Gwen Petersen - How to Shovel Manure and Other Life Lessons for the Country Woman

*Including essential Country Woman recipes

Gwen Petersen

To all ranch and farm women and men who work the soil to feed and clothe our nation. To all my wild woman and cowgal pals you know who you are. And to my beloved horses.

Spring: That time of year when the earth thaws and releases the frozen moisture, creating a thick, dark gumbo usually tracked across the kitchen floor in artful patterns. The last of the hay for feeding the cows is running low and your man is worried for fear hell be forced to buy more. He worries EVERY year.

Wherein one learns about the midnight duties required of a good Country Woman, and how to serve as midwife at the birth of a calf.

Wherein one learns about chicken manure, chicken-house cleaning, egg gathering, setting hens, butchering roosters, chicken plucking, and chick hatching.

Wherein one learns that pigs require tender loving care and that it is the sympathetic Country Woman who can soothe a troubled sow. Pig care is considered a Womanly Art.

Wherein one learns how to cope with mud, tired husbands, and emergency breakdowns of equipment. One also learns instant weather appraisal and how to talk weather.

Wherein one learns that water must be managed and controlled. The good Country Woman learns to help tear out beaver dams, pick rocks, and ignore black moods of the damp Country Man. Wherein one also learns about toting irrigation pipe and that a sprinkler system wants to hurt you.

Wherein one learns that the vagaries and varieties so richly dispersed among humans abound ten-fold in hired men and/or couples.

Wherein one works like a fiend after coaxing husband (diplomatically) to plow. One plants rows and rows of potential foodstuff and resolves NEVER to let one tiny, miniscule weed mar the perfection.

Wherein one learns that operating the manure spreader and harrowing the cow pies are two country chores the Country Man ACTUALLY believes youre smart enough to do.

Wherein one learns how to become an instant expert at all country chores. One learns to accept second place to any country critters having four legs and a tail.

Wherein one learns how to deal with tally sheets, vaccine guns, and Mountain Oysters (or Prairie Nuggets, depending on where you live).

Summer: That time of year when one is impossibly busy. The ranch or farm bursts with life, and company from the City descends in voracious hordes.

Wherein one learns what it is to cope with hired irrigators, husbands who work dawn till dark, and what potions and lotions to apply to cracked feet and blistered hands. One also learns about irrigating boots and how to reply to those dudes who want to know if youre goin fishin. And wherein one also learns how to hold the irrigating shovel.

Wherein one learns to accept as normal the preparation and serving of mountains of food to hay crews and how to haul a snack to the fields, plus complete advice on operating the tractor, the swather, the baler, and the mower and make it appear that you know what youre doing. One also learns that some new-fangled farm machines have enclosed, air-conditioned cabs, TV, radio, and more floor space than your entire house.

Wherein one learns the fine art of driving a tractor, baler, or swather while wearing as little as possible under a blistering sun, and wherein one also learns passersby are highly entertained even if youre neither young nor nubile.

Wherein one learns that you, as an incompetent Instant Hired Hand, can lose a calf, but it takes an Experienced Cowman to lose a bull. One also receives lessons in correct vocabulary to employ while on a cattle drive as well as the reason for starting the drive before dawn.

Wherein one learns how to haul a sick critter to the vet. One also learns what to do while the veterinarian delivers a calf by Caesarean section.

Wherein one learns to name weeds by their Anglo-Saxon subtitles. One also learns the true aggressive nature of peas, beans, and all those other garden vegetables. Advice offered on how to Tom Sawyer the cucumbers and zucchini.

Wherein one learns that the beasts of nature are not on your side. One also learns how to get rid of magpies,coons, coyotes, foxes, and egg-sucking cats.

Wherein one learns that otherwise polite friends who live in the City tend to look upon you, the Country Woman, as recreation leader for THEIR vacations. One learns some methods of ridding oneself of unwelcome visitors.

Wherein one learns that Mother Nature can overwhelm. One also learns that frontier life without electricity and freezers must have been doggoned challenging.

Wherein one learns the correct method of country tippling and how to dance country style.

Fall: A gorgeous and beautiful time of year when you cant believe summer is over. The critters grow lots of hair and a great deal of energy is spent discussing MARKET PRICES.

Wherein one again becomes an instant cowpoke. One also learns that the stockyards are a mans world and, after an hour, remarkably boring.

Wherein one learns how to operate the chain saw, throw wood, stack wood, dump wood, and rick wood into neat piles. One also learns how to get the wood hauled from woodpile to stoves.

Wherein one learns the important step-by-step method of efficacious shoveling of pig manure.

Wherein one learns how to open and close normal gates as well as husband gates.

Wherein one learns how to cope with those odd creatureshunters. One learns what to tell them and what not to tell them. One also learns the correct method for helping husband butcher game meat.

Winter: That time of year when one huddles a lot. Mornings are a misery if your sheepskin slippers have disappeared. And if the pipes have frozen in the night, that trip to the outhouse is pure agony.

Wherein one learns to drive the tractor or the pickup at a snails pace while your man throws bales to the cattle. One also learns how to throw the bales when husband throws his back out again.

Wherein one learns how the layered look is achieved for different temperatures.

Wherein one learns to be grateful for all that stuff one canned and froze. One learns how to shortcut and come out smelling like a gourmet.

Wherein one learns how to cope with the planned chaos of the annual school Christmas program.

Wherein one learns that vast numbers of women wear makeup, fancy dresses, and high heels EVERY BLESSED DAY. And wherein you wonder how those women would look wearing false eyelashes while feeding pigs in a blizzard.

Wherein one learns how to talk about hard winters, discuss how long the feed will hold out, and plan what to do to avoid winter doldrums.

Wherein one learns what to do as a ewe midwife.

Woman Activity includes all those community activities you do that you dont have time for but squeeze in anyhow. Woman Work includes all those household duties and nasty maintenance chores, cleanup jobs, and eye-straining secretarial and bookkeeping tasks your man lets you do.

Wherein one learns that sleep is a forbidden luxury.

Wherein one learns that coffee and cookies are a country staple. One also learns country-meal preparation and how to develop certain shortcuts for sanitys sake.