Barry - Dave Barrys Greatest Hits

Welcome to the world of Dave Barry, where

• Oral Roberts tells his followers that unless they send him $4.5 million by the end of the month, God will turn him into a hypocritical money-grubbing slime bag.

• The most elegant and sophisticated dishes are those that involve greasy little unsanitary birds with no meat and about 60 billion bones, such as grouse.

• In a contest sponsored by a pesticides company, a Broward County insect is declared the largest cockroach in the country, narrowly edging out Phyllis Schlafly.

• People are flying across the country for less than you paid for your six-week-old corn muffin at the airport snack bar.

• George Bush reveals that he tried to smoke marijuana, but nobody would give him any.

• If a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life, deep in her soul, she would probably elect to save the infants life, without even considering whether there were men on base.

By Dave Barry:

DAVE BARRYS GUIDE TO MARRIAGE AND/OR SEX

CLAW YOUR WAY TO THE TOP

STAY FIT & HEALTHY UNTIL YOURE DEAD

BABIES AND OTHER HAZARDS OF SEX

THE TAMING OF THE SCREW

BAD HABITS: A 100% FACT-FREE BOOK

DAVE BARRY SLEPT HERE

DAVE BARRY TURNS 40

DAVE BARRY TALKS BACK

DAVE BARRYS ONLY TRAVEL GUIDE YOULL EVER NEED

DAVE BARRY DOES JAPAN

DAVE BARRY IS NOT MAKING THIS UP

DAVE BARRYS HOMES AND OTHER BLACK HOLES

DAVE BARRYS GREATEST HITS

DAVE BARRYS COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS

DAVE BARRY IN CYBERSPACE

DAVE BARRY IS FROM MARS AND VENUS

DAVE BARRYS BOOK OF BAD SONGS

DAVE BARRY TURNS 50

BIG TROUBLE

DAVE BARRY IS NOT TAKING THIS SITTING DOWN

DAVE BARRY HITS BELOW THE BELTWAY

TRICKY BUSINESS

Published by Ballantine Books

To Beth & Gene

AS A PROFESSIONAL HUMORIST, I OFTEN GET LETTERS from readers who are interested in the basic nature of humor. What kind of a sick, perverted, disgusting person are you, these letters typically ask, that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?

And that, of course, is the wonderful thing about humor. What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. But most people agree on what is funny, and most people like to be around a person with a great sense of humor, provided he also has reasonable hygiene habits. This is why people so often ask me: Dave, Id like to be popular, too. How can I get a sense of humor like yours, only with less of a dependence on jokes that are primarily excuses to use the word booger?

This is not an easy question. Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what exactly makes people laugh. Thats why they were called wise men. All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: How about: Heres my wife, please take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about

Mankind didnt develop a logical system of humor until thousands of years later when Aristotle discovered, while shaving, the famous Humor Syllogism, which states, If A is equal to B, and B is equal to C, then it would not be particularly amusing if the three of them went around poking each other in the eyes and going Nyuk nyuk nyuk. At least I dont think it would be.

By the Elizabethan era, humor had become extremely popular. The works of Shakespeare, for example, are filled with scenes that English teachers always claim are real thigh-slappers, although when you actually decode them, it turns out they mostly depend on the use of the Elizabethan word for booger. In America today, of course, our humor is much more sophisticated, ranging all the way from television shows featuring outtakes of situation comedies where the actors cant get the words right to television shows featuring outtakes of commercials where the actors cant get the words right. Also we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so sophisticated that nobody gets it anymore except Mia Farrow. All those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.

If you want to develop a sense of humor of your own, you need to learn some jokes. Notice I do not say puns. Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

So what you want is real jokes. The best source for these is the authoritative Encyclopedia Britannica article entitled Humor and Wit, which is in volume 99 (HumidityIvory Coast). This is where Carson gets all his material. Its a regular treasure trove of fun. Heres a real corker from right at the beginning:

A masochist is a person who likes a cold shower in the morning, so he takes a hot one.

Whoooeee! That is one authoritative joke! Tell that one at a dull party, and just watch as the other guests suddenly come to life and remember important dental appointments!

But it is not enough merely to know a lot of great jokes. You also have to be able to tell them properly. Here are some tips:

1. When you tell vicious racist jokes, you should first announce that you were a liberal back when it was legal to be one.

2. Men have a certain body part that women do not have, and men always think jokes about it are a stone riot, but if you tell such a joke to a woman, she will look at you as though you are a Baggie filled with mouse remains. I dont know why this is, but it never fails. So you want to avoid this particular type of joke in coeducational social settings such as Windsor Castle.

3. If, after you tell a joke, somebody attempts to tell you one back, you should keep assuring him that you havent heard it, and then, when he gets to the punchline, no matter how funny it is, you should react as though he just told you the relative humidity and say: Yeah, I heard that.

4. Never attend a large dinner party with my former mother-in-law, because she will shout across the table at you: Tell the one about the man whos seeking the truth and he finally gets all the way to Tibet and the wise man tells him that a wet bird doesnt fly at night, and then shell insist that you tell it, and then shell tell you you told it wrong, and you might have to kill her with a fork.

READERS ARE SOMETIMES CRITICAL OF ME because just about everything I write about is an irresponsible lie. But now Im going to write a column in which everything is true. See how you like it.

Our first true item comes from a news release from the J I Case company. For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that a