Scott Ostler - How to Cheat in Sports: Professional Tricks Exposed!

Professional Tricks Exposed!

by SCOTT OSTLER
Foreword by Rick Reilly Illustrations by Arthur Mount

Dedicated to my late dad, Don Ostler, the last honest man.

I didnt write this foreword. Scott Ostler did. But Im putting my name on it. Thats the kind of cheating I learned from Scott.

Have you ever played basketball with this man? Aside from his questionable use of elbows, his knack for grasping your shirt and shorts for leverage, and his habit of flopping like a Barry Bonds musical, hes really very strict about the rules.

Yet here he is, writing a very funny how-to book on sports cheating. Imagine thatcelebrating cheating at a time when the purity of sport is under question. But maybe its not as simple as that. Perhaps he believes by shining a light on the dark world of cheating, a more informed sports fan can watch for it, and tipped-off athletes can counter it. Then again, we are talking about Scott, so hes probably just doing it to payoff his bookies.

It figures that one of the best sportswriters in San Francisco history would write a book about cheating, in that San Francisco is to cheating what Sheboygan is to bratwurst. Gaylord Perry of the Giants used to throw a spitter that needed triple-ply Bounty by the time it got to the plate. Barry Bonds records in the book should all have tiny syringes next to them. Victor Conte and his Bay Area BALCO lab will go down as the Henry Ford of Fraud.

I do understand why people cheat in sports. Whether youre playing in the Super Bowl or a weekend touch-football mud bowl, competitive juices flow and the temptation is strong to stretch the rules. The will to win creates temporary (at least) insanity. It causes Kevin McHale to play in the 87 NBA Finals with a broken foot, knowing he is shortening his career. It causes Washington Senators pitcher Tom Cheney to pitch 16 innings (228 pitches!) in one game, even though he isnt getting overtime. It causes Dallas Cowboys TE Jason Witten to keep running for the end zone after his helmet comes off, despite being pursued by a 260-pound Eagles linebacker whos in a cannibal club.

The primitive urge to win also causes many athletes, pro and amateur, to not only walk the fine line between honesty and larceny, but to sometimes swan dive off that fine line and wallow in Rosie Ruizville.

But whats amazing is they do it without shame! I once heard an Argentinean explain why Diego Maradonas Hand of God goal to win the 1986 World Cup (see page 156) wasnt cheating. Tricking the referee is all part of the game, he said. Ohhhhhhh.

And thus, this fascinating little book. With diagrams, no less.

Still, Im stunned that bowlers cheat. Its bowling, people!

Now if youll excuse me, I have to go cork my Big Bertha.

Please dont tell my mom I wrote this book.

I dont want her to think her first son is a cheater, and hes not. I have never cheated in sports, unless you count letting my sons beat me in sports when they were tots. Yes, I dumped games, like those World Series-tanking 1919 Black Sox, but I was helping my children build self-esteem. Somewhere down the line theyre going to return the favor.

So why did I, a noncheater, write a book about cheating in sports?

For the adventure. Its been fun to explore a universal behavior that affects us all but isnt talked about much until the cookie jar lid slams down on some poor saps hand. Cheating is everywhere. As Madge the Manicurist said to her shocked customer in that old TV commercial for dish soap, Youre soaking in it!

I did not find a sport free of cheating. Chess? Lousy with cheaters, at the highest levels. Yachting, rowing, lacrosse, bowling? You bet. Maybe cheating in so-called gentlemanly sports isnt cricket, but there is even cheating in cricket.

Its not like I was picking at a scab on sports. Cheating goes right down to the bone. We were dealing with a core issue, and most people got that, so the interviews were fun. Asking people to talk about cheating is like asking them to talk about sex. Some find the subject uncomfortable or distasteful; others simply are not dialed in to that universe. But most people jumped right in. Hall of Famers, journeymen, high school coachesalmost everyone happily shared stories (and asked what others had offered).

Few interview subjects expressed moral misgivings about cheating. Jim Palmer, the great Baltimore Orioles pitcher, told me he tried cheating only once, as a lark, unsuccessfully sandpapering a ball. But he enthusiastically told tales of cheating by others, including spitballer Gaylord Perry, and didnt seem to feel that he had been cheated by the cheaters who probably cheated him out of many victories.

I certainly dont begrudge Gaylord, Palmer said. For me, cheating would have ruined the quest. That sounds like its holier-than-thou, but for me it went pretty well the way I was doing it [without cheating].

While I was receiving cheat confessions, I never sensed shame or regret, which is probably because cheating is genetically ingrained, an extension of the competitive nature of man. The earliest sports with rules were often battles to the death, where cheating might save your life. With some athletes I interviewed, I got the sense they believe its dishonorable, dumb, or unmanly not to cheat.

Because this book is likely to spark philosophical debate, here are a few starter questions: If one player is a cheater and another player will do whatever it takes to win, arent they basically the same guy? Does cheating cheapen a sport, or does it place a premium on cleverness, a basic human survival skill?

And if cheating isnt honorable, why do we honor our greatest cheaters? Gaylord Perry is in the Baseball Hall of Fame. So is Leo Durocher, who as manager would cheat rookies out of their money in card games. Utah Jazz point guard John Stockton, he of alleged illegal picks and jabby elbows and flops, will be a Hall of Famer one day. St. Louis Cardinals offensive lineman Conrad Dobler achieved folk-hero status and best-selling author-hood for his dirty tricks in pileups. Linebacker Bill Romanowski parlayed his cheap-shot infamy with four NFL teams into Super Bowl glory and a postfootball career in movies.

Cheating goes back to the dawn of time. When wife-hunting was a sport, caveguys probably corked their clubs. The first flopper was probably a Roman gladiator hoping to be taken for dead and dragged out of the arena before the emperor gave his final thumbs-down.

Maybe youve heard how pure the ancient Olympics were. Baloney. There was plenty of cheating back then, even chemical cheating. For ancient Olympians, performance-enhancing supplements included hallucinogenic mushrooms (to help the athlete get into a zone) and sheep testicles (to boost testosterone). Say, maybe thats why athletes caught cheating are often said to feel sheepish.

(Much modern sports cheating is chemical in nature, and while Ive tried to cover a wide range of sports and cheating styles in this book, youll notice that I avoid steroids and other chemicals. The idea was to omit tips that are potentially harmful.)

If youre looking for ways to cheat, here they are. If youre merely curious about what happens on the dark side, enjoy. Maybe you want to learn what the bad guys are doing so you can counter them, in your honest way. Good for you. Best of luck. Pack a lunch.