Logan Ury - How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

Simon & Schuster

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Copyright 2021 by Logan Ury

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First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition February 2021

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Interior design by Carly Loman

Jacket design by Michael Nagin

Jacket photograph by Aliaksandr Barysenka/Eyeem/Getty Images

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBN 978-1-9821-2062-7

ISBN 978-1-9821-2064-1 (ebook)

To Scott, the best decision I ever made.

And to my parents, whose love and support made everything possible.

When it comes to academic research, heres the bad news: Most studies to date focused primarily on cis heterosexual couples. Fortunately, when researchers have studied LGBTQ+ relationships, theyve found they share many of the same problemsand benefit from much of the same advicecovered in the existing research.

In writing this book, I interviewed people across the range of sexual orientations and identities. I wanted to share LGBTQ+ love stories and dating experiences. All of the stories in this book are true, although some of the characters are composites of several individuals. Names and identifying characteristics have been changed and dialogue has been re-created.

After completing this manuscript I took a job as the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge. This role allows me to help millions of people learn how to date more effectively. All of the research and opinions in this book are completely my own.

You might think you shouldnt have to buy a book on love. Love is something effortless, natural, organic. You fall in love, you dont think your way into it. Its a spontaneous chemical reaction, not a calculated decision.

And yet here you are. Holding this book because you want to find love, and so far it hasnt worked out for you. Heres the truth: While love may be a natural instinct, dating isnt. Were not born knowing how to choose the right partner.

And if we were, I wouldnt have a job. Im a dating coach and matchmaker. I studied psychology at Harvard and have spent years researching human behavior and relationships. This work has led me to Intentional Love, my philosophy for creating healthy relationships. Intentional Love asks you to view your love life as a series of choices rather than accidents. This book is about being informed and purposefulin acknowledging your bad habits, adjusting your dating techniques, and approaching crucial relationship conversations.

Great relationships are built, not discovered. A lasting relationship doesnt just happen. It is the culmination of a series of decisions, including when to get out there, whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, when to settle down with the right one, and everything in between. Make good decisions, and you propel yourself toward a great love story. Make bad ones, and you veer off course, doomed to repeat the same harmful patterns over and over.

But often we dont understand why we make certain decisions, and that leads to mistakes. And those mistakes thwart our quest to find love. Behavioral science can help.

Behavioral science is the study of how we make decisions. It offers a way to peel back the layers of our mind, peek inside, and see why we tend to make certain choices. Spoiler alert: Were irrational. We often make decisions that are not in our own best interest.

This happens in all realms of life. Its why we say we want to save for retirement and then max out our credit cards on decorating our apartments. Or tell ourselves well exercise more, then use our treadmill as a clothing rack. No matter how often and or how earnestly we set goals, we get in our own way.

Fortunately, this irrationality isnt random. Our brains lead us astray in predictable ways. Behavioral scientists use that knowledge to help people change their behavior, with the goal of making them happier, healthier, and wealthier.

In fact, for a while I took my knowledge of behavioral science and applied it at Google. I teamed up with behavioral science great Dan Ariely to run a group at Google called the Irrational Lab, a nod to his book Predictably Irrational. And while I loved working with Dan and the Irrational Lab team, studying human behavior and running experiments, I had other concerns on my mind. I was single and in my early twenties. I was struggling with one of lifes most essential and common questionshow do we find and sustain love?

Ive long been interested in studying dating, relationships, and sex. In college I studied the porn-watching habits of Harvard undergraduates for a paper I wrote called Porn to Be Wild. (Hint: Harvard students watch lots of porn.) For my first job at Googleyears before I ran the Irrational LabI managed the Google Ads accounts for porn and sex toy clients, including Bangbros, Playboy, and Good Vibrations. People referred to our group by its unofficial name: the Porn Pod.

I trace my curiosity about relationships to my own childhood. I had a happy, loving family growing up, but my parents suddenly divorced when I was seventeen. My happily ever after bubble burst, and I no longer took long-term marital success for granted.

At the time, I was single. Dating apps had just come out, and I was spending a lot of time swiping. I saw people all around me were struggling, too. Wed gone from the first iPod (a thousand songs in your pocket) to ubiquitous smartphones with a thousand possible Tinder dates in your pocket. Instead of marrying Bobby or Belinda on our block, we could pick from thousands of singles online.

With that in mind, I launched a side project called Talks at Google: Modern Romance, a speakers series that explored the challenges of modern dating and relationships. I interviewed world-renowned experts about online dating, communication in the digital age, monogamy, empathy, and the secrets to a happy marriage. Within hours, thousands of Googlers joined the Modern Romance email list to receive updates on these talks. Once the interviews went online, millions of viewers watched on YouTube. Clearly, my friends and I were not the only ones struggling.

One night a stranger came up to me and said, I saw your talk on polyamory. I didnt realize that relationships could work like that. It changed my whole world. At that moment I realized the impact of my work. Id found my calling.

But I didnt want to be just another love guru, offering unscientific advice. I thought, What if I take the behavioral science tools I honed at Google and apply them to help people make better decisions in their romantic relationships?