Cassie Alexander - Shapeshifted

Id like to thank all the usual brilliant suspectsmy editor, Rose Hilliard; my agent, Michelle Brower; my incomparable alpha reader, Daniel Starr; for the book youre holding in your hands. Aleta Rafton, my cover artist, and Laura Jorstad, my copy editor, and their counterparts in other countries translating me. My husband, Paul, for his perpetual support, and Rachel Swirsky and Barry Deutsch again, my late-night writing friends.

Id also like to thank Jen Coreas and Kelsey Luoma for their Spanish helpalthough any mistakes that remain are definitely mine!

And my thanks to everyone whos read about Edie so far, especially to my fellow night-shift employees who e-mail me late at night. I hope Ive made your shifts go by a little faster.

Id lost fifteen pounds in six months.

Being a nurse, Id run through the worst-case scenarios first: cancer, diabetes, TB. When Id checked my blood sugars and cleared myself of coughs and suspicious lumps, I was left with the much more likely diagnosis of depression. Which was why I was here, even though here was an awkward place to be.

I can tell you anything, right? I asked as I sat down across from the psychologist.

Of course you can, Edie. She gave me a comforting smile, and adjusted her long skirt over her knees. What do you feel like talking about today?

I inhaled and exhaled a few times. There didnt seem to be any good way to launch into my story. Hi, I used to work with vampire-exposed humans. Once upon a time, I dated a zombie and a werewolf. So, you know, the usual. I snorted to myself, and admitted: Im not sure where to begin.

Anything that feels comfortable for you is fine. Sometimes it takes a few sessions to rev up.

Heh. Six months was a long timeI should be getting over things already. Things like being fired well, shunned, which felt a lot like firing. Maybe I should have let them wipe my memory when Id had the chance. Figured I would make the wrong decision. Ive just been through a rough time lately.

How so?

I had this job that I really enjoyed. And I had to leave it. To go elsewhere. Ever since then, my life just feels plain. Id spent the end of winter up to now, July, working the full-time night shift in a sleep apnea clinic, monitoring patients while they slept. It was dull. My skin was paler than ever, and my social life was long gone.

There was a pause while she attempted to wait me out. When I didnt continue, she filled the gap. Lets talk about what you used to enjoy. Maybe we can figure out what you enjoyed about it, and think how you can bring those qualities over into your current situation.

Well. My co-workers were good people. And my job was exciting. I paused, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

What was exciting about it? she encouraged me.

I looked at her, at her nice office, nice couch, nice shelves with nice things. It must be nice to be a psychologist. I looked back at her. She smiled, and opportunity blossomed inside my heart. We, she and I, had patienttherapist privilege. As a registered nurse, I knew the boundaries. As long as I wasnt a danger to myself, or to anyone else, shed have to keep what I told her quiet. It wasnt like she was going to believe me, besides.

I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees. What do you think about vampires?

The smile on her face tightened for just a fraction of a second. Its more important that I know what you think, not the other way around. So, tell me, Edie. What do you think about vampires?

What if I told you they actually existed? I said. Her smile appeared increasingly strained. Here, I wont make it into a question. Ill tell you what I think. They do exist. Theres quite a few of them out there, actually. They have human servants, some to do their dirty work, and others just to get blood from, like human cattle.

The words poured out. I knew I wasnt supposed to say anything, and I knew from looking at her that she didnt want to hear itbut it felt so good to finally talk about it. The dam had broken. I couldnt stop now.

And theres werewolves too. There were two big packs, but now theres just one, and they race around on full moon nights in the parks outside of town, and then theres also zombies, and I dated this zombie for reals onceI knew he was a zombie going into things, and I still dated him. You know how I knew? He told me. I was his nurse one night. At the hospital where I used to work.

I sank back into the worlds most comfortable couch and pressed a hand to my chest. I cannot believe I just told you all that. That felt so good. Looking up, it was clear my confessions hadnt had the same effect on both of us.

She gave me a tight high smile. Do the vampires tell you to hurt yourself?

Not lately! was the wiseass answer that I wanted to givebut everything I told her was going into a file. If I was going to abuse her listening skills, the least I could do would be to take things seriously, and stay polite. No. They dont. Theyre not in my head either.

She tried a different tack. Do the vampires tell you to hurt other people?

Not anymore! No. Theyre not allowed to talk to me anymore.

I could see her measuring me, weighing my sanity. It was pull up now and laugh, like everything Id said had been part of a prank or crazy joke, and wasnt I hilarious? Or sink like a stonewhich was the direction I was heading in. It could be said I lacked the gene for self-preservation that most people came installed with.

There was this one vampire that I was really close to. She kicked me out to protect me, after I destroyed all the extra vampire blood in the county. I saved everyone but I ruined everything too.

The therapist inhaled and exhaled deeply. Edie, at twenty-five youre a little old to be having a schizophrenic break. But we need to do some reality testing here.

Reality testing. Like everything thatd happened to me this past winter wasnt real. I stared at the patterned carpeting beneath my feet. Thats the thing. It was all real. All of it. But I cant tell anyone about it. You know whatll happen to you when I leave this room? If you believe me?

No. Her face looked like she was sucking on an increasingly sour candy. Why dont you tell me?

The Shadows will come out of the ground and erase your memory of everything I said. Maybe even of me. I nudged the carpet with my toe.

Edie, how long have you been having these delusions?

I didnt answer her.

I know youre a nurse, and no one wants to put you on meds less than I do, but my co-worker next doorhes a psychiatrist. We can go together and check in with him. He could get you in as an emergency visit, and then you can go fill your prescription. Risperdal does wonders for people.

Risperdal? I startled and looked up. I was crazy but I wasnt crazy. No.

Edie Her voice went low. I grabbed my bag and started walking toward the door. Youre not going to hurt yourself, are you?

Not if I dont stay here, I said as I shut the door behind me.

In nursing school Id done a psych rotation. The nurse I was following and I ate Risperdal-endorsed microwave popcorn out of a brand-new plastic bedpan. It was incongruous at the time, participating in even a small part of the pharmaceutical promotion machine, and eating out of bedpans like they were bowls for food. After that, Id always made sure to bring my own Tupperware, and limited my brand endorsement to using whatever med-of-the-month-themed pens were lying around.

I didnt want to be on the med of the month, though. Even though I knew meds were helpfulvital, in some casesfor depression. It was just that well, my problems felt situational. You would have thought that it was the stress of working with vampires and werecreatures that did me in, but no, my depression had come after that, with the onset of spring.