Ayoade - Ayoade on top: a voyage (through a film) in a book (about a journey)

On behalf of myself and the entire Ayoade Team, welcome to Ayoade on Top. If you were one of the dozens of people who bought (and perhaps opened) our previous offering, The Grip of Film, thanks for your returning custom. Grip, penned by the pamphleteer, taco apologist and womens rights denier Gordy LaSure, was a tough road to swallow.

Whereas that book/road essayed to be a survey of films in general (if by general you mean homoerotic action films from the mid-to-late eighties), this book is about one film in particular: a 2003 cabin crew dramedy starring Gwyneth Paltrow called View from the Top. And this very particular film, like all exemplars of the cinematic arts, concerns a journey.

But this book is not just a book about a movie about a journey, its also a book about my/our journey with that movie about a journey, a journey soundtracked by the sweet soft-rock sounds of Journey. The in-flight entertainment? I guess that depends on your capacity to withstand pernickety prose in a quasi-literary sub-genre thats hard to define, let alone shelve.

Its a journey that will take us from Peckham to Paris by way of Nevada and other places we dont care about. Its a journey deep within, in a way thats respectful and non-invasive; a journey for which we will all pay a heavy price, even if youve waited for the smaller paperback edition.

We regret to inform you that no hot meal will be provided: the publishers wont commit to the catering costs.

After three brutal years at flight academy, the captain is both within his rights and overqualified to turn on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. If you havent already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage, whether emotional or actual, underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. And please do stow it. Dont just bung it in, or stuff it in, or ram it in. Stow it, like youd stow something in your own home, or in an Edwardian novel.

Please also make sure your seat is back and that the folding trays are in their full upright position. Because its not the crash thatll kill you, its the trays.

We remind you that this is a non-smoking book. If this book starts to smoke, it means you are on fire. Ask a non-vengeful colleague to assist.

We encourage you to read this book in the lavatory, its natural habitat. But tampering with the book or lavatory in any way is an offence to the author. When finished, please stow the book back safely in its display case.

The doors to this book have now been secured, and we will shortly taxi to our runway, if we take runway to mean further introductory passages, taxi to mean inelegantly trundle like a chest freezer on a roller skate, and doors to have no real relevance within this piece of high-wire idiomatic world building.

Thank you for choosing Ayoade on Top. We are aware you have many other entertainment chosen to buy (or at least not immediately re-gift) this book, and that makes us particularly #humble. You are almost too aware that there are many other, better books on the market, yet despite the fact that you may well go to your grave without reading In Search of Lost Time by Proust, Don Quixote by Cervantes or My Booky Wook by Russell Brand, some combination of kindness, misplaced optimism and laziness has led you to this one. We thank you and hope your mounting regret doesnt metabolise into a more lasting resentment.

Stadium mainstays to this day.

But not long: this aint Anna Karenina, aka Madame Bovary XL. #InYourFaceTolstoy.

The Nazis at Waterstones wont put hotplates next to the tills.

When did taxi become a verb?

The word entertainment sits somewhat uncomfortably within the Ayoadean multiverse

There are moments in your life when things change for ever. It could be the discovery of an unexpectedly pleasant dipping sauce, a night-time visit from your financial team or a ticketed white-collar grudge match.

For me, it was a movie.

Ill never forget the day in June, or maybe it was March, in either 2013 or 2014, when I opened up my laptop, attached the external DVD player with a (male to male) USB cable to the puter port, swabbed the screen with a lemon-fresh (and moist!) towelette, removed a shop-bought DVD from its slightly chipped Amaray case, checked for marks and scuffs that may have resulted from in-transit disc slippage, attended to said marks and scuffs with a sober squirt of CleanSafe fluid of my (somewhat careworn!) rotating microfibre cleaning cloth, placed the DVD in the external (top-loading) disc drive, waited for the DVD icon to appear on the desktop, pulled up an open-source, cross-platform media player like VLC or RealPlayer, dragged the icon across and, with the carelessness of young middle age, double-tapped the trackpad.

Lets pull out wide.

Im lying on my bed, laptop perched regally on a pillow that in turn was resting on my meaty quads, not only for extra height, but also to stop the heat of the computer from causing my thick thighs/private delta to mist and/or puddle.

Venetian blinds hoisted high, window open, sound on MAX, faint smell of synthetic lemon in my nostrils, the room is provocatively bright. unreal. My eye-drops commingle the hitherto divergent feelings of burning and wetness.

Im trying to breathe like I learnt from that vlog. At least I think I am. Should breathing sound like the bongos? Can you breathe to excess? I should rewatch.

So it turns out Ive been breathing the wrong way for three years. Can I ever get that lost oxygen back? Is that why Im always tired? Why I find it hard to focus? I find myself on YouTube, watching a compilation of Extreme Slap Bass. I close the curtains a smidge.

I wake up in the same room, only now its dark. This Slap Bass Comp has been thumping for 7h 06min. Had a dream I was in Level 42. My thumb was as big as a mountain.

Its 3 a.m.

Ill tank up on toast and see if I can push through till dawn.

Why am I here?

Shhh! The films about to start.

But before we roll titles, lets grab us a slice of background.

Cant say enough good things about this product. Specially formulated to work effectively on DVDs/CDs, I wont use anything else on my collection. And believe me, Ive tried everything, from milk to the hot breath of a cat. The coating of any DVD/CD is delicate, so you dont want to use anything overly abrasive. (I once saw a former friend try to remove some (of his?) semen from a CD with kitchen towel: I dont think Ive ever slapped a paper product out of someones hand so fast!) Using low-conductivity fluid (and, BTW, CleanSafes conductivity is approx. 17 per cent that of water) ensures that the risk of static, magnetic or electrical damage is substantially reduced, allowing you to get the sleep you need. CleanSafe claims to leave a smooth, non-sticky, acoustical and optical pure nano layer so as to protect the disc, as well as offering excellent anti-static protection to slow the build-up of static dust. If youre looking for a contrary opinion, call your boys at Radio 4, cos this brother aint got no beef. Its an outstanding product that, at last, puts safety front and centre in the cleaning process. All housed, might I say, in a very attractive, slimline, lightweight bottle thats small enough to keep in your pocket, tucked into your belt or, if the situation demands it, your anus. My only fear is that Ill run out! (As if! I have fifty bottles in my panic room!!!)