Maggie Griffin - Tip It!

O h gosh, where do I begin?

The first thing you should know, readers, is that I dont really like to watch myself on my daughter Kathys television show. I think I look different than I really look. My voice sounds different than I think it does. Seeing myself on television makes me hate the sound of my voice. I think I look and sound dumb.

Really, I think I look and sound crappy!

But then my friends or my kids tell me, Well, thats you.

I know they dont mean the crappy part. Im pretty sure what they mean is, I come off natural on television. Well, Ive always had a good rapport with my youngest, my daughter Kathleen. Ive certainly always felt natural with Kathy. At ease. But as you all may know, she loves saying things on television she knows I dont want to talk about. Certain things she does to provoke me, I could kill her for. And all that foul language! Christ. But I do the best I can. I go along with it. When you see me on My Life on the D-List, look at my body language, look how I sort of pull my arms and legs in close, getting ready for whatever she might say next; it must look like Im warding off some impending storm when Im on camera with her.

As long as Ive watched her do stand-up, that moment has always come. She starts with, Oh, Ive got something to tell you about Maggie... and its all I can do not to try and figure out what it could possibly be shes going to tell about.

Usually all I can come up with is, Oh my GOD, now what??

I love Kathy, but Im totally unlike her in many ways. First of all, I hate controversy. Hate it. I hate to hurt anyones feelings. And I really like people. Mostly, I just like them to like me.

But when you watch Kathy imitate me in her actall the swear words, the tough-sounding voice, and the complainingeven I get to thinking, Gee, that Maggie really is a hard old dame! Sometimes its fun to play along. Some nice young kids recognized me recently, and they asked if they could take a picture of me. I said Sure, and then they wanted to know if Id flip them off for the camera. So I stuck my middle finger right out there and smiled. Well, why not? Maybe its fun to have people think of ordinary wife and mom Maggie Griffin as being a little naughty once in a while!

People are generally really nice to me when they meet me out and about. Theyll say, I wish I had a mom like you! Or Youre just like my mom! And I think I know why. Im a regular mom. Im not a mother who pampers Kathy and caters to her. I love my daughter, and Im immensely supportive of her, but hey, I tell her off. I know how to give her the business. I put her down. Not in a bad way, and I dont mean putting her down like a sick animal. Thats a different kind of putting down. Again, I dont like to hurt peoples feelings, but Ill say what needs to be said. That was TERRIBLE, Kathy! Or I dont like that part! Or Enough already with the bad language.

Christ, that foul mouth gets old, Kathy.

Other times, when people on the street meet me, they refer to your show. I may correct themOh, its not my showbut Ill be a little devilish about it later and goad Kathy by telling her what they said. Since when did it become My Life with Maggie Griffin? Kathy will say, and that makes me smile.

I get the whole thing about her giving me a hard time. Her goal is to provoke me, to confuse me, to rattle me, and lets face it, probably to make me look stupid. Then everybody laughs. Its very natural, what she and I do. Kathy doesnt make me mad, though, because I know why shes asking me those things. Shes a comediana wonderful one, if I do say so myselfand if all I have to do is answer her the way I feel like answering her, and its apparently funny, then fine.

My daughter Kathleen put out her memoir last year, Official Book Club Selection , which was real nice except for the controversial parts. But now I have a book. Its my turn, Kathy. I have some things to say, too, without having to be all controversial like you were. I have things to say about you. About me. About you about me. About where I came from. About the way the world has changed. About being a mom. About Hollywood. About wine. About my gays. About my dear departed husband, John Patrick Griffin. About how disgraceful childrens clothes are these days. About how wonderful Bill OReilly is. Thats right, Kathy. Bill OReilly . My boyfriend, as you call him. He made you Pinhead of the Week once.

He got no argument from me.

In fact, he got a Tip it!

Hey everyone,

Maybe, like you, I picked up my moms book hoping to find out how to be a tough, happy nonagenarian, for Chrissakes. Frankly, I also wanted to learn how she ended up getting a stronger gay fan base than I have.

But Ive noticed that certain passages arehow shall I put this?not entirely forthcoming about our relationship. Where I see my mother as a spotlight-hogging, wine-tipping muumuu wearer with a sailors mouth, she sees herself as a good Catholic girl who through no fault of her own raised a potty-mouthed, trash-talking comedian whos shamed the family. This is the eternal struggle of our relationship, andIm guessingisnt unlike a lot of mother-daughter relationships. And I guess when you get your own memoir, youre allowed to write what you want about yourself, and leave out the inconvenient parts, which I did not do in Official Book Club Selection, now available in paperback everywhere.

But since shes my momand since I know shes not going to reread her manuscript because shed rather be watching Judge Judy or tippin itan opportunity arose for me to take a pen and add my two cents worth without her ever noticing.

So I did.

Which means throughout this book, Ive done only what I had to do as a concerned teller of dick jokes: crash the party, with my own inconvenient comments and observations. In some places I confront my mother outright. Think of me as Judge Judy when she has to get the truth out of a reluctant layabout. Or Nancy Grace when someone isnt paying enough attention to her twins.

There are plenty of sweet moments that need nothing from me, but other parts are just too crazy-soundingI had to intervene.

So to use one of Maggies favorite turns of phrase, Ill speak to you further!

XXOO
Kathy

M uumuu, duster, housedress, apron, caftan, smock, Mother Hubbard dress... Whatever you want to call it, I like to wear it. So sue me. [ Okay then, but the stretched-out Sears & Roebuck 1978 girdle underneath becomes Exhibit A. ] Theyre so darned comfortable and convenient [ so embarrassing when Mom swears like that ], no matter what Kathy says. Even back in my prime mothering days when women started to wear jeans and sweatshirts or T-shirts as their at-home clothing, I stuck with my dusterswhich is what I always called thembecause they were real handy. Im not so modern, I guess, which is probably why my kids tease me about muumuus. [ So glad my mom wasnt one of those whore-moms who wore jeans .]

When I was a kid, my mother wore a fresh pullover apron every day that was really like a dress. Sometimes shed then put on another apron over that, the kind you tie in back. As I got older, though, you started to see aprons with snaps down the front, or zippers, that were easy to pull on, easy to pull off [ where is this going, Mom? ], and at the end of the day you could just throw it in the laundry. The name duster, which is what I grew up with, says it all. You wore them while you did your dusting and other housework. [ Whew. ]

Lets face it, a woman needed something in between pajamas and dressy clothes if she was housebound but faced with the possibility of visitors at any moment. If a traveling salesman came to the door and you were wearing pajamas, thatd be far from nice. Not only would you be ill at ease, you might give a stranger unnecessary thoughts about you in the bedroom. [ Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought this could happen to my mom... ] Well, theres nothing seductive about a duster. Its loose-fitting, presentable, and makes you look relaxed (even if youve just been on your hands and knees scrubbing away at a stain thanks to one of your damn kids).