Bart Scott - Ears of Steel: The Real Mans Guide to Walt Disney World

Ears of Steel

The Real Mans Guide To Walt Disney World

Bart Scott

Copyright 2014 by Bart Scott. All rights reserved.

EARS OF STEEL

THE REAL MANS GUIDE TO WALT DISNEY WORLD

Published by The Intrepid Traveler, P.O. Box 531, Branford, CT 06405

www.intrepidtraveler.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the express written permission of the publisher, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

This book makes reference to various Disney copyrighted characters, trademarks, and registered marks owned by The Walt Disney Company and Disney Enterprises, Inc. They are used in this book solely for editorial purposes. Neither the author nor the publisher makes any commercial claim to their use. Note: For purposes of readability, the official names of some entities, including but not limited to Disneyland Park, Walt Disney World Resort, Disneys Animal Kingdom, Disney California Adventure Park, Walt Disney Imagineering, and others are often referred to in the abbreviated or colloquial forms by which they are commonly known to the general public.

First Edition

Printed in the United States of America

Cover design by Lisa Rennie

ISBN: 978-1-937011-34-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013940371

Distributed to the trade by National Book Network

For my Wendy, who creates the real magic in our little kingdom and holds it all together whenever I fly off to Neverland! You never imagined marrying a man equal parts Pan and pirate, but you hold my heart (and hook!).

Table of Contents

Authors Note (For Men Only!)

Gentleman Dont worry, its a generic term. If youre a man, you qualify. This book doesnt really start for a few pages. The next section is for your wife, girlfriend, or the significant female in your life. Its boring chatter. You know, the kind they like. I only include it because the lawyers insist. Something about an equal-opportunity travel book, blah blah blah !

In a moment, Im going to have you turn the page and hand her the book.

Dont worry, this isnt a trick. Im telling her to leave you alone while you read. In fact, Im telling her to bring you a sandwich and a beer, then leave you alone. See, Im on your side.

Go ahead, flip the page and hand her the book. Ill instruct her when to give it back (and go to the kitchen to make your snack).

Hello, Ladies!

Hi there! Its your old pal Bart, the Disney Guy. Ok, not the Disney Guy. I am one of many. We are a community of grown men who go about our daily lives doing manly things, performing manly tasks, and taking care of manly responsibilities. But inside, we are Disney guys. Were proud Men of The Mouse, and we are legion.

If youre reading this, first off thank you for buying my book. My children thank you, and my wife really thanks you! If you stole it, go back to the store and pay for it or may your thieving hand be bitten off by a tick-tock croc! Trust me, hooks are a bad look for a gal.

If youre reading this (and you shelled out money for it) I think I understand why. Youve got a problem. You want to go on a family vacation. Specifically, you want to go to Walt Disney World. Your kids want to go to Walt Disney World. The problem? The hairy-backed knucklehead kicked back in his easy chair with potato chip flakes on his shirt and a remote fused to his palm.

Let me guess. He doesnt want to go to Walt Disney World. He probably uses words like too expensive or nothing for me to do and just a bunch of kiddie stuff. Is this sounding familiar? Dont worry. Ive heard it all before. These are simply the uneducated ramblings of a prideful man. And you know how they are. We men dont ask for directions. We dont read instructions. Our natural instinct is that we just know . Even if we know we dont know, we cant let you know that we dont know, even though we know you probably know we dont know. You know?

Maybe hes picturing mouse-shaped balloons. Perhaps somewhere in his life he saw footage of its a small world. Its even possible theres just a sad little boy inside him that always wanted to go to Walt Disney World but never got the chance. Pardon me while I roll a single tear. Im sure he would rather spend a week charring animal products, hitting things with sticks, beating his chest, and howling at the moon.

Truth is hes only hurting himself. Fortunately, youve come to the right source. I am going to help youthrough this book. I know how to talk to your husband. Hes a man. I have experience in this area.

Carefully flip to the introduction and slowly place the book in front of his sloping brow. No sudden movements. We dont want to spook him. Trust me. You just go pack your comfortable shoes and sunscreen. Youll be on your way to the Orlando area before you can wish upon a star. If he refuses to read, tell him he will soon find life around his happy home colder than Minneapolis in late January. The exact room you specify is up to you!

Oh, and just for the sake of reinforcement, you might want to read the rest too! Your husband is about to take in a lot of information. I will keep it interesting and funny, but there are no pictures and it might make him a little dizzy. I cant be in your home to talk him down. Well, I suppose for a nominal fee, but best if you handle the aftercare yourself.

All righty then! Ready to make your Walt Disney World family vacation dreams a reality? Turn the page, hand him back the book, and here we go!

Who Needs a Vacation?

Hi there, pal! Told you Id be back. Im sure shell be shuffling off into that kitchen any minute now. So now that its just you and me, lets talk. I know, youre trying to watch the race or the news or Oprah (dont worry, I wont tell). Hear me out! This is for the sake of your family. If youre reading this book at all, its most likely because your lady and your kids want to take a trip to Walt Disney World.

Wait! Dont shut down on me, man!

Shes watching. I suggest you keep reading. I said Id help her, but Im really on your side. We are on the same side. Were like the Band of Brothers! Pals before gals, and all that! Trust me when I say Ive got your best interests at heart. You need a vacation. You bust your butt all week long, all year for that matter, in what seems like never-ending monotony, right? Whats that? No, not the game with hotels and colorful money. Monotony. It means everything feels the same, never changing, that sort of thing.

Im kidding! Of course, you knew what it meant! See, you are a smart guy. So my question to you is simple. What do you have against Walt Disney World???

Youre denying yourself an incredible vacation. What, too macho to have fun? Afraid the boys down at the gravel pit are going to make fun of you? The brain trust at the pub will question your manhood for going to see Mickey? Guess what, pal? Theyre morons! Dont deny yourself for those orangutans!

I know what youre thinking. Youre a grown man. Theres nothing there for you, right? Guess what my friend, youre wrong! Im going to prove it to you.

Where would you rather go? Someplace hot and tropical? Lay around sweating all day, surrounded by leathery septuagenarians stuffed into European swimwear nature never intended for the human form, sipping overpriced slush with tiny umbrellas? Two words: cartel wars. Not to mention, are you really going to take your family someplace where kidnapping gringos is a national trade? Talk about creating memories. That will be wellremembered come Fathers Day.

Las Vegas? Why not? Hey kids, guess what? You get to stay locked up in the room all night while daddy loses your college fund! Better learn to deal blackjack, Junior! Youre gonna need a trade! Vegas isnt even the deal it used to be. The days of 99-cent buffets are over. The Rat Pack is gone. And do you really want to spend half the trip covering your kids eyes?