Table of Contents
To my lovely wife, Christa
Acknowledgments
Thanks to my wife, Christa, for keeping her eye on the brighter horizon and remaining steadfast through madness and folly.
Thanks to Luke Schmaltz, Troy Baxley, David Gayman, Jimmy Patino and Rich English for fighting the good fight, even when they were too drunk to stand up.
And to Byrd Leavell for raising the flag high and shouldering it into the breach.
Introduction
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. Sobriety diminishes, discriminates, and says no; drunkenness expands, unites, and says yes. Not through mere perversity do men run after it.
William James
While there are dozens of books telling you how to make drinks, there are precious few willing to explain what to do after youve taken the next logical step and poured them in the direction of your liver. Which is disgraceful, if you ask me. Its akin to telling people how to build a rocket ship then shrugging when they ask how to pilot the damn thing: Just point it at the sky and let her rip! Whatever happens next is your problem.
Popular culture isnt much help either. While previous generations of drinkers had excellent and obvious archetypes to emulateone need only crack a blurry eye in any direction to see a public figure going mano a mano with the bottletodays drinker is bombarded by a barrage of mixed signals. Beer commercials suggest that drinking is a sure path to irresponsible fun, then have the gall to tell us to be responsible about it. The medical community confesses the many health benefits of alcohol, then tries to push pills with harrowing side-effects in its stead. Bible thumpers swear drinking is sinful, forgetting that Jesus turned water into wine, not the other way around. Public figures will admit to wild bouts of boozing, but only as theyre checking out of rehab. Our government trusts teenagers enough to ship them off to foreign lands to fight and die, but dont reckon them responsible enough to drink a beer.
But worry not, for help has arrived. The book you hold in your hands will not only show you how to behave once youve had a few, it is also a rallying cry for a largeand largely scatteredtribe. It is the embodiment of the inevitable backlash against the army of self-appointed nannies who believe any manner of fun shouldnt interrupt the long, grey lockstep toward the prison of death. Those who have coddled and browbeat society into believing that everything must be done in exact moderation (and that extends to happiness), under penalty of social ostracism. That anything that makes us feel good must inherently be bad.
This book seeks to alleviate that misplaced guilt, to affirm the notion our grandfathers held to be true: It is perfectly fine and normal to want to get outside ones head, to take a vacation from oneself.
Of course, critics will attempt to diminish this fine escape by rather smugly stating that our troubles will still be there when we wake up. Which makes as much sense as canceling your vacation in Cancun because, hey, your job will still be there when you get back. Theyre failing to grasp two very fundamental truths: 1) even a temporary escape is better than no escape at all, and 2) alcohol is very cheap in Mexico.
Real Drunks Dont Drink Zima
The 86 Rules of Boozing
Theres more to it than tipping a glass and acting foolish.
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the urge to order a slightly dirty, very dry, in-and-out, super-chilled, half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots, and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartenders attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now Im going to get drunk. I hate shots. Its coming back up.
12. Never ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. Hell get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always keep a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you dont have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in pub lic and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless youre doing the same thingurinating, waiting in line, or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply makeup, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout woo-hoo! if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a DJ, you can request a song only once per night. If he doesnt play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. Youll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you cant afford to tip, you cant afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink his beer, even if its hidden, so long as you leave him one.
