Michael Seidlinger - Falter Kingdom

Everyone I know is already talking in the past tense, going on and on about how this is all going to end soon. I hear it in the halls before class. I hear it when we should be trading homework. I hear it in the invites I get to graduation parties. I hear it from Becca whenever we do anything.

You cant forget, Hunter. This is way serious.

Like Im really going to forget.

Its all I can think about anymore.

Im told everywhere I turn that these years were the best years of my life. Our reign as seniors coming to an end, and here we are. But the way everyones saying it, it sounds like this is the best itll ever get.

It cant be that serious.

But the more I think about it, the more it seems to make sense. Maybe Im underselling it.

Give it enough thought and I can basically warm up to any idea. Even if I dont really feel like its serious, thinking about it a lot will make it stick. It will make it real serious.

School is almost over.

In the fall, I wont be walking up the narrow steps to Meadows; Ill be walking up the narrow steps that lead to the student union building at State. Think about that. Really try to let it sink in.

Yeah, I guess its pretty final, huh?

I cant believe were graduating. Like a month from now.

Im chatting with Becca. Were always talking online.

Shes my girlfriend so it shouldnt be weird. But sometimes it is. Well, not weird. Its just kind of annoying. I like to sign out for a few minutes, just to cut out, and then sign back in. Becca thinks my house has shitty Internet. Its an excuse thats held and, man, I want it to hold on tight.

But weve been going since almost the beginning of high school. Nothings changed since she asked me out toward the middle of freshman year. Its been good. And its been a while, yeah. Shes gotten used to me and, really, Ive gotten used to her. Even the things I cant stand.

Same as anything else:

If I think about it enough, I get used to it.

You never did ask me to prom

Its like a few weeks away right?

I watch the little icon flicker once, twice. It means Becca typed something but deleted it and started again. It also means she didnt like what I said and now Im going to have to be the one who fixes things.

Youre still going to ask right? She adds an emoji, a teary-eyed cat.

I look at the paused unboxing video, wanting so much to just watch the rest of it. Kind of ruins the enjoyment factor when Im interrupted.

I look at myself in the mirror hanging above my bed. It takes a second for me to realize that the person Im seeing in the mirror is me. With time and aging, I can almost grow a full five oclock shadow. Know what that means?

That means a full beard. That means whatever it means.

Becca wont let me grow a beard, just like she wont let me grow my hair out. I thought about letting it grow long, earlier this year. Im a senior, I should kind of look older than I am, you know? Give my plain brown hair/brown eyes look a little face-lift.

But yeah, I keep my hair short and face shaved. Beccas preference.

I look away from my reflection, plain looks and all, and push that thought aside. Get to fixating on that stuff just makes it harder to deal with life.

Life is constant.

It wont let me just kick back and watch unboxing videos online.

I send her an emoji, a winking dog wearing a suit.

She replies, ? and then WTF.

I guess it doesnt make much sense. I thought it looked like I was holding back a secret. Like saying, Never know when Ill pop the question. Pop the question. Sounds like were getting married.

Thats another thought to push aside.

I type, Surprise. Itll be a surprise.

Becca types, It better, winking smiley where the period should be.

I stare at what she just typed, fingers light on the keys.

The winking smiley. Cant stand the winking smiley. Becca uses it a lot.

I go back to the tab with the unboxing video. I stare at the paused frame. I look at the time on my phone.

Three A.M. Its the weekend. Tomorrows well, technically todays Sunday. Dont have school, but that wouldnt change much.

Im not much of a sleeper. Ill stay up as late as I can when I want to. I stay up even later on the nights when I need to get the most rest.

Go figure.

But thats my cue to exit. Its my go-to excuse, Got to go.

Yeah, its kind of late. And then she types, Cant believe its really happening. Were graduating.

I tell her, Yeah. So crazy. Night.

Love you, she types, with the heart emoji added.

I do the same, from practice. I dont even need to think about it. Its typed, right there on-screen.

Then I sign out and go back to the video clip.

My night begins when theres no one else who I need to talk to. Dont have to keep up appearances; its just the glow of the computer screen and me. Its just this room and me. Being here is sort of a sanctuary, late at night.

I like watching the unboxing videos the most. But other videos especially video game walk-throughs and retro stuff work just as well. Most popular videos on the site are music videos and other trending pop culture stuff. But I skip even the recommended viewing clips. I just like the simple stuff.

Kind of wish I got ahold of some beer earlier. Mix these videos, beer, and the quiet of a darkened room and thats about as close as I can get to feeling calm.

But yeah, theres something medicinal about unboxing videos. The best are the ones where they take their time, cutting through the cellophane all carefully, meanwhile treating even the inserts and thin brochures that come with the camera, or phone, or game system, as equal as the fragile new device.

This is one of those videos. Ive watched it before.

Watching the guy pull the phone out from its factory-sealed bag, I can almost forget about graduation. I can almost forget about all the insanity thats getting around at school.

But there are some things I cant quite push from my mind.

Like, okay, I could really talk, and I mean really talk, about the stuff I find so fascinating, the stuff I wont even talk about here. I can do that, but whenever I do its kind of like seeing peoples eyes glaze over.

Im not even saying anything insane, at least I dont think I am, but it happens. I talk a different kind of talk and suddenly no ones listening.

Thats society. Thats life.

Thats what I think about at three A.M., when sober and streaming videos instead of sleeping.

Its best to just keep to things that work, things that everyone can relate to and talk about. With so many views on this unboxing video, I think its pretty smart to say that Im not the only one watching unboxing videos. Im not the only one vegging out on streamed videos.

Were all doing it. Some of us just arent getting the most out of it.

Everyones enamored (I love that word), but no ones making the most of what these videos can do. No ones really connecting with the existential (another word I love) power of these videos. Its not just the opening of a brand-new phone or game system; its a glimpse of the future. Its like every single thing thats being opened is the first in whatll be one long life of ownership and possession. And, man, theres something so compelling about being there for that first look. Okay, now I sound like Im insane.

My eyes half open, I bring the laptop with me to bed, under the covers, and I can almost forget about graduation. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the kind of stuff Ive been trying to ignore all day. I see the kind of stuff that started this morning.