Recorded Books Inc. - Dragonslippers: This Is What An Abusive Relationship Looks Like

Originally published by Penguin Canada in 2005 Printed in the United States of America FIRST AMERICAN EDITION Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Penfold, Rosalind B.
Dragonslippers : this is what an abusive relationship looks like /
by Rosalind B. Penfold.
p. cm.
ebook ISBN-13: 978-0-8021-9939-3
1. Abused wivesUnited StatesPsychology. 2. 3. 3.

Man-woman relationshipsUnited States. I. Title.
HV6626.2.P46 2005
616.85822dc22 2005057169 Black Cat
a paperback original imprint of Grove/Atlantic, Inc.
841 Broadway
New York, NY 10003 DISTRIBUTED BY PUBLISHERS GROUP WEST www.groveatlantic.com This Is What an
Abusive Relationship
Looks Like Getting In
THE HONEYMOON. Getting Lost
JEKYLL & HYDE. Getting Hurt
HOLDING ON. Getting Out
LETTING GO.

Coming Home
FINDING MYSELF. Epilogue 5
YEARS LATER.

I spent all of my time trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and how I could make things better. I COULDNT ALWAYS REMEMBER the abuse. There was NO PREDICTABLE PATTERN, and it seemed like my brain erased each instancebecause it didnt fit in with my hopes. I didnt want to let go of the relationshipI JUST WANTED BRIANS BEHAVIOR TO CHANGE. I thought of myself as strong, but in this relationship I became so deeply confused that I BEGAN TO LOSE ALL SENSE OF MYSELF. People in abusive relationships often mistake intensity for intimacy. It feels intimate because it is SO PERSONAL, but intimacy requires trustand there is no trust in an abusive relationship. The pattern feels like this: KISS! SLAP! KISS! SLAP! KISS! SLAP! For every slap we receive a kiss, and for every kiss we receive a slap. Which do we want to believe? The kiss, of course.

It is WHAT KEEPS US THERE. During the 10 years I stayed, I kept wishing there were cameras on the ceiling. I kept a diary, but WHEN WORDS FAILED ME, I DREW PICTURES. I remember thinking, Maybe my brain just isnt processing this yet Maybe if I look at the pictures later, then things will make sense. But things never did, and I simply hid the pictures in a box in the basement. WHY DID BRIAN BEHAVE THE WAY HE DID? I almost died trying to figure that out. Why did I stay? Its the far better question. And then one day I found MY PICTURES. My brain could rationalize and deny, but my art went straight to the truth. And then one day I found MY PICTURES. My brain could rationalize and deny, but my art went straight to the truth.

I finally saw that the MOST SHOCKING TRUTH OF ALL WAS NOT HIS BEHAVIOR, BUT MY OWNbecause I had stayed and allowed this damage to myself. I KNEW I HAD TO GET OUT TO PROTECT MYSELF.ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY EMPOWERED ME. It was not easy to let go, and I had many false starts. I never intended these drawings for publication. Sharing ones personal diary is not easyand, at first, I felt shame. Then I decided that SHAME WAS THE ENEMY. I began to hope that my drawings could help otherseven one otherto see what terrible, long-lasting DAMAGE SUCH AN ENVIRONMENT CREATES for a family. C.S. C.S.

Lewis details. If you look closely at the abortion sequence, youll notice that I DREW MVSBLF AS A CHILD of about 6 years old when Im crying with the doctor (my feet dont touch the floor); a pre-adolescent of about 12 in the dressing room; and an adult when Im going home. Even the style of the drawingssome soft, some hard-edgedchanges from frame to frame. All of this was unconscious. Interestingly, WHILE MY DRAWINGS GIVE ME DISTANCE, THEY GIVE STRANGERS A CLOSBR VIEW. They illustrate what I mean when I say that art can deliver the truth. MY HOPE IS THAT MY DRAWINGS WILL HBLP men and women identify the warning signs of abuse. MY HOPE IS THAT MY DRAWINGS WILL HBLP men and women identify the warning signs of abuse.

Until we name them, we cannot recognize them. If we fail to recognize them, we put ourselves at risk. If we give up our personal power in the name of love, WE RISK THE GRADUAL DISINTEGRATION OF OUR SELVES. I acknowledge that not all abusers are men, and not all victims are women, but I can only tell my story from a womans perspective and hope that men will tell their own. I intend never to publicly identify the characters in this bookit would serve no useful purpose. This is the story of a worldwide phenomenon, not any particular person.