Lewis Howes - The Mask of Masculinity

This is dedicated to every human who has felt heartache,
uncertainty, or confusion in relationships with others or,
most importantly, with yourself. You are not alone,
and we are all in this together.

Mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities in this book does not imply endorsement by the author or publisher, nor does mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities imply that they endorse this book, its author, or the publisher.
Internet addresses and telephone numbers given in this book were accurate at the time it went to press.

2017 by Lewis Howes

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any other information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher.

Book design by Amy King

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file with the publisher.

ISBN 9781623368623 trade hardcover

ISBN 9781635653007 signed hardcover

ISBN 9781623368630 e-book

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mask \mask\ noun. 1: a cover or partial cover for the face used for disguise. 2: something that serves to conceal or disguise: pretense, cloak

masculinity 1a: male. 1b: having qualities appropriate to or usually associated with a man

MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY

Here it was, the moment I had driven myself toward for more than 5 years. Id written and sold my first book, The School of Greatness, and by leveraging every relationship and calling in every favor Id ever accumulated, the launch of the book had been enormously successful. Copies were flying off the shelves. It was written about everywhere, from Forbes to the New York Observer. Midway through the second week after launching, Id gotten the email from my agent that every author dreams of. Lewis, he said, youre debuting at #3 on the New York Times bestseller list.

Me. The kid who had trouble reading in school. The one who other kids (and my teachers) thought was dumb. The one whose brother went to prison for selling drugs, who people said Id grow up to be just like. Not only was I a published author, I was a New York Times bestselling published author. And a named bestseller on the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Washington Post, and every other bestseller list you could think of.

Id never felt higher. My biggest professional dream had come true.

While riding high on my book tour to packed events around the country, I got up and told the story of The School of Greatness, passing along the lessons Id learned from studying under and interviewing some of the most successful athletes, actors, thought leaders, and elite performers in the world. Now with this new achievement, I had a little taste of that greatness myself. Like I said, its the kind of stuff that dreams are made of.

Yet something nagged at me. Inevitably, at these events, during the Q&A session or afterward at the book signing table, someone would ask me a question that temporarily punctured this bubble of happiness. Theyd ask me, Whats next? or It seems like you have it all; is there anything missing in your life? Something about that second question would always catch me off guard. What I had accomplished for myself over the last decade had taken a lot of sacrifice. I was proud of that work, and yet when I looked into the eyes of the person asking me the question, it felt like they saw right through me.

Having just ended a long-term relationship, I spent each night on the book tour alone, wondering the same thing. The high I had felt on stage or at the signing table in front of a long line of fans and readers deflated. I would feel deep and profound loneliness in an impersonal, nondescript hotel room. I had achieved so much of what I wanted with my book and with my career, but deep down, I was asking myself about the point of it all. I had no one to share it with. I had no intimacy or deep connection with anyone else.

I should have felt amazing, but all I felt was terrible.

One night, after repeating this routine several cities in a rowgiving a cheerful answer about my struggle with relationships that, while honest, underplayed the true loneliness I feltit struck me that this was not a new experience for me. There was another moment in my life where I had achieved my personal goals and reached the pinnacle of success, yet felt utterly unfulfilled with the rewards and alone with my accomplishments: in college, literally as I mounted the podium to accept the honors of becoming a newly minted All-American athlete in the decathlon. Precisely when I should have felt the most overwhelming feelings of pride and confidence and satisfaction, I found myself overcome with depression and doubt.

You might be familiar with this story; I told it at length in The School of Greatness. Only I left out a part. The part where, as a young 21-year-old at a very confusing moment in my life, I did what most young men do with confusing feelings: I ignored them. I stuffed them down and pretended they didnt exist. I put them in a box because thats what you are supposed to do if youre a man. Feeling this stuff was just a part of life, and I was weak if I dwelled on it too much. All I knew was that I had to get my life together financially and professionallythe idea that any other concerns mattered was inconceivable to me. Besides, I thought, doesnt becoming successful solve all your problems?

This was rooted in something I learned as an athlete. If something was bothering you, you absolutely 100 percent did not bring it with you on the field. If you were struggling with something in school, that was your problem, and you had better fix it yourself (cheat and lie) or get really good at faking your way through it. Just dont let it impact your performance. As an entrepreneur and media personality, I felt a similar pressure: Show everyone how great your life is going, how much of a badass dude you are, because no one wants to hear your complaints on social media. Toughing it out and then winning, I learned over and over again, was the cure for all that ails. Especially if youre a man.

Though I picked up that way of thinking from multiple influences over the course of my lifefamily, coaches, teammates, movies, mediaI knew deep down that there was something wrong with it. In fact, whenever I met truly great performersathletes like Rich Roll, Ray Lewis, Travis Pastrana, and Steve Weatherford, or motivational speakers like Tony Robbins and Chris LeeI found that they didnt think that way. They werent stuffing their feelings back down inside themselves. They explored them. They questioned them, and most important, they were aware of them. By dealing with and processing their feelings, they didnt just lift an emotional burden from their shoulders, they found a kind of emotional strength and fuel. The ways these great performers process their emotions have been, and continue to be, awe-inspiring.