Tony Hawks - The A to Z of Skateboarding

Tony Hawks is a radio and TV comedian who makes regular appearances on Im Sorry I Havent a Clue and Just a Minute , and not so regular appearances on Have I Got News for You and QI (despite having repeatedly made it clear that he is available). His six books include the Sunday Times bestselling Round Ireland with a Fridge , Playing the Moldovans at Tennis and Once Upon a Time in the West...Country . He is the same height as Tony Hawk. BY THE SAME AUTHOR Once Upon a Time in the West...Country The Fridge-Hikers Guide to Life A Piano in the Pyrenees One Hit Wonderland Playing the Moldovans at Tennis Round Ireland with a Fridge My name is Tony Hawks. I am an English comedian and author. I am not a bad bloke.

Ive been convicted of no offences, I pay my tax and the only real blot on my moral copybook is once suggesting that the world might be a better place if Chris de Burgh split up. And yet it seems that I have been singled out to be tortured each week by a host of ill-informed and poorly educated young people who write to me thinking that I am the American skateboarder Tony Hawk. Now, I realise that theyre simply making a mistake, and I fully accept that people make mistakes in life. (Ive done it. I once believed that Tony Blair was principled, honest and a good prime minister.) However, the only way these kids can get these emails to me is by visiting my website, www.tony-hawks.com , and then clicking on the contact button. This is the point at which the mistake starts to nudge towards gross stupidity.

Anyone looking at my site would know within seconds that I am not a professional skateboarder, and they might think again before firing off an email asking how to do a 900 or an ollie. However, American youth proceed with their irritating emails, making my life unbearable and driving me to despair. A few years ago I decided to fight back. I began replying to these emails. My tone was acerbic. I was unforgiving of grammatical errors and spelling.

I was harsh. Some might say cruel. But for me it was survival. Either I fought back, or I went down under a barrage of mindless mails telling me how gr8 I was. It was a gr8ness that would, if left unchecked, inevitably result in my mental breakdown. So: what is contained in this book is my attempt at self-therapy.

Its an outlet for me, a chance for me to vent my feelings of frustration. Yes, at times I turn on the entire skateboarding community and thats probably unfair but I had to do it. It was a case of sink or swim. Skateboarding was not an option. I hope you enjoy what you read on the following pages. In their philosophical work of genius Ebony and Ivory, Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney refer to the fact that theres good and bad in everyone.

Maybe thats true. If it is, then in the pages ahead I appeal to the badness in you. Please laugh at what is, essentially, a fifty-something, well-educated bloke mercilessly taking the piss out of a bunch of enthusiastic kids. Feel no guilt. Allowing an outlet for this rather unpleasant side of yourself will mean that you are less likely to embarrass yourself, when out in your car, by shouting and making gestures at other drivers who make minor mistakes. I expect no awards for this book.

I simply want closure; primarily of skateboard parks. If you dont like what you read, then I suggest you send an email of complaint to Tony Hawk, the skateboarder. Now fuck off and get reading.

Opposite is a photo of a handsome man falling on his arse. Ouch. Abusing your arse like this can be avoided in a number of ways, the best of which, unquestionably, is simply not to go skateboarding (see ). Its quite unnecessary. A man falling on his arse skiing. However, if for some reason reading quietly and studying grammar is not enough to bring pleasure and you have to do something stupid, then go skiing.

You will note a key difference between the skier and the skateboarder. One falls on snow, the other on tarmac. Snow is soft, tarmac is hard. The skier is happy-go-lucky, the skateboarder stupid. DEAR TONY HAWK I LIKE SKATEBOARDING TO. I THINK YOUR AWESOME.

I HAVE A BOOK OF YOU AT THE X-GAMES. I WISH I HAD A AUDAGRAPH OF YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE COOL. WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO LIVE IN BEVERLY HILLS. FROM AUSTIN Dear Austin, You can have my Audagraph just as soon as we can get it fixed and running properly. As you will be aware, the Audagraph is a complex piece of machinery and needs constant oiling and Im afraid that I have been rather remiss with this of late. As for your ambition to live in Beverly Hills when you grow up, I urge you to begin the growing-up process forthwith.

TH FACT: Skateboarding was invented in the late 1940s. THE WORLD WAS STILL REELING FROM TWO WORLD WARS THAT ROCKED THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF HUMANITY. THE DOOR WAS OPEN FOR A BLOODY SILLY PASTIME. hey darlin y do u tink ur so gd? u not! av seen so many ppl like u n ur all tink u own da place! y do u make ur games so gd? shame bout da man bhind them! rite bk soon ur biggest fans lewis n paddy xXx Goodness me. And you reckon youre my biggest fans? What do you write to people you dont like? TH These are the options. hi tony, i wear a thong to sk8 sometimes.. do you think itll make me better? Im ate years old. can you teach me a backflip? do you get lots of woman? i saw a boobie once. maybe we can sk8 sometimes, you could kinda show me the ways of being a man, and what to do with my manly.. my momy says ill find out one day bye, youre biggest fan in the whole world shane Shane Im no angel but I have standards. my momy says ill find out one day bye, youre biggest fan in the whole world shane Shane Im no angel but I have standards.

And one of them is not showing 'ate'-year-olds the ways of being a man, and what to do with their manlies. Sorry. TH FACT: The net worth of skateboarding is $4.8 billion in the market today. MOST OF THIS MONEY IS GENERATED BY ANNOYING SKATEBOARDERS BEING PAID A DOLLAR TO GO AWAY. tony, will you ever retire from skate boarding where do you live what is your favourite trick your fan Justin Justin ? This is a question mark. Dont be afraid of it.

Now answers to your queries: Will I ever retire from skateboarding? Only when I can slide along on the thing without falling off and bashing my knee. Where do I live? Just outside Barnstaple. What is my favourite trick? The one where I pull the ace of spades out of my arse. TH