Chast Roz - 101 Two-Letter Words

INTRODUCTION In my day job as a rock star I sit around a lot in airports, lobbies, green rooms, and hotels, waiting for unpredictable amounts of timetime that cant be spent on anything useful. So what I generally do is pull out my phone and play Scrabble or Words With Friends. Im a fairly good player, for a musician. But I can never remember all the two-letter words, without which such word games are clunky and awkward. So some time ago I started writing little poems as mnemonic devices. After a few I thought Id better write all of them down, and how better to do that than to write a book? I never finish anything without a deadline anyway.

I bought myself some plain white three-by-five cards, lined on one side, blank on the otherwhich unfortunately come in packs of one hundredand sat around in bars and cafes writing poems for the 101 two-letter words admissible in Scrabble. I then invested in some double-sided tape and taped all the cards in a big grid up on the wall. As with songwriting, some of these poems just popped outI wrote the one for ye while crossing Fifth Avenueand some took more than a year and many revisions. I had tried writing many totally different poems for si, when I happened to see a billboard in Catskill, New York, advertising a doctor who treats frequent urination in elderly women, just when I was trying to give ma more to do. Having grown up on Edward Goreys faux Victoriana, I started out in slavish imitation. (I also grew up loving Richard Brautigan, and I kept trying to squeeze in his memorable character Trout Fishing in America Shorty; but no dice.) The Vampire Dog who haunts these pages was inspired by the late Irving Berlin Merritt, my rock star Chihuahua. (I also grew up loving Richard Brautigan, and I kept trying to squeeze in his memorable character Trout Fishing in America Shorty; but no dice.) The Vampire Dog who haunts these pages was inspired by the late Irving Berlin Merritt, my rock star Chihuahua.

Several of these poems were written with Irving happily asleep in my shirt; the grid of three-by-five cards was taped above his little heated dog bed. He was a grand old dog of fourteen, wobbly but dignified, when he died while I was correcting the final proofs. I hear, and obey! Stephin Merritt AA There are two kinds of lava: aa and pahoehoe. Aa is more jagged, and pahoehoe flowy. AB The perfect ab requires you to do something called a crunch. AD Place an ad today, and tell the world youve love to give. AD Place an ad today, and tell the world youve love to give.

Tomorrow, too! The world has all the memory of a sieve. AE Ae is one in Scots English (Twa brothers at ae scule). Ae and ae is twa, but ye ken that, for yere nae fool. AG Ag is agriculture, only faster, which is better. Ag is punk rock! Do it in an orange mohair sweater. AH When your dentist says, Say ah, say ah, and dont be mum.

Soon youll get the anesthetic. If not? Bite her thumb. AI The ai, a threatened three-toed sloth found only in Brazil, munches on leaves and sleeps in trees. I hope it always will. AL The al, or vomit fruit, is used for cancer, pain, and rash; it lowers your cholesterol, and then puts out the trash. AM I think, therefore I am, declared Descartes, while he was living.

That thought remains, while he does not... which causes some misgiving. AN An androgyne from Anchorage annoyed an anthropologist and suffered injuries that sent him to the gynecologist. AR Ar, ar, ar! the pirates say. Ar is their favorite letter. AS As I Lay Dying , William Faulkners seventh novel, made him. AS As I Lay Dying , William Faulkners seventh novel, made him.

He got some cash, a Nobel sash, and trashy ladies laid him. AT At Attitashs Alpine Slide, they fling you off a hill. At worst, youll have a heart attack; at best, you will be ill. AW Aw, that puppy sure is cute. Please, can we take him home? The victims of the Vampire Dog could fill a hefty tome. AX Was Lizzie Borden guilty? Strange, the ax was never found.

Still, Lizzie never married; people heard her name and... frowned. AY What all in favor say is ay, while those agin say nay. But those in thrall to Vampire Dog say, I hear, and obey. BA The ba is basically a bird, but with a human head; it represents your soul (if youre Egyptian, and youre dead).