Table of Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
As always, I am indebted to the people who helped make this book happen: editors Patricia Lee Gauch and Tamra Tuller; agents Kendra Marcus and Minju Chang; my many writer friends, including Moira Donohue, Maureen Lewis, Susan Barry Fulop, Kathy May, Anne Marie Pace, Fran Slayton, and Julie Swanson; and, of course, my always supportive and wonderful husband, Bill, and awesome children, Gavin and Fiona, who all deserve special tribute, as does my sister, Jan, my biggest cheerleader. Thanks to all of you.
In hopes that we may all understand each other better
CHAPTER 1
DEVONS CHEST
IT LOOKS LIKE A ONE-WINGED bird crouching in the corner of our living room. Hurt. Trying to fly every time the heat pump turns on with a click and a groan and blows cold air onto the sheet and lifts it up and it flutters for just a moment and then falls down again. Still. Dead.
Dad covered it with the gray sheet so I cant see it, but I know its there. And I can still draw it. I take my charcoal pencil and copy what I see. A grayish square-ish thing thats almost as tall as me. With only one wing.
Underneath the sheet is Devons Eagle Scout project. Its the chest Dad and Devon are making so hell be ready to teach other Boy Scouts how to build a chest. I feel all around the sheet just to be sure his chest is underneath. Its cold and hard and stiff on the outside and cavernous on the inside. My Dictionary says CAVernous means filled with cavities or hollow areas. Thats whats on the inside of Devons chest. Hollow areas. On the outside is the part that looks like the birds broken wing because the sheet hangs off of it loosely. Under the sheet is a piece of wood thats going to be the door once Dad and Devon finish the chest. Except now I dont know how they can. Now that Devon is gone. The bird will be trying to fly but never getting anywhere. Just floating and falling. Floating and falling.
The gray of outside is inside. Inside the living room. Inside the chest. Inside me. Its so gray that turning on a lamp is too sharp and it hurts. So the lamps are off. But its still too bright. It should be black inside and thats what I want so I put my head under the sofa cushion where the green plaid fabric smells like Dads sweat and Devons socks and my popcorn and the cushion feels soft and heavy on my head and I push deeper so my shoulders and chest can get under it too and theres a weight on me that holds me down and keeps me from floating and falling and floating and falling like the bird.
CHAPTER 2
LOOK AT THE PERSON
CAITLIN, DAD SAYS. THE WHOLE town is upset by what happened. They want to help.
How?
They want to be with you. Talk to you. Take you places.
I dont want to be with them or talk to them or go places with them.
He sighs. They want to help you deal with life, Caitlin... without Devon.
I dont know what this means but the people come to our house. I wish I could hide in Devons room but Im not allowed in there now. Not since The Day Our Life Fell Apart and Dad slammed Devons door shut and put his head against it and cried and said, No no no no no. So I cant go to my hidey-hole in Devons room anymore and I miss it.
I try to hide in my room and draw but Dad comes and gets me.
There are so many voices in our house. Voices from Devons Boy Scout troop. I recognize their green pants. And the nice things they say about Devon.
Voices of relatives. Dad introduces me to them. He says, You remember... and then he says a name.
I say, No, because I dont remember.
Dad says to Look At The Person so I look quickly at a nose or a mouth or an ear but I still dont remember.
One voice says, Im your second cousin.
Another says, Wasnt it a beautiful memorial service?
Another says, I love your drawings. Youre a very talented artist. Will you draw something for me?
One even says, Arent you lucky to have so many relatives?
I dont feel lucky but they keep coming.
Relatives we hardly saw when Devon was here so how can they help?
Neighbors like the man who yelled at Devon to get off his lawn. How can he help?
People from school. Mrs. Brook my counselor. Miss Harper the principal. All my teachers since kindergarten except my real fifth-grade teacher because she left after what happened at Devons school. I dont Get It because nothing bad happened at James Madison Elementary School so why did she have to leave? Now Mrs. Johnson is my teacher. She didnt even know Devon except she watched him play basketball, she says. Twice. Ive watched the LA Lakers play more than twice. I dont try to help them.
Caitlin. If you ever want to talk about what happened you just let me know, Mrs. Johnson says.
Thats what Mrs. Brook is for, I tell her.
Maybe we could all sit down together.
Why?
So we know where youre coming from.
I look around the living room and stare at the sheet-covered chest. I come from here.
Im sorry. I meant so we all know how youre feeling.
Oh. Mrs. Brook knows how Im feeling so you can find out from her. I would be superfluous. My Dictionary says suPERFLUOUS means exceeding what is sufficient or necessary.
I just thought it would be nice to take some time to sit and chat.
I shake my head. SuPERfluous also means marked by wastefulness.
Well... okay then, she says. I suppose I can talk with Mrs. Brook.
Mrs. Brook says you can talk with her anytime because her door is always open, I tell Mrs. Johnson. Actually its almost always closed. But if you knock then she remembers to open it.
Thank you Caitlin.
She doesnt move. This means she is waiting for me to say something. I hate that. It makes my underarms prickle and get wet. I almost start sucking my sleeve like I do at recess but then I remember. Youre welcome, I say.
She moves away.
I got it right! I go to the refrigerator and put a smiley face sticker on my chart under YOUR MANNERS. Seven more and I get to watch a video.
When I turn away from the fridge I see a puffy blue marshmallow wall in front of me. It smells of apple cinnamon Pop-Tarts and breathes noisily. Its another neighbor or relative. I dont know which. Her hands are shaking. One hand has a tissue and the other hand she holds out to me. There is a white circle in it. Would you like this candy?
I dont know. I have never had her candy before so I dont know if Ill like it. But I like just about every candy in the galaxy. I dont like being trapped by the puffy blue wall like this though.
Take it, she says, and pushes it into my hand.
So I take it just to get her hand off of mine because her hand is squishy and flabby and makes me feel sick.
Have another, she says.
I take it quickly so I wont have to feel her hand again.
She tries to pat my head with the candy hand but I duck.
I run and hide behind Dad. And eat the candy. They are mints. I wish they were gummy worms because thats my favorite but I Deal With It. The good thing is I cant talk when my mouth is full because thats rude so if I keep my mouth full I can be in my own Caitlin world.
