M. Hanover - Graveyard Child

To Rosemary Woodhouse

If he had shouted, it would have been better.

You dont look fat, he said, the words almost uninflected. You look pregnant.

He stood in the bedroom doorway, leaning against the frame. The beautiful boy shed met back in Florida was gone, and this ghost was in his place. The dark hair looked dry now. Dusty. The darkness under his eyes seemed permanent. Carla looked down at her belly, sick with shame not only on her own behalf but for what she had done to Jay. If she hadnt given in, they would still be flirting together, going off to Disney for the day with the young singles group or driving to Daytona Beach with her cousins. He was a man. It had been her job to be modest. To make sure things didnt go too far.

Shed failed.

I just thought . . . she began, and then the tears started and she choked a little.

Sweetie, the reason the one with ruffles has all those ruffles? Its in order to make you look like youre just fat. The people who make wedding dresses arent stupid. They know how to hide what needs to get hidden, he said. He sighed. And so do I, right?

She sat on the bed, the springs creaking under her weight. Hers and the babys.

I always imagined the day I got married, you know? The dress Id wear. How pretty Id look. Kind of stupid, eh?

It was four thirty, and the winter sun spilled through the window, ruddy and dim. She could feel the cold radiating from the window. It never got this cold in Florida. Jay stayed where he was long enough that she was afraid hed walk away. When he stepped toward her, she felt relief and dread. Relief because he was going to sit beside her and take her hand. Dread because she saw in the way he held himself that he didnt want to. The bed creaked more, the mattress pressing them closer to each other. He took her hand.

This isnt what you wanted, he said. Its not what I wanted either. Were solidly in plan B territory. But it wont be like this forever. I can get back. And you can help me. Its going to be okay.

I love you, Jaybird, she said.

Youre a beautiful girl, Carla mine, he said. He stroked her cheek and she leaned into his touch. He kissed her just like she knew he would, and for a few seconds they were who theyd been before. Two young Christians deeply in love. He pressed his forehead against her temple. His smile was so close, she could barely see it, but she knew it was there. It made everything better. Not right, but better. His hand slipped onto her breast.

When exactly do you have to meet your dad and Pastor Michael? Carla asked.

An hour.

You think maybe you ought to . . .

He pressed back against her. The bed protested.

Jay, she said. The baby.

He sighed, nodded, stood.

Its just that, with your family coming in, I dont think well have much private time for a while.

You can wait until after the wedding, she said, and the words were sharper than shed meant them to be. Harder. And worse, she didnt regret them.

She stayed in the bedroom watching the light die in the west while Jay washed his hands, found the car keys, and ate a container of strawberry yoghurt standing in front of the old, green refrigerator. The sound of traffic from the street was like an echo from another world. He didnt say good-bye when he left. The front door only opened and then closed. She watched him get in the car, the dome light on him like a halo for a moment, and then darkness. The engine roared and squeaked. A belt was slipping. Jay didnt know how to fix that kind of thing, so he just put up with it. The headlights came on, and the father of her child, her soon-to-be husbandthe man she would wake up beside for the rest of her lifepulled out into the street. He either gunned the engine out of anger or just to keep the old car from stalling. She didnt know which.

With him gone, she watched the neighbors Christmas lights glow. Christmas day was gone, and theyd probably stay up until after New Years. She tried to take some joy in them, then turned on the TV just for noise. She didnt care what was on. She texted her best friend from Orlando, but she didnt get an answer. She screwed around online, playing stupid games on Facebook and trying not to think. They wouldnt come in until the day before the wedding. Her parents. Her sister. Her brothers, except Carlos, because hed just started a new job and couldnt get the time off to go to Wichita to watch his slut little sisters shotgun wedding. She clicked on a link and a grinning cartoon goat popped up asking her to confirm her in-app purchase and she hit Cancel, pushed at her eyes with the back of her hand, and clicked over to the fashion news. It was just the baby making her emotional. Everything would get better when the wedding was over. And better than that when she gave birth and she could hold her son.

She wished they could have stayed in Orlando. It killed Jay to go back to his family and ask for help, but there werent a lot of jobs in Florida right now, and the money Carla made as a paralegal would just about cover the day care shed need in order to work. If they were here, Jays parents could help out, and not just with babysitting. His dad went to church with the landlord of the new apartment. The place was ragged and worn and it smelled like old ant poison, but it was cheap. Cheaper than it would have been for someone else. Jay had other friends. Connections. Hed grown up here. It was his town. If they couldnt make it here, they couldnt make it anywhere. He had laughed a little when he said that, but she could hear the distance in it.

It had been so sweet when it started. Jay was a gentle man. Kind and strong and funny. And hed looked pretty damn good in his swim trunks. They met through the church. Hed just moved away from his family for the first time, and the joy he took in being on his own shone in him like a lamp. He hadnt been wild. He didnt go out drinking or anything like that. But there was a sense of freedom about him. Of possibility. That had probably been better than the swim trunks. It had all seemed so easy at the time. One thing had just led to another, and then there theyd been, naked and sweating on top of the nubbly orange bedspread, and her praying right then that shed get away with it. Other girls did. She could too.

Only she couldnt.

The baby shifted uneasily, pressing against her from the inside. Hunger gnawed at her, but she knew how it would go. Shed stand at the refrigerator, wanting steak or liver and onionsshed always hated liver and onions, but not nowand there would only be noodles and lunch meat. Leftover casserole that Jays mother had left for them. Shed stand there with the cold air pushing at her just like the December chill from the windows until she gave up and ate something. Anything. Then, about thirty minutes later on, shed puke and go to sleep.

Might as well cut out the middle part.

She turned off the computer and the TV and went into the empty bedroom. Her body felt too heavy. Not like she was fat, but like someone had turned gravity up too high. She wondered what was taking Jay so long. It had to be nine, nine thirty by now. The city outside her window was black as midnight.

The little glowing alarm clock by the bed said it was six forty-five. The night had hardly even begun. Carla kicked off her shoes, pulled back the covers, and clambered into the bed. Shed have to get up later. Shed have to eat and shower and brush her teeth and put on a nightgown. For right now, pressing her head into the dust-smelling pillow with her clothes still onher dress that didnt make her look fat, just pregnantfelt like the best and only thing to do. She was pretty sure she wouldnt fall asleep. Or if she did, not deeply. She dreamed she was in her old place in Orlando, looking out a bathroom window that wasnt there in the real world. Someone was outside it, looking in. A man with a round, bald head and a bright smile. In the dream, she knew she should have been scared of him, but he looked so nice.