Richard Lucas - The Dog Log: An Accidental Memoir of Yapping Yorkies, Quarreling Neighbors, and the Unlikely Friendships That Saved My Life
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- Book:The Dog Log: An Accidental Memoir of Yapping Yorkies, Quarreling Neighbors, and the Unlikely Friendships That Saved My Life
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Copyright 2019 by Richard Lucas
All rights reserved
Published by Chicago Review Press Incorporated
814 North Franklin Street
Chicago, Illinois 60610
ISBN 978-1-64160-121-4
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Lucas, Richard, 1965 author.
Title: The dog log : an accidental memoir of yapping yorkies, quarreling
neighbors, and the unlikely friendships that saved my life / Richard
Lucas.
Description: Chicago : Chicago Review Press, [2019] | Summary:
THE DOG LOG, written as a daily notation to the sheriffs department, begins as a simple complaint about a barking dog but soon becomes a powerful self-exploration and confessional. Its the touching, hilarious and cleverly sneaky memoir of a man in Los Angeles who inadvertently rediscovers himself when his elderly neighbor falls and he must reluctantly tend to her two badly behaved Yorkshire terriers Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2019023305 (print) | LCCN 2019023306 (ebook) | ISBN
9781641601184 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781641601191 (adobe pdf) |
ISBN 9781641601214 (epub) | ISBN 9781641601207 (kindle edition)
Subjects: LCSH: Yorkshire terrierAnecdotes.
Classification: LCC SF429.Y6 L83 2019 (print) | LCC SF429.Y6 (ebook) |
DDC 636.76dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019023305
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019023306
All photos provided by the author
Cover design: Preston Pisellini
Typesetter: Nord Compo
Printed in the United States of America
5 4 3 2 1
This digital document has been produced by Nord Compo.
To my mom, Elsie, a music teacher, who made
sure that the arts were always a part of my life
The Dog Log is a comedic memoir based on the real barking dog log that I began keeping as a record of a relentless yapping Yorkie named Sophie who lived next door. I was even reading from my log at storytelling shows back then to share my plight and foist my frustrations upon innocent audiences around Los Angeles. To construct the overall experiences of that time into a shareable literary narrative, some of the characters, instances, and dialogue are composites, re-creations, and/or abstractions; some names, physical descriptions, and occupations have also been changed. Alsofor your reading pleasurethe original first eighty-five pages or so of Sophie is barking... Sophie is still barking... Sophie is barking again... Believe me, Sophie is barking... have been trimmed down to one. Arf! Arf!
I live next to a barking dog. It is destroying my life. Ive done everything possible, including speaking with the neighbor many timesto no avail. When I initially contacted your department, I was told that I would have to keep a barking dog log to document the problem before you would be able to do anything. And soas my appeal for your assistancethis will be one of those barking dog logs.
Dear Sheriff,
Sophie is barking.
Dear Sheriff,
Sophie is barking.
Dear Sheriff,
Sophie is barking.
Barking.
Barking.
Barking.
Barking. Barking. Barking. Day one? Not for me. Sophies stretched me over the rack for months with her yelps, seized up in some permanent panic like a dog version of Edvard Munchs painting The Scream with unseeable sound. And this dog lognoting every bark?has to be my scream, my hands against my cheeks, my eyes wide in the terror of the shrieks and sounds, the swirling hurricane of noise pain all around me never ending.
Dear Sheriff,
OK, I let two weeks go by. I couldnt take the impotent fury of writing this log. Just know that Sophies been making my life worse, daily, with each scalding syllable. But I realize that nothings going to change unless I do this damn thing. So the systems got me. Thisll be my evidence of it all, my word as a citizen, tantamount to sworn testimony henceforth.
Ive tried everything, in case youre wondering. Why else would I be doing this? Ive tried to talk with the ownerleft notes, phone messagesall the neighbor stuff. So please check those off your list.
To make it official, Ive left several phone messages already today:
BEEEEEP: Hello, Irene, its Richard, next door. Sophies barking. Fifteen minutes now. If its the usual, shell go until you get back. Thanks.
BEEEEEP: Hi, Irene. Richard. Eleven oclock. Sophie hasnt stopped. Thanks.
BEEEEEP: Two oclockSophies still going. Needs an exorcism. Thanks.
Irene has never acknowledged receiving any of my messages. When we cross paths, she saunters past me as if I were a tree trunk unless I speak to her first, and then she just shouts at me, which is OK for an old lady to do but not for me. Thats an inexorable function of reasonable society.
Dear Sheriff,
Drop a hammer on your toes. Now do that forty thousand times, light your hair on fire, have your mother criticize you for all your faults, and punch yourself in the ears until your knuckles bleed. That is living next to Sophie. Arf. Arf. All day. Perhaps you might get yourself a recording of a dog barking and enjoy it along with me, wont you? Noyou wont.
OKSophies making me nuts. This is ridiculous, two weeks of writing this down. Im going to call the sheriffs station again today and get this settled.
That didnt help. The deputy on the phone told me the same frustrating thing that you guys told me in September: Keep keeping a log. He said sometimes a dog might be sick, have allergies or some new stress, whatever, so you dont want to jump right into the fray. And sometimes people lie to screw with neighbors they dont like, blah, blah, blah. So I could end up needing maybe up to six months of dog log if an intervention is needed, or it goes to court, or something like that, so that I can show that the problem indeed exists and persists. He offered to send a letter, a warning of a fine, but said many ignore them, so it takes a lot of time. Yeah, half the time Irene has a weeks worth of mail jammed up in her mail slot. In the meantime, he said, It might not last all that long. Sometimes life can change. Youd be surprised.
I could tell you dont want to get in the middle of it, and that he wanted to get me off the phone.
Exist and persist. Ill never forget those words, especially since they mean Ill never see you again because you wont persist with this, and so you dont exist to me.
Would you tell the owner of a liquor store to keep a log if a guy kept running in to his place waving a gun day after day? Your cars shouldnt have A TRADITION OF SERVICE on themthey should say, SEE YOU IN SIX MONTHS. You want the person to crack and move away, dont you? Do you know what rents are like out there? I do exist. And I will persist. Justice is supposed to be swift. As Clarence Darrow said, Mercy is the highest attribute of man. Where is the mercy? I cant concentrate anymore. Im sleeping about as well as a clock, and my emotions are in a popcorn popper. Ive been gaining weight, stress-eating Cheetos. I have a bad knee, so I havent been able to run for over a year, and this isnt helping. My face is breaking out. Darkened eyes, sinking jowls. Have you ever cried at nothing, Sheriff?
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