding and tells you that someone hacked him up with an axe.

(This really happened, people. I cant make this up.)

The second word is: What?

This is pronounced with a silent t, and it generally follows a few seconds after a Huh. Its spoken with your mouth contorted into a look of disgust and your forehead creased, while looking at someone like theyre batshit crazy.

It is short for: What the hell did you just say? Because I only asked you to repeat the crazy shit you just said, and now youre adding some even crazier shit on top of it. My ears cant believe what theyre hearing right now.

Its the kind of thing you might say when your dad, whose head is busted open and wrapped in a blood-soaked towel, assures you that hes fine and doesnt need to go to the hospital and just wants to lie down for a little bit.

The third word is: Okay.

Its spoken with a shoulder shrug, a side-to-side shake of the head, and a roll of the eyes. It means: I cant even begin to fathom your reality, but Ive decided to just accept it and move on.

Its what you say when a Huh and a What have gotten you nowhere, and youre starting to think that maybe you actually are stuck in a dream and shouldnt eat pizza before bedtime anymore. Like when your dad tells you that the reason someone hacked him up with an axe was because he was jealous of his skills as a refrigerator repairman.

This all may seem unbelievable to anyone who hasnt met my father, but this is the honest-to-God truth. In life, you can choose to cry about the bullshit that happens to you or you can choose to laugh about it.

I chose laughter.

These are the stories behind the jokes, and a few lessons Ive figured out about life, success, family, and relationships along the way.

Actually, Im still working on the relationships part, but the rest I got down.

Dont do what I do, do what I would tell you to do if I wasnt doing the stupid stuff I did.

Visiting Dad in prison with my older brother

1

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BIRTH OF A SEX SYMBOL

M y life began with one of the biggest lies men tell women:

Ill pull out, I promise.

Those were the words that turned into me.

Of course, my dad had no intention of pulling out. He wasnt planning on knocking up my mom either. He just never learns from his mistakes.

The first mistake happened eight years earlier. His name was Robert Kenneth, my older brother. Our parents had just met back then, so Dad was able to get away with bigger lies:

My nuts done got squashed in a bike accident. I cant do nothing with them.

Thats really what he told her. I cant make this up.

When my mother found out she was pregnant, she beat the hell out of my dad.

His other lines were: Im just gonna put it in a little and leave it there. I just wanna be close to you. And then there was the classic, Im just gonna rub you with it. I promise I wont put it in.

Im surprised there are just two of us.

Though if you count all the other women he did this with, there are something like eleven of us with six different women. At least one of them is my age too.

He definitely didnt learn from his mistakes.

---

My mom and dad met when he was working for Bell Telephone and she was a cashier at a Shop N Bag grocery store next door. From the moment he laid eyes on hera fine, petite country girl with big hips, as he put itmy dad started begging her to go on a date. This went on every day for a year.