Tucker Max - Sloppy Seconds: The Tucker Max Leftovers

SLOPPY SECONDS: THE TUCKER MAX LEFTOVERS

TUCKER MAX

BOOKS BY TUCKER MAX I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL ASSHOLES FINISH FIRST HILARITY ENSUES SLOPPY SECONDS Follow Tucker on Facebook , Twitter , or through his website, TuckerMax.com COPYRIGHT 2012 TUCKER MAX

WHY IS THIS BOOK FREE?

When I started writing down all my funny adventures and drunk hookups, I thought I had two books worth of stories. It turns out I had three full books. These books are written and published, but when I was done with them, I had about 50,000 words left over. 50k words is only half a book.

Of course, the publishers only care about their bottom line, so they tried to convince me to stretch that material into four books. Thats bullshit. I hate it when a writer puts out a tiny book just to squeeze every last cent out of me, especially if that half-book contains subpar material. I hate it when writers I like do that to me, so I refuse to do that to my fans.

Another problem was that this last 50k words was, at least in my opinion, not as good as the stuff that in my first three books. Dont get me wrong, the stories are funny and worth reading for a laugh, but I think they are pretty clearly a step down from most of the stuff in my first three books.

But the fact is, lots of my fans wanted to read this material, even if it wasnt my very best. So I decided to go ahead and put the leftovers into a book, but instead of charging for it, Im giving it away for free. It made sense for a ton of reasons, but there was one that stood out to me:

I always claim to appreciate my fans and their support, and I do. Well, if thats true, why not prove it by giving something back to them, something truly free that provides real value? No other writer gives books away for free, but so what? Maybe they should be doing that. So I put my money where my mouth is Im giving the ebook of my fourth book away, for free, as a thank you to my fans for buying my first three books and supporting me as a writer.

Two quick things before you start reading:

1. Only the ebook is free: Because of the wonderful nature of digital media, it doesnt cost me anything when someone downloads an ebook, so I can give it away for free. But I do have to charge for things that create an out of pocket expense for me, so the audio book and physical book for Sloppy Seconds are not free. You can buy the physical book from Amazon or off my website . The audio book is available all the normal places audio books are sold. But rest assured, theyre the exact same material that is in the free ebook.

2. The book is divided up into two sections, one for new readers and one for old fans: Because so many people who read this free ebook will be new to my writing, I decided to lead the book off with three of my favorite stories; one from each of my previous books (these stories are also up on my website, for free of course). If youre a new fan and you liked those stories, go buy my first three books and read them, youll love them just as much. If youre an old fan whos read all those already, you can just skip to the second section of new, free material.

Contents

THE GOOD STUFF

FROM I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL :

TUCKER TRIES BUTTSEX, HILARITY DOES NOT ENSUE

Occurred, Summer 1997

I spent the summer between my second and third years of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my do anything to get laid phase. Recently freed from a four-year long-distance relationship that began in high school, I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.

Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20-year-old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with two or three different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blahJesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I dont consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?

Anyway, while most of my stories from that summer may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception

I was seeing one girl, Jaime, about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there five months ago from Maine as a 19-year-old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were modeling. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.

The ex-girlfriend of four years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if shed had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didnt know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things Id missed out on (when I wasnt cheating on her, of course).

Buttsex, known in the biz as anal, was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet but, more importantly, very nave and very open to suggestion.

She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldnt keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:

Jaime ButIve never done it.

Tucker Ive never done it either; it can be our thing.

Jaime ButI dont know if Ill like it.

Tucker You wont have to worry about getting pregnant.

Jaime ButI like normal sex.

Tucker Everyones doing anal. Its the in thing.

Jaime ButI dont knowit seems weird.

Tucker Its the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Dont you want to do runways in Europe?

After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:

OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your fathers restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. Im tired of being your Monday night girl.

I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as aphrodisiac cuisine. Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.

Thanks to my fathers connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of Merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platterit was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasnt about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that would have made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc., etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.

Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.

[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong, and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situationsbut of course, Im still going to write about it.]

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