Bettina Arndt - The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles

This isnt a how-to therapy book but a ruthlessly honest, riveting read that, for the first time, lifts the lid on whats really happening sexually with long-term couples. Bettina has asked ordinary couples to open the door to their bedrooms and the result is astonishing. Shes one of the worlds most informed and entertaining sex therapists and The Sex Diaries are as amusing as they are gripping.

Tracey Cox, international author and TV presenter

Its not often that we get an honest peek inside the domestic bedroom, so Bettina Arndts book is an extremely useful gauge for couples who wrestle with conflicting sexual appetites and it illustrates the need for more warmth, openness and generosity if good, life-affirming sex is to survive in long term relationships.

Suzi Godson, The Times sex and relationships columnist and author of The Sex Book

While you may not agree with her solutions, Bettinas call for more generosity and mutual caring in the bedroom has struck a deep chord with readers. Sex should be a happy thing, and the gulf war needs to be overcome.

Steve Biddulph, author of Manhood and Raising Boys

An Hachette UK Company

www.hachette.co.uk

First published in 2009 by Melbourne University Press First published in Great Britain in 2009 by

Hamlyn, a division of Octopus Publishing Group Ltd Endeavour House, 189 Shaftesbury Avenue, London, WC2H 8JY

www.octopusbooks.co.uk

This eBook first published in 2010 by Octopus Publishing Group Ltd Text copyright Bettina Arndt, 2009

Design and typography copyright Melbourne University Publishing Limited, 2009

All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Bettina Arndt asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

Every attempt has been made to locate the copyright holders for material quoted in this book. Any person or organisation that may have been overlooked or misattributed may contact the publisher.

ISBN 978-0-60062-231-4

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library This eBook produced by Textech

Table of Contents

Bettina Arndt is a clinical psychologist, leading sex therapist and social commentator. As editor of the influential Forum magazine, she spent ten years talking about sex on television and radio, then writing about broader social issues for leading newspapers and magazines. She is the bestselling author of Private Lives, All About Us and Taking Sides

To my wonderful diarists, my heartfelt thanks for having the courage to share with me the most intimate details of your daily lives. You were all so amazing, writing with such honesty and openness about your feelings and letting me in on so many of your secrets. I loved being part of your lives for the months you were all writing for me, talking to many of you on the phone and even meeting up with a few of you. Every morning I would rush to my email to see what had happened the night before, knowing there would always be someone who stayed up until the wee small hours to write to me or crept out of bed first thing in the morning to fill me in on what was happening. It was particularly exciting to see so many couples begin to talk to each other more openly and watch some of the anger and tension disappear. Many of you have told me that you gained from the experiencewhich is really exciting. But through your willingness to share your stories, many others may learn to handle these delicate negotiations just that much more easily.

There were many people who helped make this book happen. Michael Frankel, Morris Averill and Oliver Freeman were invaluable in helping me find the right publisherMelbourne University Press. And the very professional team at MUP has made this book a remarkably easy process. It was so heartening to have the indefatigable Louise Adler throwing her support behind the book, while my publisher, Elisa Berg, nursed the project through to its fruition, offering endless sound advice and professional support. Thanks must also go to others in the MUP team: Cinzia Cavallaro, Jacqui Gray, Terri King and Dina Kluska. The ever-patient Paul Smitz dealt with the onerous tasks of correcting my punctuation and picking up glitches in my sometimes slapdash grammar and idiosyncratic expression.

My research assistant, Carrie Lumby, was a great help in helping me prepare for the project, setting up the database and computer system required to coordinate the vast quantities of diary material that flooded in each day. She was a delight to work with, endlessly cheerful, smart, insightful and as fascinated by the intricacies of sexual relations as I amthe perfect assistant for this very special project.

Many experts devoted valuable time to helping me get things right, like Juliet Richters from the University of New South Wales, Gemma OBrien from the University of New England and the ever-generous Rosie King, who made numerous corrections and offered enthusiastic support for the project.

Then there were my extraordinary friends. Some were even willing to do diaries for me and participated in the trial run that led to the final project. Its bad enough writing about such things for a total stranger, but for my friends to do it was a rare act of daring and kindness. I am most grateful. There were many others, like my dear friend Judy Black and my surrogate mother, Enid Barnes, who were both always there, making the right encouraging noises. I was especially lucky to have as my sounding board the witty, razor-sharp Kate Legge, a successful fellow author who was the perfect person to critique early drafts and offer solace in dark moments. And it was her husband, Greg Hywoodone of the most emotionally intelligent men I knowwho came up with the idea of a book exploring the gender gap over the sex supply.

For my children, it wasnt easy. They put up with their distracted mother brooding over her all-consuming project and suffered through embarrassing teasing from their friends, who delighted in asking her to tell all. My younger son, Cameron, had the worst of it, as the only child still living at home. But he dealt with even the most blush-inducing revelations at the Arndt dinner table with his usual charm and good humour. Thanks must also go to very special men in my life, past and present, who have taught me what it is all about.

There is a wonderful scene in the movie Annie Hall in which the camera switches between Woody Allen in his psychiatrists office and his lover, Diane Keaton, in hers. They are each asked how often they have sex.

Hardly ever, Allen says plaintively. Maybe three times a week.

Constantly, Keaton groans. Id say three times a week.

Thats the scene that everyone remembers even thirty years after the movie was released. It touches on a great truth about relationshipsthat after the first lusty years are over, most men want more sex than their female partners. Of course, its not always the case. There are passionate women who never lose interest and some men who do. But if we walked through the streets of Australia asking whos not getting enough, thered be ever so many more male hands than female hands waving in the air.

In 2006, the BBC reported: A womans sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship. Researchers from Germany found four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex.chemistry? Is it part of an evolutionary legacy? Whats the role of the psyche in all of this? But theres no doubt it happens, and everyone knows it. It has entered our marital folklore and become an accepted part of our personal dynamics. Hang around a pub for long enough and youll hear the jokes about the falloutthe sexually starved men. Like the story of the cow from Woy Woy.