Krumboltz John D. - Fail fast, fail often: how losing can help you win

There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.

MOTHER TERESA, WINNER OF THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

Why we play as children is not because it is our work or because it is how we learn, though both statements are true; we play because we are wired for joy, it is imperative as human beings.

JOHN THORN, BASEBALL HISTORIAN AND AUTHOR OF BASEBALL IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN: THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE EARLY GAME

Find a place inside where theres joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.

JOSEPH CAMPBELL, AMERICAN MYTHOLOGIST, WRITER, AND LECTURER

A S COUNSELORS, we often talk to people who are dissatisfied and seeking change. Some people want to establish a career that makes them feel more enthusiastic and engaged. Some have creative projects that they wish to pursuewriting a childrens book, starting a leadership workshop, getting their sculptures into a gallery. Some people want to break free from limiting behaviorswatching TV, eating fast food, getting caught up in codependent relationshipsand adopt a more adventurous and spontaneous approach to life. Then there are those who dont have a clear idea of what they want but just feel the need to strike out in new directions and have fresh experiences.

When people are unhappy they tend to fixate on what they feel is wrong with their lives. They think that if they can quit their dead-end job, break off their relationship with their selfish girlfriend or boyfriend, move to a more exciting city, find supportive friends, overcome their bad habits, have a child (or have their current children leave for college), erase their self-doubts, or discover their true calling, then they will be ready to let loose and have fun. You might call this the not yet view of life, as it is based on the assumption that you cant enjoy yourself until you escape your current problems. This view has been encouraged by a legion of therapists and counselors who say that you must overcome your emotional hang-ups and negative thinking before you will be ready for major change.

Below is a list of some common ways we have heard the not yet view of life expressed. Do any of these sound familiar to you?

I will be ready to get going when:

• The economy picks up
• I feel inspired
• Someone tells me the right thing to do
• I have more money in savings
• The kids leave for college
• Things settle down
• I am in a more supportive relationship
• I discover my inner child
• I quit my dead-end job
• I feel more confident
• I forgive and am forgiven
• I finish my project
• My house is cleaned up
• I come up with a plan
• I overcome my limiting beliefs
• I do my taxes
• I am absolutely certain
• I attend a few more workshops
• I get permission
• I am better prepared
• I dont feel so tired

The not yet view is not only wrong, it presents a surefire way to block you from the beneficial effects of happenstance. When you focus on the shortcomings in your life, drag your feet, and belabor your bad habits and neuroses, you see nothing but your own misery. You become blind to opportunities and dont take actions that lead to change. The not yet view also makes change costly and unpleasant. If you think that you need to fix all your problems before you can have fun and try new things, then the preparation becomes so daunting that you dont even want to get started.

We have found that the best way to empower people to transform their lives is not by helping them to resolve their problems, but by encouraging them to pursue what they enjoy. No matter what your circumstances, there are always fun things you can dothere are inspiring people you can meet, curiosities you can pursue, unknown places you can visit, wonders of the world you can appreciate. No matter how trapped you may feel in your current life, there are positive actions you can take and new experiences to be had.