Ian Baker - The Codgers Kama Sutra: Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex But Were Too Tired to Ask

The older male and female of the species share many similar characteristics a head, four limbs and a torso (unless they are the unfortunate victim of a major stairlift collision/pile-up, or have been involved in a domino-match points dispute altercation in which case one or more limbs may be missing). There are, of course, as with younger people, a few obvious differences between the sexes. These differences are very easy to spot on young, nubile and pert bodies, but on the aged, semi-decomposing body of a senior citizen they can often be harder to spot. This is natures way. It is generally deemed not necessary in polite society to notice the body parts of codgers. Take away the floral ankle-length dresses, mustard-coloured cardigans, chest-high trousers, corsets and string vests and what youre left with is:

The naked codger.

Take a look at the diagrams opposite. It isnt pretty! Here we see the male and female codger as Mother Nature intended and nature is cruel. Notice the similarities the limbs, head and torso but look further south and you find the primary and secondary sexual organs, otherwise known as the naughty bits. Every part of the codger cadaver (body) is sacred. Every part is spiritual. Every part is wrinkled! Study the illustrations carefully and you may find similarities with your own body. If you do, you should seek immediate medical attention.

First, lets take a look at the secondary sexual organs. After the ravages of time, these body parts look very similar on both the male and female codger. On a younger specimen, the differences are more apparent, and quite saucy!

But what are the secondary sexual organs of an old-timer? There are two breasts and buttocks. Females start to develop breasts at the onset of puberty, and they remain firm and pert for the next thirty years or so. Males dont develop breasts until much later in life. These manaries are brought on by either old age or an overindulgence of beer and pork pies. The primary difference between the female breast and the man-boob is their function. The womans breast is the provider of food and nutrients for a newborn child. The womans breast is also a visual sign of maturity and sexual attractiveness, and is the plaything of a horny male. Indeed, in western society, the sight of a stonking set of jugs can bring on the familiar mating call from the male, in the form of Phhwwoooaaaaarrrrrr! An attractive female boob is much prized in modern culture. Most of historys great painters and sculptors have tackled the youthful female breast at some point during their career. There is no better excuse for getting a womans kit off than to claim you are an artist.

The man-boob has no function at all. Indeed, these superfluous fatty deposits are generally regarded as a turnoff for women of all ages. There is no sight more horrendous to the eyes than a man-boob wet T-shirt competition.

So what can we say about the buttocks on both the male and the female coffin-dodger? These body parts, at their youthful best, were a prime piece of eye-candy for both sexes. The sight of youth shakin their thang on the dance floor or in hip-hop videos is quite the turn-on for men and women. Firm buttocks are functional, too, as they provide a ledge to keep trousers and skirts where they should be.

Now lets take a look at the codger bottom. See how it has lost all its elasticity? Look at the way it sags and quivers. Look at the dust falling from it. The old backside can no longer function as a protuberance to help keep jeans up (hence the prolific appearance of chest-high waistbands on oldie trousers). The oldies rump has certainly seen better days but, as we will see later, ageing buttocks and boobs still have an important role to play in the retirement-home boudoir.

The most sacred parts of the codger body are the primary sexual organs, or genitals (naughtycus shameicus). For the man this is the lingam; for the woman, the yoni. Do not confuse these most sacred continents of the human map with the baser cock and fanny. They play no part in our spiritual quest and are only deemed of importance to those down the pub.

The lingam and the yoni are the very essence of man and woman. As a man ages and approaches pre-death, his lingam may, at first sight, be very impressive to the opposite sex. This is because of gravity; not natures blessing. As the male body grows old, its bits and pieces droop in a seemingly relentless quest to drape on the floor. Though the lingam may be of a respectable lengthage, it is often the case with append-ages of such great age that they are kaput and semi-useless. This failure in the naughty department is by no means the death of the mans sex life because, as we will discover later, Lazarus isnt the only thing that can be raised from the dead.

The woman has the most sacred of all botdy parts the yoni. The yoni is not, as some believe, a mullet-haired Israeli popstar, but is in fact the naughty part of the gentler sex. The yoni is the very birthplace of life. All begins and ends in this most spiritual of body parts. In youth, the yoni is much prized as an object of desire, lust and beauty. In old age, the yoni often takes on a rather less decorous appearance and, if not kept in check, can all too easily end up looking like a lettuce sandwich.