Keri Arthur - Moon Sworn

How do you say good-bye to a friend?

How do you say sorry I wasnt there for you, that I wasnt strong enough, that I should have shot the bastard when I first had the chance? How can you say those things when hes no longer around to hear the words?

And how can you get over the grief when his body is little more than memories on the wind and his soul long gone from this life?

You couldnt. I couldnt.

So I just stood there on the edge of the precipice, surrounded by the dark beauty of the Grampian Mountains and buffeted by a wind that seemed to echo with wild hoofbeats.

These werent the mountains Kade had been born in, but they were the ones that he had chosen in death. His ashes had been scattered here three months ago, the funeral attended by his mares, his children, and his coworkers from the Directorate.

By everyone except me.

Id been caught in a battle of my own, hovering between this world and the next, torn between the desire to die and the reluctance to simply give up.

In the end Id chosen life over death, but it wasnt my twin whod pulled me from the brink, nor was it the vampire who held my heart. My savior had come in the form of a blond-haired little girl with bright violet eyes that saw too much.

But thered been no savior for Kade.

There should have been, but Id failed him.

I closed my eyes and flung my arms wide, letting the wind rock my body. Part of me was tempted to just let go, to fall forward into the chasm that stretched out below me. To smash my body on the rocks and let my spirit roam across this vast wildness. To be free, as my friend was now free.

Because with Kade dead, my soul mateKyedead, and most of my dreams little more than ashes, death still sometimes seemed like a mighty enticing option.

But there were people in my life who deserved better. And Kade would certainly want more from me than that.

Tears tracked down my cheeks. I breathed deep, drawing in the freshness of the early-morning air, tasting the flavors within it and half searching for the one scent that would never, ever, be there again.

He was gone forever. I could accept that. But I could never escape the guilt of it.

I bent and picked up the bottle of wine Id brought with me. It was a Brown Brothers Rieslingone of his favorites, not mine. After popping the cork, I took a drink, then raised the bottle to the dawn skies, the tears pouring down my face.

May I one day earn your forgiveness, my friend. My voice was barely audible, but it seemed to echo across the mountains. And may you find peace, happiness, and many willing mares in the fertile meadows of afterlife.

With that, I poured out the wine, letting it stream away on the wind. When the bottle was empty, I tossed it over the edge, watching it fall until the shadows claimed it. I never heard it smash against the rocks. Perhaps the ghostly fingers of a bay-colored man caught it long before it could.

I took another deep, shuddering breath, then swiped at the tears on my cheeks and added, Good-bye, Kade. I hope we can meet again on the other side. And I hope Im a smarter friend then than I am now.

The sun chose that moment to break over the top of the mountains, streaming golden fingers of light across the shadows and almost instantly warming the chill from the air and my skin.

If it was a sign from Kade, then it was appreciated.

I dried the last of my tears, blew a kiss to the sunrise, then turned and walked back down the path to my car. My phonewhich Id left sitting on the front seat along with my handbagwas flashing. Which meant thered been a call for me while I was up at the cliff edge.

I dropped into the drivers seat and reached for the phone, then hesitated. I knew without looking that the call would be from Jack. He excelled at that sort of timingalways catching me when I least expected or wanted it. Besides, everyone else in my life knew that I was up here saying my good-byes, and they wouldnt have interrupted me for anything less than a disaster. And if it was a disaster, there were better ways to contact me than using a phone. Hell, Quinn could have just found me telepathically. The link between us had grown a lot stronger since Kyes death.

Kye.

The thought of him had my stomach twisting. I closed my eyes and pushed away the guilt and the anger and the pain that always rose at the mere flicker of memory. Id killed my soul mate. Willingly. And now I had to live with the consequences.

Even if part of me still just wanted to curl up and die.

I glanced down at the phone again. It was tempting to ignore Jacks call, but I couldnt. Id chosen to liveand whether I liked it or not, the Directorate was a part of my life.

I flicked a switch on the phone and brought up the call data. It was definitely Jack. Id told him two days ago that I was ready to go back to work, but now that the time was here, I wasnt so sure.

Truth be told, I didnt want to pick up a gun again. I didnt want to have to shoot anybody againespecially after what had happened with Kade and Kye. I feared the hesitation that had led to Kades death. But most of all, I feared that I wouldnt hesitate. That Id become the unthinking killer that Jack wanted me to be, simply because of the fear that Id lose someone else if I didnt.

Id spent a long time fighting Jacks desire to make me a guardian. When Id finally become one, the fight had twisted, becoming a battle against his plans and my own nature. I didnt want to be the killer my brother was. As much as I loved himas much as I didnt want to live without himRhoans occasional ruthlessness scared the hell out of me.

Kade had once said that everyone hesitates, but hed been wrong. My brother never did, and neither did the other guardians. Just me.

And that hesitation had cost me Kade.

I felt trapped, caged between the boulders of fate, my own nature, and fear. As much as I wanted to walk away from the Directorate, I couldnt. The drug given to me so long ago was still running rampant in my bloodstream, and the changes to my body were continuing. The scientists monitoring me were almost positive that, unlike the other recipients of the drug, I wouldnt gain the ability to take on multiple shifter formsmeaning I was stuck with the alternate shape of a goddamn seagullbut my clairvoyant skills were still growing, still changing. No one was sure where it would stop, and until it all settled down, I was stuck with the choice of the Directorate or the military.

And it was always better to stick to the devil you knew.

I drew in a shuddering breath, then hit the phones call button. Jack answered second ring.

You wanted me, boss?

Yeah, I did. He hesitated. Are you okay? You still sound tired.

Im fine. But I rubbed a hand across my eyes and half wished that Id lied. Hed given me the perfect out, and we both knew it. But I really did have to get on with my lifeeven the bits of it I was no longer so sure about.

Whats happening?

Weve got what looks like a ritual killing. If youre feeling up to it, Id like you to go over there and see if theres a soul hanging about.

Sure. Send me the address and Ill head straight there. I hesitated. Itll take me at least an hour, though. Im up at the Grampians.

He didnt ask me why. He knew it was Kades final resting place, and he also knew Id missed his funeral.

Thats fine. Cole and his men are only just heading to the scene themselves. Ill send the report and the address to your onboard.

Thanks, boss.

He grunted and hung up. I threw the phone on the passenger seat, then started the car and swung out of the parking lot. The computer beeped as I turned onto the Grampians Road and headed for the Western Highway. I pressed the screen, getting the address and transferring it across to the nav computer. I didnt bother looking at the reportI preferred getting my impressions from Cole and my own observations. Id read it later, once Id seen the crime scene for myself.