Anna Valdiserri - Creepology: Self-defense for your social life

This issuch a common story that its become a clich.

A woman meetsa man. He may be a casual acquaintance; someone she met on public transport orat a shop. He may be a member of her social network; someone from work, school,a club or social activity, or a neighbor. The guy doesnt sit quite right withher. Sometimes theres something about him that bothers her right from thestart. Sometimes things start out OK, but soon she becomes uncomfortable.

She cantreally say what it is about him that unsettles her so much. Perhaps there issomething unnerving about the way he looks at her, staring at her too intently,or constantly looking at her out of the corner of his eyes. He may stand tooclose, or accidentally (yet conveniently) keep being in her way so that theyhave to brush against each other. He may seem too familiar in his physicalcontact; shaking hands for too long, insisting on hugs when everyone else justshakes hand, or insisting on kisses when everyone else just hugs. He may giveher compliments that seem too personal. He may open up to her too much, revealingpersonal details that she would have preferred to be ignorant of.

He may seekher presence more than their connection warrants, or linger near her afterwhatever business they may have is concluded. He may track her down in settingsoutside of their connection. If he is a colleague, he might suddenly turn up ather gym or her house, or track her down online. If he is a neighbor, he mightturn up at her work. Although he always has a valid reason for his presence nobody could accuse him of stalking the fact that he keeps turning up isstarting to concern her. Conversely, he may only ever be where hes supposed tobe, but the likelihood of his presence makes her dread that place.

Whatever heis doing, his behavior is just ever-so-slightly off. Nothing that seemsserious. Nothing she can put a finger on. Nothing that makes sense when shetries to articulate it, even to herself. Definitely nothing she could get anyoutside help with. What is she going to tell people, that a guy smiles at hertoo much and she wants them to get him to stop?

All andstill, there is something not quite right about him, and she feels that keenly.What freaks her out even more is that he seems to be ignoring her discomfort.She knows that she is sending all the subtle negative signals she can think of,but he doesnt seem to be reading them. Shes definitely not encouraging him,yet he seems to be getting keener.

She mighttalk to her partner, friends, or colleagues about him. She might be told thathes a bit odd, but harmless. That he doesnt really mean it. That thats justthe way he is. She might be told off for being so judgmental. The poor guy isjust an awkward fellow who is doing his best; he just keeps messing up. Shemight be told that she needs to cut him some slack. She might be calledstuck-up or a bitch for insisting that she hates to have him near her. Shemight be told that its partly her fault: she must have led him on, and now hebelieves theyre friends, or more than friends. What is she going to do now? Turnon him and hurt his feelings? Is she really that kind of person?

She mightbe told that everything is OK. That her feelings on the subject are plainwrong, that she is seeing things that are not there, or that she is making amountain out of a molehill. She cant really say that those naysayers arewrong; after all, the guy hasnt done anything that bad. She cant point to anyone thing that justifies how she feels: nervous, fearful, besieged, sullied.Creeped out. Those feelings make no sense, but they will not go away.