Allum Bokhari - The Antifa Handbook

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Youve seen the headlines. University campuses set on fire. Storefronts smashed. Pensioners and women punched, kicked, and pepper-sprayed in the street by masked thugs. This is the work of the violent alt-left, or antifa as they prefer to be known.

Antifa is short for anti-fascist. Their symbol is a red flag surrounded by a black circle bearing the words anti-fascist action. The first antifa group to bear the name and the symbol was Antifaschistische Aktion, a street-fighting group set up in 1930s Germany by the Communist Party of that country.

Antifa like to cast themselves in the same mould as the Resistance fighters of the 1930s and Second World War brave, selfless souls fighting evil, genocidal Nazis. In reality, theyre a pack of thin-skinned beta males and obese feminist hamplanets ganging up on women and granddads who wear MAGA hats. While the real Resistance risked machine guns and concentration camps, todays antifa are likely to run to their safe spaces if they hear a sufficiently loud voice.

The antifa movement of the present day uses the same name and flag as the anti-fascists of the 1930s. Like their predecessors, the modern-day antifa movement is still filled with communists and far-left anarchists. Unlike the 1930s movement, they no longer confine their attacks to actual fascists, who are pretty difficult to find in modern America.

Their targets now include free speech defenders like MILO, academics like Jordan Peterson, and mainstream politicians like President Trump. Even fluffy establishment conservatives like Ben Shapiro have been accused of fascism by this chronically deluded group.

No-one on the right is safe. If you support free speech, national sovereignty, border control, or if youre just a common Republican, you will be physically attacked by antifa if you are unfortunate enough to cross their path. They show up to right-wing events in large, threatening mobs, typically wielding weapons and wearing black masks.

But they are not as threatening as they seem. Time and again, when antifa have been confronted with determined resistance, they have turned and fled. This guidebook explains the different types of antifa, from the violence addicts of the black bloc to the perpetually, impotently angry Trigglypuffs. It will recap the highs and lows of the movement, and ask the important questions.

For example, why do they hate garbage cans so much?

These are the most common and least threatening forms of antifa. If straight, expect them to be in the company of Alternative Chick (see below), nervously orbiting her, casting suspicious glances at other men, and periodically checking if shes OK. If gay (extremely likely, due to chemicals in the water and soy in the diet), expect them to be even more passive-aggressive and shrill than usual. While the Soyboy does not pose a physical threat, their autistic screeching and tearful outbursts can be incredibly aggravating. Earplugs are strongly advised.

Physical characteristics: weedy, dangerously malnourished, poor posture. Black-framed glasses sans lenses, nose piercing, dyed hair. Pasty white skin, pale from long hours spent masturbating indoors.

Countering the Soyboy: although the Soyboy poses little to no physical threat, they are extremely annoying. Gay soyboys may be disabled with Bible verses, particularly Leviticus, which sends them into fits of uncontrollable rage. Straight soyboys can be disabled by hitting on Alternative Chick, which yields similar results.

Alternative Chicks, when they arent blogging on Tumblr, usually attend antifa rallies to reward the sex-starved Soyboys who they rely on for free drinks and homework sessions. They also see antifa rallies as a promising opportunity for Instagram selfies. The Alternative Chick is full of rage and frustration, because what she desires above all is an alpha male with socially acceptable beliefs & values. This is of course impossible, because no alpha would ever imprison himself within the narrowing confines of social acceptability, and so the Alternative Chick has to spend her days fending off the increasingly desperate advances of the despicable Soyboy. The Alternative Chick will loudly express her fury at President Trumps grab em by the pussy comments, usually within earshot of her Soyboy, to dissuade him from making any moves. In the presence of a right-wing Chad, this outrage is nowhere to be found.

Physical characteristics: dyed hair, tattoos, nose and face piercings. Not unattractive, so long as she has not shaved her head or overdone the piercings. Plaid shirts, bobble hats, and problem glasses are common.

Countering the Alternative Chick: invite her out for some bipartisan chat over coffee. Within 42 minutes, you will be back at her apartment, making love under her Che Guevara poster while frantic messages from various Soyboys accumulate on her iPhone, unread.

The Trigglypuff faces all of the trials and tribulations of the Alternative Chick, only she must also deal with morbid obesity, and its attendant problem, chronic sexlessness. Because of this, her rage at the world is magnified to extreme proportions much like the rest of her. Although physically intimidating, the Trigglypuff possesses no muscle mass, and is thus incapable of causing significant damage to anyone, except perhaps by sitting on them. Because of the Trigglypuffs slow, lumbering movements, she is also easy to evade. Nevertheless, do not underestimate the Trigglypuff: because of the woeful condition of her life, and her constant health problems, she is amongst the angriest of all antifa archetypes.

Physical characteristics: fat.

Countering the Trigglypuff: The Trigglypuff can be countered in precisely the same way as the Alternative Chick, with considerably more ease. However, you probably dont want to do that. Instead, put a burger on a stick and lure Trigglypuff to the nearest Dunkin Donuts, where they will remain occupied for the rest of the day.

The most dangerous members of antifa are the junkies and commune-dwellers who reside on Americas Pacific Northwest coast. Seattle, Vancouver, and Portland are major hubs, although their reach also extends south to San Francisco and the California coast. These are the desperate dredges of society who have finally been cut off from mommy and daddys trust funds, and now live in drug-infested communes, when they arent living on the streets. These are the violent adrenaline-junkies who were part of the destructive black bloc long before Donald Trump was ever a political candidate. Some have been active since 1999, when thousands of them descended on the city of Seattle to protest a trade conference, causing an estimated $20 million in damage. Despite their attempt to craft a fearsome reputation, the Pacific Black Bloc are cowards, concealing their identities and retreating into crowds to avoid retaliation. Nevertheless, they are known for carrying knives, knuckledusters, bats, and other weapons, and are addicted to violence. Treat with extreme caution.