Amy Krouse Rosenthal - Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life, Volume One

Copyright 2005 by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by Crown Publishers, New York, New York.

Member of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.

www.crownpublishing.com

CROWN is a trademark and the Crown colophon is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc.

Not responsible for lost or stolen property.

Not responsible for the weather, the moon, or scalding nature of soup.

Not responsible for the extra s some people add to the word occasion.

Not responsible for the short, edible window between the banana is not ripe enough and the banana is rotten.

See for permissions credits.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Rosenthal, Amy Krouse.

Encyclopedia of an ordinary life : volume one / Amy Krouse Rosenthal.1st ed.

1. Rosenthal, Amy Krouse. 2. WomenUnited StatesBiography. I. Title.

CT275.R7855A3 2004

973.9310207dc22 2004011332

eISBN: 978-0-307-42065-7

Not responsible for the lovely ladybug
or purple iris
or flirtatious glance
that was yours to enjoy
but which you did not notice.

Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life was written in Chicago at

Julius Meinl Coffeehouse and Katerinas Caf.

v3.1_r1

You agree not to reproduce, replicate, or reprint any of the material in this book without our consent. When reading this book, you agree to give it your undivided attentionthat means no pretend half-reading while calling and placing an order for Thai takeout. At the end of each page, you agree to thrust your arms upward and emit a loud, staccato Hey! just like circus performers do at the end of each stunt. You agree that, on any given weekend, there are way too many mattress sales. You agree that while black is technically the absence of color, it makes more sense for it to be all the colors combined, and, likewise, that white should be the peaceful, blank absence of color. As for nonfiction and fiction, you agree those should be switched as well; nonfiction should be the non-true one, and fiction, true. You obviously also agree that playwright should be spelled playwrite. You agree that, yes, it is astounding, the human ability to eat at seemingly inappropriate times, like after a funeral, or at a charity luncheon featuring a Holocaust survivor flown in from Amsterdam. You agree to refrain from complaining on Monday about it being Monday, and acknowledging on Thursday that it is almost Friday. You agree to see for yourself just how perfectly this book cues up with Pink Floyds Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz. You agreebecause it is just so sad and ridiculousto refrain from talking on your cell phone while working out at your health club or walking your child into school. You agree to provide us with your Visa number (please include expiration date) and approval to spend up to five hundred dollars on merchandise from the current Anthropologie catalog. You secretly admit that, yeah, your favorite word is your own namedont worry, thats normal; studies have shown that there is an actual physiological response upon hearing your name, that hearing your name releases some sort of happy hormone. This makes sense: Remember when you were a kid and they did roll call? Didnt you feel good when they got to your name? Ava? Here! And even now, when you pass someone in the hall at work, dont you feel a certain tingle when the colleague says, Hi, Ava, instead of just Hi? You agree that, yes, we all suffer, perhaps even daily and deeply, but who wants to hear it? You agree that some women look sophisticated wearing a shawl, others foolish.

Yes, I agree to these terms.

I was not abused, abandoned, or locked up as a child. My parents were not alcoholics, nor were they ever divorced or dead. We did not live in poverty, or in misery, or in an exotic country. I am not a misunderstood genius, a former child celebrity, or the child of a celebrity. I am not a drug addict, sex addict, food addict, or recovered anything. If I indeed had a past life, I have no recollection of who I was.

I have not survived against all odds.

I have not lived to tell.

I have not witnessed the extraordinary.

This is my story.

A MY K ROUSE R OSENTHAL , age 39
Chicago
June 2004

The action all takes place in America at the end of the twentieth century, beginning of the twenty-first.

I would like to thank you for reading this book.

Publishers Note
We invite you to add your name
to the list of people who have
ever read this book and who were
personally thanked (by e-mail) by
the author. Click on Thank You at
encyclopediaofanordinarylife.com.

World Population

6.16 billion

Top CNN Stories 20002005

September 11

Dot-com bubble burst

Enron scandal

Iraq War

Clinton and Lewinsky

Harry Potter

Atkins/Low-Carb

Gay Marriage

Countries in Power

United States

China

Russia

England

Germany

Japan

To Whom Americans Attribute Power

Movie stars

Rock stars

Sports stars

Rich people

Major political figures

Cost of Living Averages

Confirmed Planets

Mercury

Venus

Earth

Mars

Jupiter

Saturn

Uranus

Neptune

Pluto

Highest-Rated Television Shows

Super Bowl

World Series

NBA Championship

Academy Awards

The Sopranos

American Idol

Reality-television shows

What We Call the Other Driver When Angry

Bitch

Asshole

Fucking bitch