Zena Wynn - Reclaiming Angelica

A sound woke him. The door? Did someone leave?

Raul listened harder. A sob. Someone was crying.

He wasnt supposed to get out of bed once Momma tucked him in, but who was crying? It didnt sound like Momma.

Poppa?

He raised his hands and knuckled his eyes clear of the sleepiness. Grabbing his stuffed puppyMomma said they couldnt have a real dog, not in the apartment, and bought him Ruffy insteadhe climbed out of bed and stepped lightly to the door. Maybe if he was really quiet, Momma wouldnt catch him, and he could find out who was crying and hop back into bed before she noticed hed gotten up.

Poppa told Momma to leave his door cracked so the light from the hall could shine inside because Raul didnt like the dark. He was too old to be scared of the dark. Only babies were afraid of the dark, and he was a big boy. Momma said so because he was starting school next year.

Raul peeped through the door, but couldnt see anything. It sounded like the noise was coming from the living room.

He eased down the carpeted hallway to the living room, his bare feet making no sound, dragging Ruffy by his tattered ears. Poppa knelt on the floor, his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking like they did when he laughed. This didnt sound like laughter to him.

Raul glanced around but didnt see Momma anywhere. Cautiously, he eased forward and laid a tentative hand on his poppas big shoulder. Poppa?

Poppa didnt hear him.

Warily, he glanced around again. Wheres Momma? It wasnt like Poppa to be alone.

Momma was always here, especially at night. She laughed and said Poppa didnt like her going out after dark because he was scared something bad would happen to her. Raul didnt think Poppa was scared of anything. He was so strong and so big, but Momma said there were different types of scared. That this scared was okay because it meant Poppa loved her and didnt want anything bad happening to her.

Feeling a little scared, Raul patted Poppas shoulder, a bit insistently this time. Poppa, wheres Momma?

His father jerked and turned swiftly, startling Raul so bad he dropped Ruffy and staggered back before falling hard onto his bottom.

Raul, his Poppa said, not sounding like Poppa at all. His voice was jagged, his face wet with tears, and his skin red and blotchy.

Poppa reached out and grabbed him, pulling him into a hug. Poppa held him so tight it was hard to breathe. Not knowing what else to do, Raul patted Poppa on the head, the way Poppa sometimes did to him when he fell and hurt himself and cried.

Raul still wanted to know where Momma was, but Poppas big shoulders were shaking again, and the side of his neck where Poppas face was buried was wet.

After a long time, when it was all Raul could do not to wiggle his way free, Poppas shoulders finally stopped shaking. When Poppa finally lifted his head, he looked so sad, so unPoppa-like, that Rauls chest hurt. Poppa, wheres Momma?

She left.

Rauls forehead wrinkled. She went to the store? But Momma said you dont like for her to go out at night.

A single tear leaked out of Poppas eye, trailed down his cheek to splash on Rauls hand. Shes not at the store, son. Shes gone.

Where did she go? Raul asked curiously.

Poppa squeezed his eyes shut and breathed out so deeply his breath felt like a soft wind in Rauls face.

Raul laid his hand on his Poppas bristly cheek. Dont be sad, Poppa. Momma will be home soon. Nothing bad happened to her.

Oh God! Oh God! His Poppa hugged him tight again, rocking with him so that his feet left the carpet. Slowly Poppa lowered him to the floor and cupped both of Rauls cheeks with his huge hands. Raul, listen to me, son. Mommas not coming back.

Raul tried to understand. Did Grammaw Pauline get sick again?

Once when he was little, Momma went to stay with her momma because she was sick and didnt have anyone to take care of her. Momma wouldnt let Raul go with her because she said Grammaw Pauline needed lots and lots of attention. Raul was sad, but then Poppa took him to see his uncles, and he had lots of fun, running in the woods and playing with the dogs. That was the first time Raul had met Poppas brothers.

No, son. His Poppa swallowed hard, like he had something in his throat. Your grandmas not sick. Remember our secret?

Raul thought. The one when you became a big doggie? he asked with wide eyes.

Yes, that one. Momma found out and His Poppas voice made a squeaky sound, and he stopped, blinked a few times before continuing, And

Was she excited like me? Raul interrupted. Hed been crying because Momma said he couldnt have a dog, and he really, really, really wanted a puppy. They were so cute and fluffy, and they liked to lick your face. His friend Bobby had a puppy, and Raul wanted one too. Poppa had caught him crying and had shown him this really neat trick he could do, but he made him promise not to tell anyone, not even Momma. Which was really, really hard, but Poppa said it was important and that he was counting on him. That Momma wouldnt love him anymore if she knew.

No, son. She wasnt excited. She was angry. Very, very angry. So angry she left us, and shes not coming back.

But Raul didnt understand. Mommas werent supposed to leave.

She said she didnt love me, didnt love us anymore, because of our secret, Poppa said.

Not love us? Mommas always love their sons, and you, Poppa. No matter what. She said so, Raul argued.

Poppa dropped his hands from Rauls cheeks and closed his eyes again. Dear God, how do I make him understand? Hes so young. Poppa opened his eyes and laid a hand on Rauls shoulder. Were special, Raul, you and I.

How Poppa?

You know how I can turn into a wolf? his Poppa asked.

The big doggie? he asked, not sure what a wolf was.

His Poppa nodded. My brothers, your uncles can too. And one day, when youre older, youll be able to do it too.

Really? Raul was awed, all thoughts of Momma temporarily forgotten.

Yes. But Raul, some people, people like Momma, dont like people who are special. Theyre scared of them, of us, because we can do things they cant, his Poppa tried to explain.

Raul scrunched his face. Mommas not scared, Poppa. Then his face brightened, and he smiled. Maybe when Mommas not mad anymore, shell come home.

Poppa sometimes left when he got really angry. Momma always said Poppa was cooling off. Raul wasnt sure what being hot had to do with anything, but maybe this time Momma was the one cooling off.

Maybe, son. Poppa didnt sound like he believed it, but hed see.

But Momma never did. Raul waited a long, long time. School started, and there was Halloween where he ate so much candy he got sick, and Thanksgiving where Poppa cooked a big turkey and his uncles came to visit.

When Christmas came, Poppa took Raul to his uncles home in the woods. Raul loved visiting his uncles, even though they didnt look much like Poppa. His friend Bobby had a brother that was bigger than him, and they looked a lot a like.

Raul had asked Poppa how come. Poppa explained that his uncles were pack, not blood brothers like Bobby and his brother, but they loved each other like family and took care of each other. Poppa said he was the oldest, and biggest, but Uncle Max was big too, like the football players Poppa watched on TV. Uncle Maxs skin was dark, and he looked mean, but he made Raul laugh. Uncle Dillion had yellow hair and was really, really tall. Raul liked sitting up on his shoulders. It made him feel he was on top of the world. Uncle Joey, the youngest, was his favorite. His hair was black like Poppas, but his eyes were gray, not brown, and he could play a really long time.

They went walking in the woods and chopped down a big Christmas tree. It was bigger than Poppa, and Raul got to pick it out. Then they decorated it and filled the bottom with presents. So many presents all he could do was stare.