Masterson - Men Are Better Than Women

For every woman who will make herself male will enter the kingdom of heaven.

Jesus Christ, Gospel of Thomas

Female anger is the weather vane of truth.

Dick Masterson

This is Dick Masterson. Welcome to my book, Men Are Better Than Women .

First of all, let me congratulate you. You have taken the first and manliest steps of an unforgettable journey down the road of your own greatness. You may have noticed by now that youre a man. That makes you better than over half the people on earth. Those people are called women. Any women reading this are cautioned to put the book down and walk away. Also, try not to make a big deal out of it like youre some kind of woman Jesus. Jesus was a man, and no matter how outraged you are that the cutest sales guy in the office will only text message you when hes drunk at 3:00 a.m., you cant change that. Try losing a little weight and not acting so desperate. For example: Dont write back.

You women are delicate creatures and dont have the stomachs or the brains to look into the supernova of raw and uncensored man-logic that comprises this book. Your fragile woman-psyches cannot stand the depths of sophomoric intellect this book conjures on every page. Women, feel free to go broaden your horizons with healing crystals, Feng Shui wheels, or any of that other new-age monkey shit. Ever wonder why no one who anyone respectslike your father or Donald Trumpbuys into that crap? Of course you dont, because youre a woman. You dont wonder about anything.

Now that all the women have fucked off, let me truly welcome you men to my book, because youre in for a treat: hours of discovering why having a penis is super awesome, and why having the opposite is super crappy. Im talking about a vagina.

This book is about celebrating what it is to be a man. Its about celebrating our man-horsepower and our resourcefulness. Men are like Smurfs. When we get together in large numbers, we can fuck up Gargamels hundreds of times our size. Gargamels like the Hoover Dam and global warming. Men fix all kinds of shit.

This book is not only an illustration of mans awesomeness in the face of the impossible. It is also about pausing for a man-moment and reflecting on our deep and mature emotional naturean emotional nature which is easily ten times deeper and more mature than that of women.

Men Are Better Than Women is about going out on the hunt and tearing the guts out of things just to see what theyre made of. Its about inventing fire and rocket ships and mechanical Tyrannosaurus Rexes that can crush cars with their jaws. This book is unadulterated truth incarnate, and like a mighty manmother eagle feeding its young, I am about to throw up nutrient-rich knowledge directly into your eyes.

Open wide.

Dick

Since the beginning of time, men have worked their asses off without any expectation of gratitude or accolade. Thats because were men. We worked before we even invented money. Men are driven in a sick way to get the job done at any cost. Its a sickness called competence.

If youve ever had a job, youll have learned two things: Taxes suck (which is no surprise because women invented them), and women cant do anything.

Women fuck everything up. Women are like Febreze Fabric Refresher, except instead of getting out your toughest odors, they accidentally call their ex-boyfriend drunk and then wont stop crying for the rest of the night. Women will even fuck up a visit to a strip club. Thats unfuckupable! A man couldnt fuck that up if he tried.

Women are a blight on the workforce bigger than flu season, Super Bowl sickness, and funny Internet videos combined. I, Dick Masterson, have gone out of my way to catalog the many ways men are better than women in all professions, and I have done so without thought of gratitude or accolade. I did it because, like all men, I, too, suffer from the crippling disease of competence.

DICKS SEVEN DEADLY JOBS A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER EVER HAVE

Ive often said that a penny saved is a woman fired. If you run a business, you know exactly what Im talking about. Women can grind the gross production of a company from a mighty horn of commerce down to a little nub. Thats only money, though. We men can always make more of it, or we can invent some new money maybe, like junk bonds or options or Spanish doubloons that have chocolate in them. The point is, there are some jobs in which women cost more than money. Sometimes, they cost lives.

I present my list of Seven Deadly Jobs a Woman Should Never Ever Have. If you or someone you know can put a stop to hiring women in any of these vocational fields, go ahead and throw your manly weight around.

1. Attorney

There was a time when lawyers were not hated like vermin. Do you know what happened between then and now? Women joined the practice of law.

In 1970, women made up 10 percent of first-year law students. Those were probably the lesbians of the day. Lesbians are all faking it, by the way; thats why its in quotations. Actually, those 10 percent were more likely the daughters of smart, rich men who wanted to secure smart, rich husbands for their little princesses, so lets forget about lesbians for the moment; the rest of the world certainly has.

Lawyers werent hated in the decades past. Remember Night Court ? That show was full of lawyers, and everyone loved it. Today, women have bumblefucked their way into 44 percent of first-year law students, and guess what? Now everyone fucking hates lawyers.

Women have an aura of ruination about them. The French probably have a cool word for it, but I dont know French because Im a man. Perhaps it has something to do with their two half-retarded X chromosomes. If youve ever tried to force two similarly charged magnets together, you know that it doesnt work.

Imagine a woman. Whats she doing? Is she marrying someone who gave her gonorrhea? Or is she just still fucking him and keeping a bottle of Suprax under the pillow? Maybe shes convincing her boyfriend not to take an incredible job overseas because she wants to sit around Miami-Dade County, Florida, with her bitch friends and pursue a masters in art history?

The point is, women lawyers are just women in fancy suits with three-year JS degrees in the school of keeping their yaps shut.

Law school is Chinese water torture for women, but instead of water getting dropped in one spot for three years, women are just made to look like the dumbest imbeciles on earth every time they open their mouths. Its mouth-shutting training, and I recommend that all women go to law school. But for fucks sake, dont let them practice law.