Spitznagel Eric - Care to make love in that gross little space between cars?: a Believer book of advice

Mike Sacks is on the editorial staff of VanityFair magazine. His work has appeared in Vanity Fair, The New Yorker, Esquire, GQ, Salon, The New York Times, The Washington Post, McSweeneys, The Believer, Vice, and other publications. Sacks is the author of three books: AndHeres the Kicker: Conversations with21Top Humor Writers on Their Craft; SEX: Our Bodies, Our Junk; and Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason.

Eric Spitznagel is a contributing editor for The Believer magazine, where he cocreated (along with Amy Sedaris) the Sedaratives column. Hes also the author of six books and a frequent contributor to Playboy and Vanity Fair. He has one more testicle than Hitler, which he considers a moral victory.

A VINTAGE BOOKS ORIGINAL, MARCH 2012

Copyright2012by Believer Inc.

All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Vintage Books,
a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and in Canada by
Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.

Vintage and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Many of these selections were first published in The Believer.
All selections are copyright to the contributors.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Care to make love in that gross little space between cars? : a Believer book of advice / with Louis C.K., Amy Sedaris, Zach Galifianakis, Nick Hornby, Weird Al & many more; introductions by Judd Apatow and Patton Oswalt; edited by Mike Sacks and Eric Spitznagel.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-94766-6
1. American wit and humor. 2. Advice columnsHumor. I. Sacks, Mike.
II. Spitznagel, Eric. III. The Believer magazine.
PN6165.C357 2012
814.54dc23
2011045561

www.vintagebooks.com

Cover design by Christopher King

v3.1

Dear Judd Apatow:

Were thinking about publishing a sequel to Youre a Horrible Person, But I Like You. Itd be more or less the same thing as the first book, except with mostly different people, and different questions. Are we being redundant?

Thanks,
The Believer magazine
San Francisco, CA

Dear The Believer:

I really dont know how to answer that question. There is a larger issue, which is: Why am I writing the intro to this book at all?

This is a mistake I keep making, saying yes to things for no apparent reason. I dont know if it is because I get insecure or I need an ego stroke, but I keep finding myself in the same position, stuck with something I dont want to do but said yes to because someone did a good job kissing my ass.

I dont even understand what you want. Am I supposed to write something logical, or absurd? I have no idea.

I dont even know if this book is for charity or if someone is going to make a shitload of money off it. I kind of always assumed it benefited some charity, but I dont think that is correct. I also have the vague notion that the entire publishing empire thats releasing it is a nonprofit, but I have no proof and am probably wrong about that. Or I am right.

One thing I do know is I get paid very well for my time and money and I am getting paid zero dollars to write this and that makes no sense at all.

I cant even remember who asked me to do it. Probably someone who seemed smart and who made me feel like less of a dick-joke-writing idiot by asking, and I got all excited for all of five minutes till I realized it actually required real work.

I wouldnt be writing this at all if Paul Rudd wasnt ten minutes late to our meeting. If hed been on time, today would have been the day I worked up the nerve to bail on this assignment so they could go manipulate some other insecure Jewish man into doing it.

Why not ask a non-Jew? Why not ask a woman? An African American? Someone from South America? Arent people ready for some new flavors of comedy at this point? I know I am. I might move to Nicaragua for a year or two just to come up with a new comedic angle thats not based on my Jewish mothers influence and child rearing. Maybe if I started a junta I could write a fresh joke. What is a junta? I need to find out.

Where the hell is Paul Rudd? He is always late. He was never late when his career wasnt going well, but ever since I Love You, Man he could give a fuck about wasting my time.

Oh, there he is. Hey, Paul! You look good. I like the beard.

Judd

Dear Patton:

So listen, were doing this book of advice and we asked Judd Apatow to write the intro, and it didnt really work out. We dont want to get into it, but it has something to do with Paul Rudds career going well. Anyway, is there a chance you might like to take a crack at it? The introduction, we mean.

Thanks in advance,
The Believer magazine
San Francisco, CA

Dear The Believer magazine:

Wait, so Judd Heavyweights Apatow is too busy to finish his introduction and so you figured, Oh, lets get Patton Basic Cable Day Player Oswalt to pick up the slack? I will bet money you used that exact phrase because I really like losing money.

I mean, how busy can I possibly be, right?

Quite to nearly very, as it turns out! So I hope your readers appreciate the projects Ive back-burnered so that there can be a full introduction to this book. And as you read this book, think for a moment about the:

Unalphabetized Travis McGee books on my shelf

Overflowing trash can in my kitchen

Unwatched (and thus undeleted) episodes of Justified on my DVR

Not uneaten Rye Krisps, consumed due to the stress of having to write this

Now I will end this introduction early to make it further appear I am busy, just like Judd.

See? Im making it in Hollywood!

Patton

Dear Kristen:

Are lighthouses still used for what they were meant for or are they just the nations decorative knickknacks on our coastlines?

Cameren Cousins
Herndon, VA

Dear Cameren:

I wish they were as useless as giant beautiful plastic flamingos covered in reflector tape. But unfortunately, their importance has magnified in these modern times. Apart from warning boats, canoes, and cross-ocean swimmers of impending land, they serve another function: bringing whale crime to light. Whales have taken their cue from the Somali pirates and have begun to rapidly create havoc in our peaceful seas. Stealing from ghost pirate ships, tagging reefs, and, more recently, abducting dolphin babies and selling them to infertile manatees. They do their dirty work at night and the lighthouses have been working overtime, combing the waters with their revealing beams after the alarm has been sounded by whatever sea creature can make the walk on land. Usually tattletale crabs.